Deer

A herd of five deer

just passed my
suburban picture window

On this cloudy-bright

snow crested

mid-morning

As TuB'Shevat comes

As Imbolc comes

i am soundly reminded

that

the hunger

for the green buds of

Spring

builds

In each of us

In all of us

Expose`

i have this thing that i have been dealing with since i was a very little girl.

my mother had me after being married 14 months (i was kind of a surprise). After returning to the States she had 7 miscarriages before giving birth to my sister 5 years after me, and then another sister 15 months after that. i remember the days of both my sister's births. She jokes: We would have been a sports team had she had all those children!

It seemed to my young mind that she was always mourning or being delighted or being worried over having more children. What this had to do with me i never understood until about 15 years ago. How much a part of me this realization has to do with me now is both painful and interesting.

i've never felt "enough". Ever. It was never enough for my mom just to have me (NOW i understand, but it doesn't change what my child-self feels), that i'm never enough of any given thing for my employer, my students or their parents, my children, my partner(s), my parents (definitely), my sisters... just not ever, for anyone. i'm not pretty, talented, resourceful, persistent, frugal, understanding... you name it... ENOUGH. And i am certainly never thin enough!

Just me alone? i never did enough, never gave enough, never WAS enough. Still am not.

i get the same reaction when my children speak their hearts with another adult. Why not me? Am i not enough for them in some way? my answer must surely be, yes.

Even today, when i know that my loves have other loves, my first and nearly only reaction is that it is because i am not enough for them; that i have failed at fulfilling their needs of me. i look at what i can do "more" to fill the void. i strive and struggle to be everything i can to them.

In the end, if i cannot fill their void, if i perceive that i cannot ever be enough for them, or the pain of their continued need for more is too much for me to bear, i shut down and give less. i find a way to lessen my pain and the grief that comes with not measuring up.

Where i go with this i'm not sure yet. But better for it to be here for me to think about than lurking in my mind's dark recesses. It's a slice of me that i struggle with daily.

Upswing

Well, so much for good intentions, eh?

i didn't go to chant, barely made it through teaching in fact. Had a fever all through class. And yeah, i did end up doing much of the music teaching for a room full of kids again. This time i had #1 there to do the singing parts for/with me, which helped tremendously. i just don't fall down without a fight!!

About an hour after class was over i started to feel the drugs kick in! By then all i could manage was dinner out and coming home to fall down again.

While i regret having missed my friends and their lovely voices, self care was more important. And who am i kidding... i can't really sing right now!

Good thing is that the upswing has started, meds are working, and though the coughing is worse it's just a phase of getting through this on the way to being healthy again. Ah, perspective ;)

It's Official

i'm sick. Throat and sinuses... infected.

i tried everything not to be sick! Really!
Look at this list of what i was (still am) fighting with daily!

steamy showers
hot green tea with mint
Vit C
Fruta Vida
Potassium
Vit E
Multi Vit
Vit B complex
Advil
Sudafed, then Claritin
Plus some amazing hugs! (S, #1, #2, M and virtual ones from s)

Amoxicillin and a corticosteroid nasal spray just started. i should be uncontagious tomorrow at this time. It'll take me another day or two to feel more like myself. Until then i have to teach this afternoon, then off to my chant group, this time with #1! :) i'll happily croak along with her by my side.

Knit a River

Pleased as can be to tell you that i will be dusting off my knitting needles and participating in the Knit a River clean water petition project along with many members of my religious community.

If you know me and want to mail me a square (or more) before the evening of 1/31/07... please do! i'll include it (them) in the package we'll be sending that night. Everyone deserves access to clean, safe water for drinking, bathing and disposing of wastes in a sanitary fashion. This project draws attention to the cause very effectively. Join us in supporting this effort. Clean water and toilets for all!

***Plus*** it's a marvelously appropriate way for us Jews, Pagans and JudeoPagans to celebrate TuBShevat/Imbolc and Miriam/Brighid's sacred healing well. :-D

For more information on the project, or for knitting specs, go to: http://www.iknit.org.uk/knitariver.html

Weekend Update

i do realize that it's Wednesday.

The weekend was good and fun and the visuals were... well... interesting. Ate meals with S and other dear folk i knew, and a couple of new ones. Attended a panel about "Paranormal Romance Novels" which was cool, and another on "What Not to Wear to a SciFi Con". Considering what i was planning on wearing to the dance that evening i thought it was a good idea (prudent, if nothing else). *see pic above* Sounds harmless enough, yes?

Ha! Never thought an actual... um... heated debate/arguement/conflict would happen... but it did. Heh, i was amused. One woman stated that she would take it upon herself to tell the "offendingly attired" person just what she thought of the get-up, and then proceeded to give us an example. wow. Where DO people get the idea that they are imbued with this weighty responsibility? i can't imagine.

In any case, S gave her an ear-full (probably a deaf one, but nonetheless) of a LOT of sense... how the convention as an entity is the responsible party, the venue's role, etc... i added in the physical legalities which, thanks to my exposure to the D/s world, i am familiar with (dangly and private bits and girl nips must be covered, feet too if there's a food license in proximity). It's a fairly liberal state where this is concerned! Ah well, it was the high point of the morning. LoL

Drumming was small but fun, the dance was enjoyable... not the music, just the people watching - and of course wearing what i was wearing!!

All in all a good time.... save one tiny thing...

i started getting a cold/sinus thing on Saturday evening. :( Begged off early and went to sleep. Got up Sunday and taught my classes, then to a Ritual planning meeting from 1-5 - came home to go to dinner with T, 1 & 2 and FINALLY to fall down.

Taking the best care of myself that i can. Taught last night, including a music session for 50 kids and then my private student. Had to laugh - i stood in front of the sea of kids and said "i'm sick and i'm in a bad mood - so behave!" Then of course i smiled sweetly and proceeded to sing and, well... cheerlead, energy raise... whatever it took.

Don't know if i'm on the up or the down swing yet.

As always... Time will tell.

Uber-Geekdom

12:10am, so it's today that i will be going to my very first Science Fiction convention.

No - i know almost nothing of this genre!
i'll be like a fish out of water in uber-geekdom! LoL

i know only a handfull of people going. There will be drumming one night led by S and another person i kind of know, and a room party hosted by representatives of the pan-religious conference i attend every year (there's a cross-over population), but that's about it. New experience.

Best part is, i'm really up for this and i feel really good about it. SciFi may not be my "thing"... but being around people and having new experiences IS!

Winter poem

Winter Yearnings

Winter's breath upon the birch,
Falling rain darkens white bark.
Wet kisses dampen last leaves,
Greetings from a meadowlark.

Fat squirrel nibbles his fare,
lonely plea of mother dove.
wistful trees wait in the mist,
a slumbering, barren grove.

Image of an illusion,
An impression oh so false!
For life stirs, deep and certain
beneath the blanket of frost.

~ Celtic Whisper

*And a special mention to M who, upon seeing it start to snow, did the "happy dance" with a huge grin on his face.

MORE ice... and some snow

Remember a day or two ago i wrote that i was waiting for this?!

For a time today it was absolutely GLEAMING outside. B)

Gotta love it when the Universe answers ya' this fast!! LoL

Photo Essay in ICE

Is it Spring yet?

In these later days of a wet, el nino Winter, i find myself yearning for Imbolc and the first signs of Spring. i've missed the white, white snow and the blinding sun as it reflects and warms my heart in this dark time of the year. i realise now how much i appreciate the hope that light signifies.

*

A Yule/dark of the year chant:

"Light is returning, even though this is the darkest hour.

No one can hold back the dawn.

Let's keep it turning.

Let's keep the light of hope alive.

Make safe our journey, through the storm."

*

Maybe this quote helps capture why i am so restless?

“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.” Robert H. Schuller

Anais Nin

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically.
We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly.
We grow partially. We are relative.
We are mature in one realm, childish in another.
The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present.
We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

A Day!

#1 did a smashing job on her final this morning!
1, 2 & i went to breakfast (and to see our favorite waitress).
Drove over to a local community college and (after four different office stops) registered #2 for class - yep - college class. (mom feels old)
Took #2 to pick up a job application at a assisted living facility... and he was given the job - On the spot! He reports for drug test and work on Tuesday! (Now to fit that into the household schedule - oy!)

Still have laundry to do, dinner to make and then out for some social time for me!

Don't know about "me", but... this MOM is pleased and EXHAUSTED!

Happy Mom Dance

Had to share with the world...

It's #1's Senior year in High School and among others of course (psychology, advanced ceramics, film studies, spanish & choir) she's taking a Shakespeare class for which she has to travel to the "other" High School daily. It's finals week.

Let me mention, her Shakespeare teacher is a very creative guy! Three weeks ago they started instruction in sword-fighting because it was a "Shakespearean art". They've routinely done a lot of acting, complete with student directing and scene blocking. i LIKE this guy! For her Shakespeare final she has had to memorize a 1-2 minute long monologue to be presented/acted tomorrow.

Lest you wonder, my sweet #1 is a replica of her mother in style and attitude! The monologue of choice? Kate's from Taming of the Shrew. It's utterly NOT "us". Perfect! She has it entirely memorized and is perfecting her inflections and motions.

The happy dance was done just now when she asked me to go to class with her to meet this wonderful teacher and her classmates and to hear her perform her final presentation! In her words: "It'll be cool. I like showing you off!" Yeah - she knows how to get to her mom. i'm all a-grin. :)

So tomorrow i'll probably embarrass her by sniffing in pride as she says these words with all the venom and prowess i know she possesses:

Fie, fie, unknit that threat'ning unkind brow
And dart not scornful glances from those eyes
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor.
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,
Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,
And in no sense is meet or amiable.
A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty,
And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty
Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee
And for thy maintenance; commits his body
To painful labor both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou li'st warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks, and true obedience--
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince,
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace,
Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway,
Whey they are bound to serve, love, and obey.
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?
Come, come, you froward and unable worms,
My mind hath been as big as one of yours,
My heart as great, my reason haply more,
To bandy word for word and frown for frown.
But now I see our lances are but straws,
Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,
That seeming to be most which we indeed least are.
Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,
And place your hands below your husband's foot,
In token of which duty, if he please,
My hand is ready, may it do him ease.

Interview

A gut-wrenching NPR interview...

Moreso when you know that these are very dear friends of mine; members of my circle. Click the link on the left of the page to listen.
http://www.thestory.org/

For Stef's blog, visit:
http://verbal-pacifism.blogspot.com/

My heart hurts for this sweet family.

100 things about me

1. PICK OUT A SCAR, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT.
A smile-shaped scar, right hand. Age 14. Stapling boards to the ceiling in my childhood home, basement, bathroom. Dropped staple gun and tried to catch it. Sliced by mirror frame. Wouldn't let my mom take me to the hospital - though the flap of skin was gross! :) She butterfly taped it. Healed well.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Three floral batiks, a small deco print that was my father's, jewelry rack.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Slim black flip phone
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Almost anything
5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
Sniper Kitten, but changing that soon.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Motivation
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Being carefree.
8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN? 3:13am
10. WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
Deceit and Abuse
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Yep
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
M was the catalyst, i made myself cry.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME?
Givenchy's, Organza Indecence
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Dark hair. Color of eyes don't matter as much as the intent they hold.
15. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS?
Many things in life can be painkillers. i prefer pain... or Advil.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS? Coffee!
17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPINGS? Everything - load it up
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? A HUGE baked sweet potato with loads of brown sugar, salt and butter.
19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
my son
20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Not fluently any more.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
A rubber squeaky frog. i still have it.
22. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE? Yes
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? In my fingers, yes.
25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR? 1967 Mustang, black, chromed out, white rag top, white leather interior. SWEET!
27. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
21 years and i don't know yet.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THE PERSON IS LEAVING? We're all leaving one way or another, but i tend to protect myself. Maybe, maybe not.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Show them
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 3
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Brunettes
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
my Girl!
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Willful ignorance
34. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.? Yes.
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Love, Cheesecake or Zeman's 7-layer cake
36. FAVORITE COLOR? Burgundy
37. FIRST JOB? Language tutor - age 15
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Yep, as a teen.
39.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? Responding to an e-mail
41. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE?
More than 3, less than 10
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my insight and creative teaching
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Break the law now and then.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Winning lottery ticket
46.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, my grandfather
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Yes
48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE? Any one on which i can put a ring. ;)
49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Last Tuesday night
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLE? Broccoli
52. ANY BAD HABITS? Biting my nails and cuticles
53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Jingle Cats - Love it!!!
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes
55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? No
56. DO LOOKS MATTER? some
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER? i write or cry
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? my car
59. DO YOU EASILY TRUST OTHERS? NO
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Tupperware, wooden spoons, pots and pans!!!
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Over 100
62. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Ya think?!
63. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD?
For men to say: Toast For women to say: Peach
64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? No
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Personality
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? wench, and my favourite: mom
67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED? Kidney Colic
69. LAST THING YOU SPILLED? Coffee
71. WHAT'S THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
my gf's cat
73. WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS?
Too many to mention!!!
74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
HAD 4 - none now!
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Not asking them to. They can if they want.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Refigerator and furnace running
77. LAST THING YOU ATE? Peanuts
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Wrong number
79. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Grooming, and use of language
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
I CHOOSE - India Arie or HUNTER - Dido
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Avocados or Bleu Cheese... eeeew!
82. FAVORITE DRINK? Coffee
83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? Don't have a favorite
84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Target shooting. Marathon Hugging!
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Brown/Black - streaks of grey
86. EYE COLOR? Brown/Green Hazel
88. SIBLINGS? Two sisters
89. FAVORITE MONTH? Nope
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Found someone willing to teach me to like it. Experience will tell.
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Rain fall on the dark street.
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Midwinter
93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? No.
94. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
95. KISSES OR HUGS? Both
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships
97.WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
i'm not posing them to anyone.
98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
See 97
99.WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Disability
100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU? I sure hope so!

black & white vomit

Hate that i miss you. why?
i wasn't prepared to miss you.

You yanked my heart, hard.
Then you closed the door.

And now you open it.
What did you see?

Young trust, barely new born, huddled in the corner
Afraid of loving the sweet safety of the
distant
powerless
dark.

That and more...
i smash fists against the walls,
Kick at the door,
Scream at injustice.

i will not comply quietly.
i'll not resign myself to strife.

Got to find the light switch
myself.

New Years Post

i am reserving this space for a post about New Years eve and New Years day.

When my thoughts have settled down into something coherent i'll put them here.

Until then...
Watch This Space.