i am more centered, grounded and happy than i have been in many months. i'm calmer, much more aware and appreciative of the abundance in my life. i have proven beyond a doubt to myself that i can "go there" in my submission. i CAN subvert my will to another. Perhaps even to my own detriment!
i am also very wary of people's intentions, afraid to risk, skittish to be touched, plagued by endorphin cravings, and trust no one with anything that cannot be verified.
By focusing on the aspects that support the positive, and acknowledging the negative, i am slowly gaining better control over the entire picture.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Yep!
Things in my home life are in a state of flux as usual, just a fact of having teenagers, but i am able to say that i am really... (wait for it!) ... HAPPY!
i AM safe and loved and oh so strong. i am no longer shattered, once more desireable and know that i have so much to give.
No more analysis paralysis!
It's time to move on: consciously and responsibly to be sure, but ON.
i AM safe and loved and oh so strong. i am no longer shattered, once more desireable and know that i have so much to give.
No more analysis paralysis!
It's time to move on: consciously and responsibly to be sure, but ON.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
i'm a Queen
The chant group that i work with, Women With Wings: West, has proven to be an amazing source of smiles, laughs, tears and startling self-awareness.
Each time i go something different touches me, something with which i resonate so deeply that there's "something there" i can hold and learn from. Last time it was chants of healing and change that touched a deep well of pain and drew me towards the light of willingness to move forward. i used those chants for weeks, and will likely use them for a long time to come.
Last night we were a smaller group than is typical but i had just as amazing an expereince. We had a long period of "silly songs!" Ok, i adore silly songs! To me, no camp, bonfire or road trips were complete without them. Know too that i was a preschool Director. Ergo, my repertoire is fairly extensive!! i walked away having created laughs, amazement, giggles and a new-found reputation as the silly song QUEEN! LOL
Yes, there was also a more serious side to the evening and i did find a marvelous new chant to work with this month. It's one of those, similar to the Carlebach one i posted, that is very centering. This one's about being present, breathing and loving in the moment, in the "now". Sigh, the reminder as a good one.
Wishing you Light, The Queen of Silly Songs
Each time i go something different touches me, something with which i resonate so deeply that there's "something there" i can hold and learn from. Last time it was chants of healing and change that touched a deep well of pain and drew me towards the light of willingness to move forward. i used those chants for weeks, and will likely use them for a long time to come.
Last night we were a smaller group than is typical but i had just as amazing an expereince. We had a long period of "silly songs!" Ok, i adore silly songs! To me, no camp, bonfire or road trips were complete without them. Know too that i was a preschool Director. Ergo, my repertoire is fairly extensive!! i walked away having created laughs, amazement, giggles and a new-found reputation as the silly song QUEEN! LOL
Yes, there was also a more serious side to the evening and i did find a marvelous new chant to work with this month. It's one of those, similar to the Carlebach one i posted, that is very centering. This one's about being present, breathing and loving in the moment, in the "now". Sigh, the reminder as a good one.
Wishing you Light, The Queen of Silly Songs
Monday, July 24, 2006
Exhausting!
Long talks with teenagers, what a joy to behold - or should i say negotiate. Honestly, i think lawyers and philosophers are better suited for the task, not me!
Today's sit down and TALK with #1 - and i do mean that in caps, it was LONG - was two-fold and had to do with (of all things): the ability to earn or regain trust and: perceptions.
In the course of the discussion we covered a lot of ground. She and i really needed to do this and i am grateful to her for having instigated it. She told me how she felt about many things that frustrate her. i learned so much. i told her about my recent experience with shattered trust and we shared a tearful moment. Contrary to what i thought, i think she really had no idea just how strongly i felt about protecting her and her brother. She certainly has a lot to think about tonight.
#1 and i have always shared a genuine admiration for each other. Of course, through the teen years that admiration is coupled with some enormous frustration at some of the impasses that growing up and letting go creates. We discussed it tonight too. The two of us even resolved to work to bridge the transparency gap between us in order to build an increased sense of faith in each other and keep the talks happening.
Hours of hugs, talk, frustration, talk, tears, laughs, talk and moving from misunderstanding to understanding has taken its toll. i am beyond exhausted tonight.
i'm really hoping that i can get back to my own life tomorrow!
Today's sit down and TALK with #1 - and i do mean that in caps, it was LONG - was two-fold and had to do with (of all things): the ability to earn or regain trust and: perceptions.
In the course of the discussion we covered a lot of ground. She and i really needed to do this and i am grateful to her for having instigated it. She told me how she felt about many things that frustrate her. i learned so much. i told her about my recent experience with shattered trust and we shared a tearful moment. Contrary to what i thought, i think she really had no idea just how strongly i felt about protecting her and her brother. She certainly has a lot to think about tonight.
#1 and i have always shared a genuine admiration for each other. Of course, through the teen years that admiration is coupled with some enormous frustration at some of the impasses that growing up and letting go creates. We discussed it tonight too. The two of us even resolved to work to bridge the transparency gap between us in order to build an increased sense of faith in each other and keep the talks happening.
Hours of hugs, talk, frustration, talk, tears, laughs, talk and moving from misunderstanding to understanding has taken its toll. i am beyond exhausted tonight.
i'm really hoping that i can get back to my own life tomorrow!
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Insight?
i know that i am responsible for what i draw to myself, find deep within myself, but i choose to think that there is some Divine nature to the positive energies i am raising lately. Perhaps it's just my own personal nature to be a little disparaging of my own abilities that makes me find an external Divine in this happiness? Not me... too easy.
To use this "I-Thou" reasoning is human nature (a flaw to which i must conceed); to see sacred energy as being separate from human ability, something with which you need to dialogue. Oddly enough, i don't entirely agree with Martin Buber on this one. i believe that i harbor within me, the ability to reflect and resonate with the Divine as part of me. i don't dialogue with it. It's a part of me.
i have an internal I-Thou, as well as an external "I-It" that allows me to grow through experience and observation. Even then, my most profound I-It experiences have been from Nature. Which is essentially External Divinity.
Feel like i'm more like an integrated: "I AM"
To use this "I-Thou" reasoning is human nature (a flaw to which i must conceed); to see sacred energy as being separate from human ability, something with which you need to dialogue. Oddly enough, i don't entirely agree with Martin Buber on this one. i believe that i harbor within me, the ability to reflect and resonate with the Divine as part of me. i don't dialogue with it. It's a part of me.
i have an internal I-Thou, as well as an external "I-It" that allows me to grow through experience and observation. Even then, my most profound I-It experiences have been from Nature. Which is essentially External Divinity.
Feel like i'm more like an integrated: "I AM"
Saturday, July 22, 2006
*GRIN!*
Been a while since you've seen that big a smile on me, eh? i went out with a girlfriend to a local function and had fun this evening. Yay me! Nice people, some really good conversations, an abundance of diet cokes with lime, laughs, and relaxing. i feel really good right now. :-D
Thursday, July 20, 2006
That's your horoscope for today
ala Weird Al, here it is:
You are often quite comfortable dealing with the deeper mysteries of life, but events of the day could push buttons that test your willingness to dig beneath the surface. Staying aware of your own feelings is an important part of the process, but situations may prevent you from sharing your emotions. Talking about issues may not lead to resolution today, but don't let the silence justify your resistance to continuing your inner work.
So as far as my "Jason" post goes... i rest my case. Bring it on!
You are often quite comfortable dealing with the deeper mysteries of life, but events of the day could push buttons that test your willingness to dig beneath the surface. Staying aware of your own feelings is an important part of the process, but situations may prevent you from sharing your emotions. Talking about issues may not lead to resolution today, but don't let the silence justify your resistance to continuing your inner work.
So as far as my "Jason" post goes... i rest my case. Bring it on!
Tenuous
i have worked for the past 12 years in the second largest jewish congregation in the entire US. We serve the largest student body in the country (nearly 2,000). i also live in the most dense Chaldean and Muslim concentrated communities in the US. Feelings here are... tenuous.
This, from www.vitalperspective.com (the best resource for real, current and believable news from Israel), frightens me:
"If the situation escalates, will Hezbollah take the gloves off, so to speak, and attack here in the United States, which they've been reluctant to do until now?" said William Kowalski, assistant special agent in charge of the FBI in Detroit, which is home to one of the largest Muslim communities in the country.
They brought the Teen Trip to Israel back two weeks early. The flight arrived safely in NY today. Some of my former students were on this trip and i know their parents. i found myself being grateful my son decided he did not want to apply to go. Selfish, but true. After all we've been through saving his precious life, i can't even put myself in the minds of those parents who were tormented with worry all this week. my heart was aching for them. i know the worry over a child first-hand.
We had to wait for our new Director to arrive home from vacation in K'riat Shmona so that he could sign the teacher's contracts for the coming year. K'riat Shmona was one of the first places hezbolla bombed. i haven't heard if he's made it back safely.
i pray... Source of all Love and Goodness, Deep Well of Hope, help us.
This, from www.vitalperspective.com (the best resource for real, current and believable news from Israel), frightens me:
"If the situation escalates, will Hezbollah take the gloves off, so to speak, and attack here in the United States, which they've been reluctant to do until now?" said William Kowalski, assistant special agent in charge of the FBI in Detroit, which is home to one of the largest Muslim communities in the country.
They brought the Teen Trip to Israel back two weeks early. The flight arrived safely in NY today. Some of my former students were on this trip and i know their parents. i found myself being grateful my son decided he did not want to apply to go. Selfish, but true. After all we've been through saving his precious life, i can't even put myself in the minds of those parents who were tormented with worry all this week. my heart was aching for them. i know the worry over a child first-hand.
We had to wait for our new Director to arrive home from vacation in K'riat Shmona so that he could sign the teacher's contracts for the coming year. K'riat Shmona was one of the first places hezbolla bombed. i haven't heard if he's made it back safely.
i pray... Source of all Love and Goodness, Deep Well of Hope, help us.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Jason Grrr!
Finally getting to do some pleasure reading - real FLUFF! LoL Been catching up on Laurell K. Hamilton books, courtesy of my librarian.
Damn if a few of her characters don't push my own personal emotive buttons! Take Jason, for instance... of all her characters that are there as eye candy and plot ornament in all of her previous AB:VH books, and suddenly BAM! He pops out with this monologue of insight about the main character that nails an aspect of me to the wall so hard i had to put the book down and think... hard! Do *i* have these mechanations that strongly? Pause for thought.
Ah well, it's not Goethe, but at least i am learning something - about myself, as well as enjoying the heck out of it. Introspection was the last thing i expected from this particular author, but it is not unwelcomed. i'm in a good place. The right place to do that kind of thinking. i even appreciate it.
Damn if a few of her characters don't push my own personal emotive buttons! Take Jason, for instance... of all her characters that are there as eye candy and plot ornament in all of her previous AB:VH books, and suddenly BAM! He pops out with this monologue of insight about the main character that nails an aspect of me to the wall so hard i had to put the book down and think... hard! Do *i* have these mechanations that strongly? Pause for thought.
Ah well, it's not Goethe, but at least i am learning something - about myself, as well as enjoying the heck out of it. Introspection was the last thing i expected from this particular author, but it is not unwelcomed. i'm in a good place. The right place to do that kind of thinking. i even appreciate it.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Theater Rats
#1 just left for her first-ever professional level Theater workshop at the Michigan Opera Theater. She's excited and nervous. (i think much more excited)
Today's workshop is about set design - with the premier set designer for the MOT. Next Saturday brings another session - this one 1 & 2 will attend. It's a theater tech intensive and takes place on the MOT stage with the actual tech crew.
This year's HS musical is Joseph. Both kids plan on teching the show. i love those things which really tickle them to be a part of.
Today's workshop is about set design - with the premier set designer for the MOT. Next Saturday brings another session - this one 1 & 2 will attend. It's a theater tech intensive and takes place on the MOT stage with the actual tech crew.
This year's HS musical is Joseph. Both kids plan on teching the show. i love those things which really tickle them to be a part of.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Mistrust
Having learned that i cannot trust as i used to has made me cynical and distant. Call it: cautious - to a fault.
i miss the blind faith i put in him, not for his sake, but for mine. To me trusting was a freedom; that i could place it in someone and have it be held in love, confidently, knowing that they'd not do anything to cause me nor those i love emotional pain and harm. It hurts me to know i was wrong and that i chose to trust, poorly, whether too quickly, or too blindly.
So now the questions become: How do i rebuild the faith i had in my own choices? How do i give anyone a chance to have me trust them? Can trust that has been shattered ever be rebuilt? How? i'm not so "good" as to forget and deny that the mistrust happened. Can i be content with myself not ever completely trusting another person? i hardly think that can be true of me, but now, as much as i dislike the thought, it seems an option i need to consider.
Not trusting anyone feels protective of myself and those i hold dear, and that's a good thing. Not trusting anyone feels isolating, and that's so terribly sad. Bear with me as i learn my way through this experience.
i miss the blind faith i put in him, not for his sake, but for mine. To me trusting was a freedom; that i could place it in someone and have it be held in love, confidently, knowing that they'd not do anything to cause me nor those i love emotional pain and harm. It hurts me to know i was wrong and that i chose to trust, poorly, whether too quickly, or too blindly.
So now the questions become: How do i rebuild the faith i had in my own choices? How do i give anyone a chance to have me trust them? Can trust that has been shattered ever be rebuilt? How? i'm not so "good" as to forget and deny that the mistrust happened. Can i be content with myself not ever completely trusting another person? i hardly think that can be true of me, but now, as much as i dislike the thought, it seems an option i need to consider.
Not trusting anyone feels protective of myself and those i hold dear, and that's a good thing. Not trusting anyone feels isolating, and that's so terribly sad. Bear with me as i learn my way through this experience.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Change
Doors Closing
Doors Opening
Doors Closing
Doors i'm Opening
i am safe, it's only change
i am safe, it's only change
i should first say that after some consideration and generous input, for which i am grateful, this blog is now "public". In the scheme of things, it should make no difference.
Ah, change. Imminent and inevitable.
i have been dealing with my chosen changes in path more during this past week or two. Doing it in smaller bits with random bursts of major "tackleage" has been an enlightening experience, and in many ways has highlighted a few ways in which i am richer that i ever thought, as well as seeing that i was deficient in realizing how little i trusted the Universe to see me through this. So wrong.
The D/s community from which i feared alienation has embraced me. my closest friends literally threw arms around me when i came out of my brief but intense seclusion. It began with one very dear friend and blossomed... "Social me" got let out to frolic!
The swell of out-reach and belonging i have felt from my religous community has only one explanation - the Universe has heard my plea and responded. i asked for support and connections that knew none of my history, just a welcoming love. Needed it. Got it! i have been randomly invited to more than one event or happening, allowed myself to risk going, and revelled in each one of them.
Yay me! And thank you, Universe! i am most appreciative for the kick in the pants and the warmth with which i have been welcomed and assured... it's only change.
i am safe, i am strong, i am loved.
Doors Opening
Doors Closing
Doors i'm Opening
i am safe, it's only change
i am safe, it's only change
i should first say that after some consideration and generous input, for which i am grateful, this blog is now "public". In the scheme of things, it should make no difference.
Ah, change. Imminent and inevitable.
i have been dealing with my chosen changes in path more during this past week or two. Doing it in smaller bits with random bursts of major "tackleage" has been an enlightening experience, and in many ways has highlighted a few ways in which i am richer that i ever thought, as well as seeing that i was deficient in realizing how little i trusted the Universe to see me through this. So wrong.
The D/s community from which i feared alienation has embraced me. my closest friends literally threw arms around me when i came out of my brief but intense seclusion. It began with one very dear friend and blossomed... "Social me" got let out to frolic!
The swell of out-reach and belonging i have felt from my religous community has only one explanation - the Universe has heard my plea and responded. i asked for support and connections that knew none of my history, just a welcoming love. Needed it. Got it! i have been randomly invited to more than one event or happening, allowed myself to risk going, and revelled in each one of them.
Yay me! And thank you, Universe! i am most appreciative for the kick in the pants and the warmth with which i have been welcomed and assured... it's only change.
i am safe, i am strong, i am loved.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
