HERE

I had to put this somewhere, so HERE has been elected!

M, who is on vacation visiting his son in Vancouver, BC, put international calling on his phone for one month in order to stay in touch with me while he was away.

He's texted and sent pics a few times, but he just called to talk. Said he's missing my voice.

Sweetness.

snippets

Days apart - stretch my patience.
Parenthood - tempers my temper.

Minimal communication that consists of being a personal scoreboard - are they the boards that build the coffin?

I feel forced to be bright and upbeat when my heart is heavy and my hope dimmed. A choice made from fear. Bad vantage point.

Setting this aside and being at peace is the goal ... I need to focus on myself instead. Wish I wasn't frustrated, angry, feeling 'boxed'. That makes the setting aside really difficult.

Last week, in an attempt to control my emotions, I said to a dear friend, "I don't know who I'm protecting, you or me."

And yet I ask for help to keep faith, to be reminded to hold trust and to be fluid enough to allow things to be what they will be... because they will be... like it or not.

?

Every now and then I wonder WTF?! What am I still doing here? Am I just a placeholder? (Because I sure feel like one) Will I ever be enough? Will my dreams ever come true? Is it worth it to try? Is it time to go?

Am I done trying? What might be the repercussions if I decided I was?

Reaping what has been Sown

I don't post here much, true,but when I do it's because it's my place to vent, or just write whatever comes to mind.

Lately the theme has been insecurity. The BoD saw fit to release me in Dec. Being MI and given my varied and uneducated background it is difficult at best to find any poition for which I am ideally suited. This dilemma also calls into question my capability as a person, a worker and preferrably independent person with continuing income on which to build a life of my own.

Of course, compounded on that is #2's growing pains as a legal adult, a worker, a student.. and a child with responsibilities living in his parent's home. He has chosen to spend nights out with less-than-desirable-to-mom friends and not all or be transparent in the least. I worry like crazy. In fact, sometimes crazy is a label that fits - in my mind at least.

Compound that yet again - my primary partner and the nature of our relationship occassionally leads to non-transparent, unbalanced and trust-shaking moments. This, I now realise, is the nature of our beast. It is that niggling worm of doubt and mistrust that can't be set aside. It is reality and it is born of very real history. Circumstances recently have lead to the worm gnawing at me, hard. Question now is, how do I handle it?

Solution? Deal With It! Not put up and shut up. My job search has intensified and widened in scope and area. #2 is home and though still asleep, he has plans with mom - like it or not. As for my beloved M... we will talk at lunchtime. I'll be as transparent as I can muster. I will open my heart and LISTEN my ears off!

The chant going through my head: "Open to Power Reach For Love"
In all of my power I open up
In all my strenth I rise
In all of my power I open up
I am reaching or the skies
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach - for - love!