In honor of making it through one year of blog-journaling, pain, happiness, growth, loss, faith, insight, gratitude, friendship, love, music, poetry, courage, strength, resolve, and all that i am... i give you this. Blessed Samhain.
One need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
Far safer, of a midnight meeting
External ghost,
Than an interior confronting
That whiter host.
Far safer through an Abbey gallop,
The stones achase,
Than, moonless, one's own self encounter
In lonesome place.
Ourself, behind ourself concealed,
Should startle most;
Assassin, hid in our apartment,
Be horror's least.
The prudent carries a revolver,
He bolts the door,
O'erlooking a superior spectre
More near.
~ Emily Dickinson ~
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
not today
Most days i put on such a brave front.
Bravado even.
Today life is just overwhelming me at every turn.
i am centered, i am focused, i am safe, i am calm.
You exhale before you fire, you know?
Bravado even.
Today life is just overwhelming me at every turn.
i am centered, i am focused, i am safe, i am calm.
You exhale before you fire, you know?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Belated Anniv.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.
- Alanis Morisette
There is only one person to whom this relates 100% because they've been by my side through it all... and i mean ALL. i was remiss in mentioning our 32 year anniversary in September. i'm making up for it.
To the closest friend a heart could ever have. i love you.
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.
- Alanis Morisette
There is only one person to whom this relates 100% because they've been by my side through it all... and i mean ALL. i was remiss in mentioning our 32 year anniversary in September. i'm making up for it.
To the closest friend a heart could ever have. i love you.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Still, i mourn it
i have lost the ability to trust and believe with perfect faith.
People keep proving to me that the loss was necessary.
People keep proving to me that the loss was necessary.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Hindsight Confirmed
Turns out the random IMs i've had are from a woman i know of (she's in the l/s - but that isn't it!) not from the polylist she'd mentioned and not from her religious leanings. As it turns out, her primary is a very dear and long-term friend of mine and she wanted to get to know me.
Note: It's not mine to own if she feels curious at my mere existence. By being honest and open with me and by letting her know me, i can only hope that what she seeks is satisfied.
Guess she didn't know how to do this and for that i am uncomfortable and sorry for her. Guess my openness is just so deep within my skin that i cannot see NOT being honest with someone i want to know. In my own hindsight, it was a good lesson.
For me: Trust my red flags! W! is right again! LoL
It was, in part, my lesson to teach her too. Being manipulative and deceptive isn't going to be a successful tool to get you to a point of honesty or openness. It just doesn't work that way. Ya want it... Ya gotta be it!
It is my sincere hope that i have learned and taught well.
Note: It's not mine to own if she feels curious at my mere existence. By being honest and open with me and by letting her know me, i can only hope that what she seeks is satisfied.
Guess she didn't know how to do this and for that i am uncomfortable and sorry for her. Guess my openness is just so deep within my skin that i cannot see NOT being honest with someone i want to know. In my own hindsight, it was a good lesson.
For me: Trust my red flags! W! is right again! LoL
It was, in part, my lesson to teach her too. Being manipulative and deceptive isn't going to be a successful tool to get you to a point of honesty or openness. It just doesn't work that way. Ya want it... Ya gotta be it!
It is my sincere hope that i have learned and taught well.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
20/20?
Got an interesting IM out of the blue today...
First conversation was ok. See the end of this entry for a couple hindsights...
Just ended a second conversation with "jean" (BWB58). She wants to meet for a drink on Friday. i told her that i have plans - meeting up with a friend. Suggested Saturday. She's babysitting grandkids (?) but said she'd drop a line to my e-mail if she (they?) could make a drink date. i'm good with that - another woman friend is always welcomed, :) but "they"? hmmmm
We do seem to have a lot in common, yet are very different in our expressions and social graces. It's cool. Could be a new friend, maybe not - much too early to tell. And then there's this:
Two red flags:
*** 1st conversation she said something about being pagan, but could not name the Trad. she was following. She said wicca. Ok, scratching head now...
*** It did strike me oddly that she'd tell me she saw me on a poly list i've not been on in years and then quickly asked me if i knew MG (a lifestyle person)! Is something awry here? She didn't even mention being involved in the D/s realm. Fortunately i have a policy of not discussing other people's lives with people i don't know (and even am shy with details and opinions about people i DO know) so that served me well.
It's definitely something to watch for if this is a ruse - or - Am i being too suspect of an innocent though way out-of-context name drop?
First conversation was ok. See the end of this entry for a couple hindsights...
Just ended a second conversation with "jean" (BWB58). She wants to meet for a drink on Friday. i told her that i have plans - meeting up with a friend. Suggested Saturday. She's babysitting grandkids (?) but said she'd drop a line to my e-mail if she (they?) could make a drink date. i'm good with that - another woman friend is always welcomed, :) but "they"? hmmmm
We do seem to have a lot in common, yet are very different in our expressions and social graces. It's cool. Could be a new friend, maybe not - much too early to tell. And then there's this:
Two red flags:
*** 1st conversation she said something about being pagan, but could not name the Trad. she was following. She said wicca. Ok, scratching head now...
*** It did strike me oddly that she'd tell me she saw me on a poly list i've not been on in years and then quickly asked me if i knew MG (a lifestyle person)! Is something awry here? She didn't even mention being involved in the D/s realm. Fortunately i have a policy of not discussing other people's lives with people i don't know (and even am shy with details and opinions about people i DO know) so that served me well.
It's definitely something to watch for if this is a ruse - or - Am i being too suspect of an innocent though way out-of-context name drop?
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Pathetic!
Hey, i snagged this from vaza.blogspot.com - because she's groovy and i liked her bolds. Just copy the list, bold the things you've done.
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (not drink)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (not drink)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
Friday, October 13, 2006
To think on
Find your true weakness and surrender to it.
Therein lies the path to genius. Most people spend
their lives using their strengths to overcome or
cover up their weaknesses. Those few who use their
strengths to incorporate their weaknesses, who don't
divide themselves, those people are very rare.
In any generation there are a few and they
lead their generation.
Moshe Feldenkrais
Therein lies the path to genius. Most people spend
their lives using their strengths to overcome or
cover up their weaknesses. Those few who use their
strengths to incorporate their weaknesses, who don't
divide themselves, those people are very rare.
In any generation there are a few and they
lead their generation.
Moshe Feldenkrais
It's a SIGN!
666 Hits. kewl
i'm reminded of song lyrics by Voltaire (pic):
And it's so easy when you're evil.
This is the life for me
The devil tips his hat to me!
i do it all because i'm evil,
And i do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay i'll ever need.
With homage to by best bud: "Bwahahahahahaha!"
And for the ever-sardonic Voltaire: www.voltaire.net
Thursday, October 12, 2006
On the UP side
Things are falling into place. i'm grounded more in the "now" than i have been in months (thank you in part to LB for the black tourmaline). i am more emotionally available and balanced than i was even as recently as last week.
i've noticed that following each fairly serious emotional "crash" i take, i bottom out, find a way to get or give myself a kick in the ass, followed by a leap in personal insight and growth. Soon after, resultant happiness, comfort, confidence and balance abounds. This is that time. In fact, the times are getting longer in between crashes. Healing takes time, but it's happening. One conscious step at a time.
Today my (Th) class won an all 4th-grade-classes contest. i pushed them to achieve this victory, but they came through on their own. It's the 4th consecutive year that a class of mine has won. While that's a pat on the back to me, i am SO proud of my students!
Oh. Remind me to get the enchilada story out of my head and into this blog one day.
It's really been a great day.
i've noticed that following each fairly serious emotional "crash" i take, i bottom out, find a way to get or give myself a kick in the ass, followed by a leap in personal insight and growth. Soon after, resultant happiness, comfort, confidence and balance abounds. This is that time. In fact, the times are getting longer in between crashes. Healing takes time, but it's happening. One conscious step at a time.
Today my (Th) class won an all 4th-grade-classes contest. i pushed them to achieve this victory, but they came through on their own. It's the 4th consecutive year that a class of mine has won. While that's a pat on the back to me, i am SO proud of my students!
Oh. Remind me to get the enchilada story out of my head and into this blog one day.
It's really been a great day.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Game is ON! and updated
A very dear friend sent me this e-mail [below]. i decided to respond to her and then thought to myself... "i really never ask to hear nice things about myself". So i did it. i sent it to some people i care about and whom i'd hoped cared about me too.
Since i believe that it's a positive thing to remember the good others see within us, i'm keeping my list of responses. They're posted here after the e-mail... and i am keeping it current as they come in!
Some of them left me speechless, others made me smile, others make me feel like a food group (and i think at least one's cheating!) but every one of them is treasured and appreciated. Oh - and i was surprised at the number of people who, after they responded to me, sent it out asking for responses themselves! i'm happy to respond.
Describe me in one word...just one word. Send it to me and me only.
Then send this message to your friends and see how many strange & interesting things people say about you. Just hit the reply key and send me my one word. Then forward this message on to your friends including me and see what they say about you! Game's On!
Since i believe that it's a positive thing to remember the good others see within us, i'm keeping my list of responses. They're posted here after the e-mail... and i am keeping it current as they come in!
Some of them left me speechless, others made me smile, others make me feel like a food group (and i think at least one's cheating!) but every one of them is treasured and appreciated. Oh - and i was surprised at the number of people who, after they responded to me, sent it out asking for responses themselves! i'm happy to respond.
*****
The Game is On! (This should be interesting!)Describe me in one word...just one word. Send it to me and me only.
Then send this message to your friends and see how many strange & interesting things people say about you. Just hit the reply key and send me my one word. Then forward this message on to your friends including me and see what they say about you! Game's On!
*****
Unique
Wonderous
Eclectic (2)
Fearless
Remarkable
Incandescent
Tantalizing
Mysterious
Energetic
Unique
Wonderous
Eclectic (2)
Fearless
Remarkable
Incandescent
Tantalizing
Mysterious
Energetic
Hottie
Interesting
Delicious
Medicinewoman
Saucy
Edible
Symphony
Complex
Exotic
True (2)
Mom #2
Hmmmmm
Mama
Warm
Amazing
Sensuous
Friday, October 06, 2006
Soulful Pep Talk
THIS is indeed where i want to be. i want to be creating my life; actively and consciously involved in every step and brick and dab of mortar.
This is more alive and certainly more "ME" than i have been in a long while. i like where i am now, in the moment. Here.
It's time to step up to my own plate. If the inner voice says no, then no it shall be. Yes is yes. Be at peace with it. The voices are never on the fence and will not steer me wrongly.
Be acutely aware of fear and pain as much as love, peace and goodness. Grab it, embrace it, understand it, let it go and see beyond it to the inner light, hear the inner voices and go further. Bring it to action...
DIVE DEEP. LISTEN. LIVE ACCORDINGLY.
This is more alive and certainly more "ME" than i have been in a long while. i like where i am now, in the moment. Here.
It's time to step up to my own plate. If the inner voice says no, then no it shall be. Yes is yes. Be at peace with it. The voices are never on the fence and will not steer me wrongly.
Be acutely aware of fear and pain as much as love, peace and goodness. Grab it, embrace it, understand it, let it go and see beyond it to the inner light, hear the inner voices and go further. Bring it to action...
DIVE DEEP. LISTEN. LIVE ACCORDINGLY.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Need and Blessing
It helps my mood, my feeling of worth, and my connectedness to those i love, that life "needs" me lately.
A friend who had surgery and needed my watchful eye and assistance. me watching the baby makes a mom able to attend a family funeral. me organizing an event facilitates friends coming together and having a whale of a good time. i was missed at chant circle. One woman wrote to tell me so. (smile) my ill child who calls in the middle of the day... "mommy?" The broken down car in Ohio at 1am. Watch the cats so you can attend you own child's wedding? Absolutely. Yes, i can help. i will help.
i will answer the call of friendship. i will answer the cries of my children and others i love. It is an honor that they think enough of me to call without fear of judgement or a debt to be paid back.
There are precious few that i would ever call, but recently i have called you too. And you have answered. Enough that i am blessed a million-fold.
Today, as i answer one of your calls this morning, i have a blessing with me. my dearest friends, it is you reaching out to me that is your gift to me. You show me that i am not far from your hearts. You forever show and prove your faith and trust in me. The Universe has brought your need to me and i will respond with appreciation. i will not let you down.
Today, my cup runneth over.
A friend who had surgery and needed my watchful eye and assistance. me watching the baby makes a mom able to attend a family funeral. me organizing an event facilitates friends coming together and having a whale of a good time. i was missed at chant circle. One woman wrote to tell me so. (smile) my ill child who calls in the middle of the day... "mommy?" The broken down car in Ohio at 1am. Watch the cats so you can attend you own child's wedding? Absolutely. Yes, i can help. i will help.
i will answer the call of friendship. i will answer the cries of my children and others i love. It is an honor that they think enough of me to call without fear of judgement or a debt to be paid back.
There are precious few that i would ever call, but recently i have called you too. And you have answered. Enough that i am blessed a million-fold.
Today, as i answer one of your calls this morning, i have a blessing with me. my dearest friends, it is you reaching out to me that is your gift to me. You show me that i am not far from your hearts. You forever show and prove your faith and trust in me. The Universe has brought your need to me and i will respond with appreciation. i will not let you down.
Today, my cup runneth over.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Game On!
"Life is a contact sport!" me
i've put myself on the "people person" sidelines for a few months now and i think that i'm finally getting ready to get back in the game of life.
This doesn't mean that i have dealt with everything i need to yet, i haven't. It does acknowledge that i know there's more to do, that it comes in waves, and that i can lead my life in an honorable and ethical way even while i take my time to continue to process with my demons.
Yes, i am still under my rock in many ways. Yes, it still has dark places. No, i am not ready to throw myself into a relationship yet. There is simply no way that i am attaching myself to anyone without a heart that is in tact and a clear head. How horrible of me if i did!
In fact, "no" seems to be my current theme song when it comes to the "fresh meat" sign over my head. Lately that flat-out no is softening to a "no thank you i'm flattered" or even a "no, i'm not ready yet", or rarely a "yes, well maybe, but not yet". It all adds up the same, but it's a huge step for me to even allow myself this crack in my well-built wall.
And then there are days like today, when my away message says: "Some days life is a joy." :)
i've put myself on the "people person" sidelines for a few months now and i think that i'm finally getting ready to get back in the game of life.
This doesn't mean that i have dealt with everything i need to yet, i haven't. It does acknowledge that i know there's more to do, that it comes in waves, and that i can lead my life in an honorable and ethical way even while i take my time to continue to process with my demons.
Yes, i am still under my rock in many ways. Yes, it still has dark places. No, i am not ready to throw myself into a relationship yet. There is simply no way that i am attaching myself to anyone without a heart that is in tact and a clear head. How horrible of me if i did!
In fact, "no" seems to be my current theme song when it comes to the "fresh meat" sign over my head. Lately that flat-out no is softening to a "no thank you i'm flattered" or even a "no, i'm not ready yet", or rarely a "yes, well maybe, but not yet". It all adds up the same, but it's a huge step for me to even allow myself this crack in my well-built wall.
And then there are days like today, when my away message says: "Some days life is a joy." :)
Sunday, October 01, 2006
?
Processing, processing, processing....
Waves of demon facing.
Intermittent joys when i allow myself to feel them.
Lots of holding... my temper, my tongue, my behavior, myself together
i have ~
blessings
friends
abilities
value
intelligence
community
influence
ideas
love
responsibility
commitment
loyalty
openness
power
and yet the Kali in me must still be met and dealt with...
Dark under this rock, ain't it?
Waves of demon facing.
Intermittent joys when i allow myself to feel them.
Lots of holding... my temper, my tongue, my behavior, myself together
i have ~
blessings
friends
abilities
value
intelligence
community
influence
ideas
love
responsibility
commitment
loyalty
openness
power
and yet the Kali in me must still be met and dealt with...
Dark under this rock, ain't it?
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