Troop Support - Our Way

i'm making a committment, with my spiritual community, to support a Yule drive/gifts to a military family in need ... BUT

Over the past few days i have realized that i feel strongly that it be a Pagan military family and/or soldier. Sending Yule gift tags on Christmas gifts just doesn't fulfill that need for me in a way that is meaningful to my faith.

Towards that goal, i've spent several hours today researching and sending notes to military chaplains and personnel who identify as Pagan. i've targeted those who are serving overseas, specifically in the middle east. i have also gotten myself a username on an appropriate discussion board in order to facilitate contacts.

It seems there ARE Pagan military men and women and their families in need of our help. And with some work they are findable. i have already received a response from a Pagan Circle on a base in Iraq. Better yet? They DO need help. Now THAT was cool.

Stay tuned. i'll post what info i can if you'd like to help too!

*Image from Stars & Stripes newsletter article about Pagans in the military. :)

Not a Resolution

Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.
~ William Arthur Ward ~

Perfect quote for my Reclaiming community and perfect for me and the New Year.

This ideal is something to which i am commiting to revisit and work on this year. Not a resolution per se, but a guide, something for which to strive.

#1 and i went to Erev Rosh HaShanah ritual last night at my mother's congregation and was surprised that it was as positive an experience as it was.

#1 and i kept pointing out all the spots in which our traditions (Judaism and Reclaiming) blended with each other and yet developed into different perspectives that don't seem to embrace each other (other than an emerging "Green Judaism"). i found that to be a pity but understand the realities of the history, the numbers game, the face of continued assimiliation, etc... i'm just not supportive of big do-as-i-say religion.

What i really enjoyed was the sermon.

Told from the view point of a connoisseur at a State Fairground, it was all about not accepting a feel-good, watered down version of Judaism. It drew correlations using the fatty, starchy version of "food" and what SHOULD sustain and nourish our bodies vs healthy options. It also advocated against martyrdom as a base, "Join us. We survive!" (that was a hoot in a pathetic way). These are both ideas i support and have for a long time.

i want "feel-good" with depth, with ecstatic chant, with deep ritual, with joy, with learning and knowledge... with tachlis.

i don't want "watered down" in order to be accessible to the masses who play at religion, i want to choose, from a point of knowing all the options for observance, what i feel works for me. What "elevates my soul" as the leaders of Reform Judaism say.

It's funny that i can do this with a foot firmly planted in each camp. i can work well with earth energies, honouring the cycle of the seasons through the stories of the Gods and other myths. i can agree with some of what i read last night, and see history and truth there, as it applies to me. i love that both sides believe in the magickal (though Judaism is loathe to call it that) and in the power of intention to cause change. i love that i have a broad perspective that challenges me to learn more, to grow and experience and to DO more.

L'Shanah Tova my friends, and an early Blessed Mabon/Succot

The Anniversary

If you want to know anything about today for me (Hell Day) see today's date last year.

Tonight #2 will sing in a short concert at school. i'm anxious to see it though it will be difficult to hold the tears. i think it's important for me to remember and honour the fight, his fight, our fight as a family - and to end today celebrating the SUCCESS.

Somehow knowing that among other songs he'll be singing the National Anthem tonight brings today full circle. Odd how that just seems... right.

More info!

Today was a first for #1 (and therefore for me too). It was her first "DEP Call" (Deferred Enlistment Program) and she had to report to her recruiting station for information and training.

i dutifully dropped her off and went to the mall like all good moms do when trying to stay out of the way. ;) The next thing i know in comes a text message that says "I know my ship date" Which means she knows when she leaves for basic training. With a gulp i asked... "when?" "Feb 12,08" was the reply. i guess since we were thinking it would be January this should feel like no big deal. Wrong. It's exciting, worrisome and frightening all at the same time.

When it came time to pick her up she seemed as calm and proud of herself as ever! (Did i mention she has a horrible cold/allergies, cramps and a stye that hit her all at once just yesterday?! LoL poor kid) Evidently she got to salute, stand at attention and received official documents all picture perfectly! Go her! Both of her Sergeants were impressed... so was mom.

New to be framed is her Certificate of Enlistment and her official acceptance certificate to the Community College of the Air Force.

Did i mention that i'm proud of her?!

The school at which i have taught for 13 years begins this morning and i am not there. My brain woke me at 6am, mostly because i don't think i have wrapped my head around this change in my life fully yet. Not sure that i ever really will, but still.

i'm not sure i fully understand why a contract was not offered, but given the political situation (membership dues, #1's choices there and T's fall-out there) i can't say that i am surprised in the least. At least T received a letter thanking him and saying they were heading in a different direction (although from those we know there it's "ssdd"). Me? Nothing. No thank yous, no sorry but's, no communication of any sort. 13 years for nothing.

i am left with a desperate lack of direction this morning. Thankfully i have a few hours of work to do later today. Tomorrow is another day of trying to find a job that fulfills what my children need of me and for which i can have some self-respect doing... if i can get it.

The economy here is just plain bad. Back in the early 70's there was a running 'joke' that went "Would the last person out of Michigan please turn out the lights?" It's pretty near that bad now.

In the meantime i am taking comfort in being able to focus on #1 and preparing her for leaving home in January.

Wish me luck... and the return of my sanity and self respect.

Blue Ribbon Pig :(

i feel like a prize to be won, lost or fought over.

i mean really... am i such a prize that people will either win me lock stock and barrel or forsake me? Am i so good in bed that not to have that makes one incapable of sharing friendship, love, support, life?

How utterly ridiculous! How shallow!

Late last night, one who was formerly supportive of my life and happiness 'bowed out' because "there's no getting back what used to be". In other words: a physical relationship.

Before one jumps to conclusions, this is a person with whom i had a marvelous relationship! Four years ago. Since that time i have seen them only twice in the last year, they've bowed out of my life before (for three years) and they rarely make contact with me now save for a text message about once a month that says "I miss you" or "I love you".
To translate: There is no "relationship" now, per se and we haven't been physical together in years. We talk about every six weeks. We're friends. i hear their troubles and they hear mine. i hear their joys and they hear mine. Friends. A person to whom i have been able to honestly say: "i love you too".

So now this... They perceive that i am too "easily led" from polyamory to monogamy (i.e. not having sex with them) and for this reason they no longer 'fit' in my life and are bowing out.

Yep, i've been reduced to being a blue ribbon pig. There is obviously nothing more to me than an A#1 practice breeder and if i'm not good for that then i'm pork chops.

Why then is it so painful to me to see how shallow other people can be? Why do others judge my choices based solely on their needs?
How can five years of a loving friendship, that has survived the illness and death of a spouse, remarriage, grief, four teenagers and distance, be reduced to "choose to be sexual with me or i don't fit in your life"?
What the hell happened?

thoughts revisited

It occurred to me that one reason there has been and is distance between S and myself is that i do not stand up to persistent and intense (my perception) analysis well. Not well at all.

It challenges everything. It drives me crazy with frustration because i cannot explain myself... even to myself. Though i know that i have learned to look at more angles of an issue and bigger pictures, i don't have rational explanations for it all. You can only say "i dunno" so many times!

i'm not at all consistent. i am an emotional creature. i listen to my heart too much. i do the best i think i can but i don't push myself enough. i am inherently inadequate at it all.

i feel as though i am a child in so many ways, coping and compensating in a world where the grown up people are everything i'm not. i strive to be like them. Yet i am like them. i can cope, i can function, i can do a million things that show that i am loyal, strong, capable, willing and engaged... but then there's the rest of me, a wishy-washy directionless blur.

My interactions with S over the past year or so have shown so much of this side of me that it's terribly uncomfortable in my skin. It shines the light of what feels like interrogation. And i squirm - away if at all possible.

Unfortunately, this has lead me to shrink away from someone i love very much and caused us both confusion and pain. In the end i am left owning responsibility. It's mine to own.

Try To Remember

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh so mellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain so yellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a young and a callow fellow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow--follow, oh-oh-

Lyrics by Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt

Prepping for Mabon

Covenstead Bread
Recipe by Gerina Dunwich

3/4 cup water
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup finely chopped citron
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons anise seeds
2-1/3 cups flour
1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon allspice

Bring the water to a boil in a saucepan. Add honey, citron, sugar, and anise seeds. Stir until the sugar completely dissolves and then remove from heat.

Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and spices, and fold into the hot honey mixture. Turn the batter into a well-greased 9 X 5 X 3-inch loaf pan and bake in a preheated 350-degree oven for one hour. Turn out on a wire rack to cool. (This recipe yields one loaf of bread.)

Covenstead Bread improves if allowed to stand for a day, and it is an ideal bread to serve during Lammas and Autumn Equinox Sabbats as well as at all coven meetings.

(This recipe is from "The Wicca Spellbook: A Witch's Collection of Wiccan Spells, Potions and Recipes" by Gerina Dunwich)

Ok, now where do i find Citron to chop?! Oh yeah... the local Jewish gift shop!

Ready?

#1 has joined the...


And i couldn't be more proud of her.