Montel

The AR list posted that Montel was having a show on Polyamory yesterday. i structured my day to watch it. Unfortunately, i am inept at my own VCR and couldn't figure out how to record it. Pity really, it was the best show on the subject i've ever seen done!

i was downright impressed, both with the panelists and with him [Montel] as facilitator of the discussion. Found myself wishing he'd come to our monthly dinners. LoL Even the one right-wing audience member who asked a question was treated with kindness and good humour!

i'm doing my best to see if i can get a copy of the show.

Post Turkey Day Post

i get caught up in the details and forget to express myself here. Ah well. Onward. Always. Relentlessly.

It's been an interesting Thanksgiving season. Got to spend more time with You. :-D Got to spend really good time with both of my kids individually. :) :) Got to "have it out" with my sister, K, between T'giving dinner and dessert. :( Got to share that with You and have You listen. :) Got to SHOP! :-D Got to spend time with friends. :) All in all, a pretty good time!

Oh, what it meant to lie in Your arms until all hours on Sunday morning. No place to go, nowhere to be except there. i love the gleam in Your eyes when i wince at the night's bruises blooming on my body as our bodies meet in the morning. The sharp pains, the dull soreness, the delicious mix of marks and invisible evidence of Your presence are all with me. i revel in it and in You.

Oz Unveiled

i'm always the one who tries to fix everything for people; make everything right, pacify even the toughest critics and naysayers, find the ideal middle ground. i'm a peacemaker! A success facilitator for others. Sacrificing what i can of myself for other's benefit is my specialty.
Today, all that was thrown out the window. i can't help everyone. Right now i can't even help the One person i want to help most. i can't make it better, can't influence the outcomes or even find a way to make it less difficult. i can't own it. i can't clone me nor spread myself thinner to accomodate everyone's needs of me. Today... the spaghetti has won. The great and powerful Oz is but a mere mortal.
Some days i crave being held helpless, given no option but surrender. This isn't one of them. This feels so foreign from whom i know myself to be.
i'm afraid that in my struggle with this, i've been less than a perfect listener for You. i keep trying to solve, save, suggest, stop-gap... i've rushed in to try to help, shared with You my frustrations at not being able to. Oy - so wrong.
In short, i've mucked it up this time.
i'll do better in the future. (Although i'm sorry You had to...) Thank You for pointing it out to me. It was kind of You to tell me instead of harbouring frustrations with my behaviour.

Do-Over!

Spent the past few days feeling exhausted from not being able to turn my brain off. Been running on that spaghetti-lined treadmill again.

Need to jump start my business. Get on top of my goals. Be organised. Focus. i am remembering now that i knew this business venture was going to ask me to step outside my normal "box" and be more outside myself, outgoing, than i am comfortable. i can do it for a while but am having trouble doing it consistently. i like my quiet, kinda shy self too.

In the morning, it's back to the grindstone for me.

*pat pat pat* i'm looking ...
Where the HELL is my RESET button?!

HISS

It's nearly 2am and i can't stop thinking about myself. (this is going to be understandably disjointed!) That may sound terrifically conceited, but i keep repeating an old pattern that i wish would die already! Been thinking a lot about Reactance/Resistance theories because i've posted articles about it to the list. the more i read and think, the worse off i am. As a social submissive, i am a train wreck! Too curious, too intelligent - with not enough common ettiquette, to willing to add my thoughts, too interested in wanting to be liked and respected, too willing to judge, too willing to please in the wrong way... It's not been a good night, can you tell? The more i want to be more submissive to Him, the worse i am in wanting to strengthen my understandings and hold on to old behaviours that have always pushed too hard. i'm thinking that i need to look inwards a whole lot more. Slow down and think things through even more than i do already before speaking or acting. Balance whether i am needed in a situation, or is it enough that i listen and not try to fix, offer solutions, or understand with a yen to problem solve. Whom does it serve if i jump in to help where i am not asked? The only answer must be: me. i guess it's good that this answer is keeping me awake. i find it deeply troubling to see this hard-assed way of thinking in myself. It feels so ingrained too, and still i want to make excuses for it, rationalise it away... No such luck. Truthfully? It scares people away from me! i KNOW this to be true. i need to break myself of it if i am to be able to have any respect for myself as a woman (let alone His woman) with any social graces at all! Right now this all feels so disgraceful, so as to almost be shameful. Learn, listen, wait, breathe, assess, wait again, breathe..... Learn. i need to sleep.

Jack of no trades

Today i filled out one of those "getting to know you" surveys that my friends circulate every once in a while. This one was from one of my sisterwives. Ok, i'm a sucker for things they send me.

One of the inquiries was to list all of the jobs you've ever held. Now, i know i've done a lot in life so far, but mine was a decent length paragraph long! Which only made me realize that, while i've done many things, i consider myself 'great' at almost none of them, and only 'adequate' at others.

It's a sobering thought for someone who has considered themselves a "jack of all trades" for a long while, to see that they really do only one thing really well. i can honestly say that my "day job" now is the one thing at which i have always and will continue to excel. Good thing for my students, too!

For your viewing pleasure and amusement, and in no particular order, here's the list:
Floral designer, Hebrew tutor, babysitter, Teacher's aide, Preschool Director, Parenting class/Childcare center liaison, Tour Guide (NY), Tour Manager (UK), Retail sales (giftware, leather goods, clothes), Theater manager, Adult Bar/Bat Mitzvah Instructor, Cantorial Soloist, Soprano soloist, Administrative Assistant, Student Advisor, Archery instructor, Library Aide, Hebrew teacher, Board Member, Tupperware Consultant, school registrar, Music Coordinator.
And the other ones: mom, sister, daughter, significant other, lover, friend, and wife of two awesome sisterwives!

erg

i try to be cheerful and perky in the morning. Really, i do. Today? erg. It just doesn't move me Bob, yanno?

Too much to do with no money or time with which to do it. Like a treadmill lined in spaghetti; i keep running and slipping, but not necessarily falling on my face, which is what makes it look easy to others. Maybe if i fell on my face more they'd know how tough this is?

Some days i think that i am into D/s not because my soul IS the "s" that i play on TV, but because my life is so freakin' "D" that i need an escape. On the other hand (there's always another hand) i don't know any other way to be me other than by facilitating other's happiness. It's what i do. It's who i am.

Damned spaghetti.

being right and dreaming reality

So my students were brainless last night (always wonder whether that's an enabled trait) and the whole evening was a huge frustration. Oh, and my Wednesday morning "standing meeting" got cancelled because my manager made another appointment for the same time. i do hate it when my sense of foreboding is right on the money. Grrrr. Ah well, i should look at this as an opportunity.... At least i was prepared for it!

As it happens, i do get to start on a project for P, which while simple and utilitarian, means that i am doing something to see to His needs, and that feels good.

i had the most expressive dream last night. i dreamed that T had another house, more well kept and larger than the one he has provided for his family. i exploded in anger and frustration at him. How could he leave his children with no groceries, scrimping to get by and yet afford his own extravagances... It was a stunning reflection of reality. i'm really angry, and now it's creeping into my dreamtime. Crap. i can think of MUCH better things about which to dream!!!

It's interesting to me that here this is, my blog, and yet, i am uncertain how personal to be, what person in which to write (avoiding 3rd!), and how many names, rants, details, to include in it. What i wrote above; is that ok? Only i can decide.

Onward to P's needs.

Foreboding

Lonely morning, driving headlong into a full afternoon, launched by a funeral. Yay. Rah.

Don't know why i'm feeling aggressive. Have a deep sense of foreboding and i want to fight against it coming to fruition. Not much i can do though. When i feel it coming, it's usually well-founded.

Wonder if having You reign me in would give me a feeling of being more content with not having control over it?... hm. On the other hand, that would serve no one but me, so it's a moot idea. No choice but to live through it and cope as best i'm able. i'm sure it was put there to give me yet another opportunity to do just that. rats.

Off to the funeral.....