Every now and then I wonder WTF?! What am I still doing here? Am I just a placeholder? (Because I sure feel like one) Will I ever be enough? Will my dreams ever come true? Is it worth it to try? Is it time to go?
Am I done trying? What might be the repercussions if I decided I was?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Reaping what has been Sown
I don't post here much, true,but when I do it's because it's my place to vent, or just write whatever comes to mind.
Lately the theme has been insecurity. The BoD saw fit to release me in Dec. Being MI and given my varied and uneducated background it is difficult at best to find any poition for which I am ideally suited. This dilemma also calls into question my capability as a person, a worker and preferrably independent person with continuing income on which to build a life of my own.
Of course, compounded on that is #2's growing pains as a legal adult, a worker, a student.. and a child with responsibilities living in his parent's home. He has chosen to spend nights out with less-than-desirable-to-mom friends and not all or be transparent in the least. I worry like crazy. In fact, sometimes crazy is a label that fits - in my mind at least.
Compound that yet again - my primary partner and the nature of our relationship occassionally leads to non-transparent, unbalanced and trust-shaking moments. This, I now realise, is the nature of our beast. It is that niggling worm of doubt and mistrust that can't be set aside. It is reality and it is born of very real history. Circumstances recently have lead to the worm gnawing at me, hard. Question now is, how do I handle it?
Solution? Deal With It! Not put up and shut up. My job search has intensified and widened in scope and area. #2 is home and though still asleep, he has plans with mom - like it or not. As for my beloved M... we will talk at lunchtime. I'll be as transparent as I can muster. I will open my heart and LISTEN my ears off!
The chant going through my head: "Open to Power Reach For Love"
In all of my power I open up
In all my strenth I rise
In all of my power I open up
I am reaching or the skies
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach - for - love!
Lately the theme has been insecurity. The BoD saw fit to release me in Dec. Being MI and given my varied and uneducated background it is difficult at best to find any poition for which I am ideally suited. This dilemma also calls into question my capability as a person, a worker and preferrably independent person with continuing income on which to build a life of my own.
Of course, compounded on that is #2's growing pains as a legal adult, a worker, a student.. and a child with responsibilities living in his parent's home. He has chosen to spend nights out with less-than-desirable-to-mom friends and not all or be transparent in the least. I worry like crazy. In fact, sometimes crazy is a label that fits - in my mind at least.
Compound that yet again - my primary partner and the nature of our relationship occassionally leads to non-transparent, unbalanced and trust-shaking moments. This, I now realise, is the nature of our beast. It is that niggling worm of doubt and mistrust that can't be set aside. It is reality and it is born of very real history. Circumstances recently have lead to the worm gnawing at me, hard. Question now is, how do I handle it?
Solution? Deal With It! Not put up and shut up. My job search has intensified and widened in scope and area. #2 is home and though still asleep, he has plans with mom - like it or not. As for my beloved M... we will talk at lunchtime. I'll be as transparent as I can muster. I will open my heart and LISTEN my ears off!
The chant going through my head: "Open to Power Reach For Love"
In all of my power I open up
In all my strenth I rise
In all of my power I open up
I am reaching or the skies
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach for love
Open to power reach - for - love!
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