My Motif

Posting's been sparse. It's a symptom of my hamstering mind... finding the balance that suits me and my life. If there's any theme here and in my life that's it: Balance.

Where i find my balance in any given situation might be tremendously different from other people. i've made my peace with that.

i am not one to be "in charge" or the decision maker unless i feel it's needed in order to create a stable balance. Oh yes, i am perfectly comfortable and capable of stepping into that role, i simply prefer not to unless it's needed because i step into it with strength... so much so that people who only see that don't recognize me when i am able to drop it.

In my home it is needed.
In my classrooms (now 6 of them) it is needed.
As an employee it is needed.
Dealing with parents it is needed.
Dealing with blood family it is needed.

In my personal relationships i specifically seek for it not to be needed. i'm not always successful in that endevour. Of course, people in whom i can place that level of trust is not something that is abundant. Now i am learning that over time even those people i have trusted before can disappoint in reciprocating that trust. (That one stung.)

So - look for the theme to return time and again as i seek my unique balance to posting, to relationships of all sorts, and to life in general.

AFGM

Life lately is a constant reminder that i have so much for which to be grateful and in which to find joy. Yet the balance of this on-going celebration is not easily found amidst the apparent chaotic landscape of daily life. Is it only to me that every magickal moment seems to gleam through the muck?

Even when friendships end...
Through new job freak outs...
When silences make for wide gaps between sisters...
Between tears of tension...
Under the stresses of growth and change...
And through parenting pitfalls and incompetent administrators...
Despite demands and frantic schedules.

Doors closing, Doors opening...

There is so much to celebrate.
#2's remission is stable.
The sun shone today.
And it's Spring, Eostara.

Hail and Welcome, Changing Woman.
i will do my best to be strong amidst Your winds of change.

hmmm

I Render

having rendered filial piety to my parents
undeserving though they may be
maternal love and life to my children
definitely deserved and lovingly tendered
friendship and companionship to friends
faithfully and joyfully returned in full
passion, love, and tears to lovers
some foolishly chosen, others poignantly still loved
power and money to the various obfuscating craven Caesars
extorted legally, reluctantly and grudgingly given
more money and questions, always questioning the various holy men and their mythos
answers irrevently and mockingly disbelieved
I wonder
what must I render to myself?

by butterflynxile (c) 2007

hate to say --- *updated

It's a blog all about ME.

It's about how life affects *me*, how *i* perceive things, what *i* think.
my intent was never to have them be springboards for 1:1 conversations, or for me to expose my bloody innards for any provocative purpose other than for it to be *my* dumping ground.

i expect readers who know me in "meat time" to know that i am mature enough to bring something to you in person if i need to talk about it. There is no passive-aggressive intent here. (BTW: If you think that i'm talking about you it's because you're in my life... and aren't you glad of that?!)

The way *i* see it... if *i* can dump it here *i* RARELY (if ever) need to talk about and 'explore' it! Don't bug me about it. Don't poke me with a stick. i bite back!

The blog... serves *my* purpose.

mine mine mine

Gaining Control

"You must gain control over the patterns that govern your mind: your world view, your beliefs about what you deserve and about what's possible. That's the zone of fundamental change, strength, and energy --- and the true meaning of courage."
~ Peter Koestenbaum

i'm working on it. Believe me!
And thank you s and D, for your words.

How would i know?

"How Would I Know"

You say you don't feel like yourself

Does that mean you're somebody else

How would I know

Oh you say you just don't feel quite right today

Does that mean that you're slipping away

How would I know

You might believe there's a paradise

In the next hello

*

How would I know

If you don't tell me so

If you wanted to go

How would I know

*

You say you don't know what you're doing here

Does that mean you might disappear

How would I know

You might feel that there's something real

In the next hello

*

How would I know

If you don't tell me so

If you wanted to go

How would I know

.

.

~ Melissa Etheridge ~

One more

Me and #1 on Mardi Gras Day in warm, sunny, FLA.