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i have lived through yesterday.

Dread

This evening, i've finally told You that i've been having recurring nightmares for the past month or so. The stress of which is about to peak, and then heaven only knows what will happen. More stress? Less? The interminable passing of time unchanged?

See, i keep dreaming that it's the night of my family's annual Chanukah party which should be renamed "the abundant exchange of gifts more extravagant than your feelings for each other". i.e. We get stuff (major from mother) and give stuff (substantial from each of us). In the dream, the only gift that comes to me is from T. It's a nicely wrapped smallish box containing only one thing; papers. Given in front of my whole family and the kids. i feel myself short of breath and mortified to be unprepared and devastated in such an embarrassing way. The dream ends with my family laughing at my reaction and me frantically attempting to work my way out of the spotlight. i always wake, panicked.

Of course, before then is tomorrow that i have to live through. 20 years plus 6 prior to that. i've been deluded, smothered, elated, joyous, terrified, set free, courageous, ashamed, insecure, confused, strong, sure, cared for, stranded, with and without him 'present' for so long now. So... now what? i'm at an impasse in so many ways. We all are.

Vacation?

Well school's out, so officially it's "vacation". Riiiiight. Silly You!

i've spent many days lording over homework because #1 has left many loose ends and will not pass if they're not all neatly tied up and delivered by Jan. 3. There's no less than 10 assignments. Erg!

Got to surprise Him for Yule and appeared on His doorstep. Except... He wasn't home! i'm still laughing. He did come home and we did have a wonderful Yule night together. Best part of the evening? He really laughed at the cute things i'd gotten Him. i do love to make Him laugh! Purrrr And wow, what He gave me!

i've giftwrapped my fingers to the bone as a fundraiser, and come home and wrapped more for loved ones and family. Good thing i love doing it! (wrapping)

#2 is counting the days until the gift-fest my family calls a party. me? i'm all set to return most of it already. Do you really think my family listens or knows what i want? LoL You're funny. ;)

Hey - Seems i've finally convinced 1 & 2 not to ask for JUNK and STUFF for Chanukkah. They're being very compliant for a couple of teenagers. Wow, you think i MAY have instilled a couple of values along the way??? i'm thinking it's possible.

Tomorrow will bring Xmas "supper" with Him, then Chanukkah "dinner" with us. Little trinkets of gifts, but mostly the celebration of the miracle of hope and light in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

i can relate.

Yay, Vent & Snow

i finally got a new car! The PT Cruiser GT Turbo's nickname is: Mama's lil' Hearse! LoL Couldn't resist. It has dark windows and everything. Thanks to my Salesman (Hm, cap the "S"?) who made the experience of shopping for the car fun and relatively easy. i do love You, my dear Salesman!

If rule #1 is never assume... well He made a whallop of it Tuesday night into yesterday. Made Himself sick over it even. Fortunately i am persistent in my need for communication. Should i know by now that He jumps to conclusions that damn me? Knowing it doesn't mean it hurts less. On the other hand, shouldn't He know me better by now? One would hope so.

Had it out with #2 yesterday evening. i think he now understands that i won't budge until he does, and comes through with more consistent effort and success. Maybe he needed to hear that i believe in him; that every time he has tried from his heart he has succeeded. He heard it last night. Soon after that (and a run down of the day's work) we came to a compromise over what he was asking of me. Score one for the good girls!

At the rate it's coming down now (expecting as much as 6+) they may well be cancelling my class this afternoon. i'm so ticked over that. my last chance to see my kids until 2006, our holiday celebration, their holiday art work to be passed out before the holiday, the points i was to give out, the assignments that need explaining..... i'll need to spend time trying to revamp my oh-so-well-laid plans.

Now of course, i'm wondering if my own two will be sent home early too! i'm thinking that i should go out and find the driveway NOW, so there's some indication of where it is LATER! Oy!

Pushing

i really do dread opening my e-mail lately.

Today, as has been the daily pattern, it was an update of #2's work in school... well, lack of work in school. It seems that the adjustment to the social structure has gone so well, that it has completely forced out any academic adjustment that might have happened. They tell me this like it's something new... AND something for which i am supposed to posess the magic bullet to fix, too! HA! i wish.

Every day i climb up hill, pushing the boulders all the way. If i give up... they will flatten me and roll at an alarming speed back down the hill. If i keep pushing... what will come of it? Will they ever reach the top?

Some days i wonder if there's a choice to be made here. Is letting go and knowing that i will watch at least one of them fall, the right choice? What then? i love them. i adore them. i worry for their futures. It's my job.

*sigh!*

You're most of the way across the state right now. Gods, i miss You!

i think You and i feel much the same about this one. Part high hopes, part dread. We each have said all along, "whatever needs to be done", but of course doing it is the hard part.

i suppose i should ask permission now to fall apart if this comes to fruition, but somehow, i pray, we'll manage to see each other through to a happy ending without the hysterics. (i'll try!)

Know that i believe in You, and in Your ability to fulfill a positive and prosperous destiny.

me? i'm off to see the lady at the CU. Vroom! (i HOPE!)

Today

Today, all day, You cared for me, even though we were several miles from each other. Can i just share with You how loved it made me feel to know that You were literally looking after me even while You were at work?! i have always loved that You and i nurture each other, but it's a sense, a feeling. i don't often get direct examples of it that i can pinpoint. Today, i can.

Today You didn't let me hide my feelings of concern. Today You verbally stroked my hair and calmed me, telling me it will be ok. Today You brought me food when i was hungry, a hug when i needed Your support, a smile when i needed humour, and companionship when i was lonely.

Today You wrapped me in a blanket of You. Exactly what i needed. Thank You.

Montel

The AR list posted that Montel was having a show on Polyamory yesterday. i structured my day to watch it. Unfortunately, i am inept at my own VCR and couldn't figure out how to record it. Pity really, it was the best show on the subject i've ever seen done!

i was downright impressed, both with the panelists and with him [Montel] as facilitator of the discussion. Found myself wishing he'd come to our monthly dinners. LoL Even the one right-wing audience member who asked a question was treated with kindness and good humour!

i'm doing my best to see if i can get a copy of the show.

Post Turkey Day Post

i get caught up in the details and forget to express myself here. Ah well. Onward. Always. Relentlessly.

It's been an interesting Thanksgiving season. Got to spend more time with You. :-D Got to spend really good time with both of my kids individually. :) :) Got to "have it out" with my sister, K, between T'giving dinner and dessert. :( Got to share that with You and have You listen. :) Got to SHOP! :-D Got to spend time with friends. :) All in all, a pretty good time!

Oh, what it meant to lie in Your arms until all hours on Sunday morning. No place to go, nowhere to be except there. i love the gleam in Your eyes when i wince at the night's bruises blooming on my body as our bodies meet in the morning. The sharp pains, the dull soreness, the delicious mix of marks and invisible evidence of Your presence are all with me. i revel in it and in You.

Oz Unveiled

i'm always the one who tries to fix everything for people; make everything right, pacify even the toughest critics and naysayers, find the ideal middle ground. i'm a peacemaker! A success facilitator for others. Sacrificing what i can of myself for other's benefit is my specialty.
Today, all that was thrown out the window. i can't help everyone. Right now i can't even help the One person i want to help most. i can't make it better, can't influence the outcomes or even find a way to make it less difficult. i can't own it. i can't clone me nor spread myself thinner to accomodate everyone's needs of me. Today... the spaghetti has won. The great and powerful Oz is but a mere mortal.
Some days i crave being held helpless, given no option but surrender. This isn't one of them. This feels so foreign from whom i know myself to be.
i'm afraid that in my struggle with this, i've been less than a perfect listener for You. i keep trying to solve, save, suggest, stop-gap... i've rushed in to try to help, shared with You my frustrations at not being able to. Oy - so wrong.
In short, i've mucked it up this time.
i'll do better in the future. (Although i'm sorry You had to...) Thank You for pointing it out to me. It was kind of You to tell me instead of harbouring frustrations with my behaviour.

Do-Over!

Spent the past few days feeling exhausted from not being able to turn my brain off. Been running on that spaghetti-lined treadmill again.

Need to jump start my business. Get on top of my goals. Be organised. Focus. i am remembering now that i knew this business venture was going to ask me to step outside my normal "box" and be more outside myself, outgoing, than i am comfortable. i can do it for a while but am having trouble doing it consistently. i like my quiet, kinda shy self too.

In the morning, it's back to the grindstone for me.

*pat pat pat* i'm looking ...
Where the HELL is my RESET button?!

HISS

It's nearly 2am and i can't stop thinking about myself. (this is going to be understandably disjointed!) That may sound terrifically conceited, but i keep repeating an old pattern that i wish would die already! Been thinking a lot about Reactance/Resistance theories because i've posted articles about it to the list. the more i read and think, the worse off i am. As a social submissive, i am a train wreck! Too curious, too intelligent - with not enough common ettiquette, to willing to add my thoughts, too interested in wanting to be liked and respected, too willing to judge, too willing to please in the wrong way... It's not been a good night, can you tell? The more i want to be more submissive to Him, the worse i am in wanting to strengthen my understandings and hold on to old behaviours that have always pushed too hard. i'm thinking that i need to look inwards a whole lot more. Slow down and think things through even more than i do already before speaking or acting. Balance whether i am needed in a situation, or is it enough that i listen and not try to fix, offer solutions, or understand with a yen to problem solve. Whom does it serve if i jump in to help where i am not asked? The only answer must be: me. i guess it's good that this answer is keeping me awake. i find it deeply troubling to see this hard-assed way of thinking in myself. It feels so ingrained too, and still i want to make excuses for it, rationalise it away... No such luck. Truthfully? It scares people away from me! i KNOW this to be true. i need to break myself of it if i am to be able to have any respect for myself as a woman (let alone His woman) with any social graces at all! Right now this all feels so disgraceful, so as to almost be shameful. Learn, listen, wait, breathe, assess, wait again, breathe..... Learn. i need to sleep.

Jack of no trades

Today i filled out one of those "getting to know you" surveys that my friends circulate every once in a while. This one was from one of my sisterwives. Ok, i'm a sucker for things they send me.

One of the inquiries was to list all of the jobs you've ever held. Now, i know i've done a lot in life so far, but mine was a decent length paragraph long! Which only made me realize that, while i've done many things, i consider myself 'great' at almost none of them, and only 'adequate' at others.

It's a sobering thought for someone who has considered themselves a "jack of all trades" for a long while, to see that they really do only one thing really well. i can honestly say that my "day job" now is the one thing at which i have always and will continue to excel. Good thing for my students, too!

For your viewing pleasure and amusement, and in no particular order, here's the list:
Floral designer, Hebrew tutor, babysitter, Teacher's aide, Preschool Director, Parenting class/Childcare center liaison, Tour Guide (NY), Tour Manager (UK), Retail sales (giftware, leather goods, clothes), Theater manager, Adult Bar/Bat Mitzvah Instructor, Cantorial Soloist, Soprano soloist, Administrative Assistant, Student Advisor, Archery instructor, Library Aide, Hebrew teacher, Board Member, Tupperware Consultant, school registrar, Music Coordinator.
And the other ones: mom, sister, daughter, significant other, lover, friend, and wife of two awesome sisterwives!

erg

i try to be cheerful and perky in the morning. Really, i do. Today? erg. It just doesn't move me Bob, yanno?

Too much to do with no money or time with which to do it. Like a treadmill lined in spaghetti; i keep running and slipping, but not necessarily falling on my face, which is what makes it look easy to others. Maybe if i fell on my face more they'd know how tough this is?

Some days i think that i am into D/s not because my soul IS the "s" that i play on TV, but because my life is so freakin' "D" that i need an escape. On the other hand (there's always another hand) i don't know any other way to be me other than by facilitating other's happiness. It's what i do. It's who i am.

Damned spaghetti.

being right and dreaming reality

So my students were brainless last night (always wonder whether that's an enabled trait) and the whole evening was a huge frustration. Oh, and my Wednesday morning "standing meeting" got cancelled because my manager made another appointment for the same time. i do hate it when my sense of foreboding is right on the money. Grrrr. Ah well, i should look at this as an opportunity.... At least i was prepared for it!

As it happens, i do get to start on a project for P, which while simple and utilitarian, means that i am doing something to see to His needs, and that feels good.

i had the most expressive dream last night. i dreamed that T had another house, more well kept and larger than the one he has provided for his family. i exploded in anger and frustration at him. How could he leave his children with no groceries, scrimping to get by and yet afford his own extravagances... It was a stunning reflection of reality. i'm really angry, and now it's creeping into my dreamtime. Crap. i can think of MUCH better things about which to dream!!!

It's interesting to me that here this is, my blog, and yet, i am uncertain how personal to be, what person in which to write (avoiding 3rd!), and how many names, rants, details, to include in it. What i wrote above; is that ok? Only i can decide.

Onward to P's needs.

Foreboding

Lonely morning, driving headlong into a full afternoon, launched by a funeral. Yay. Rah.

Don't know why i'm feeling aggressive. Have a deep sense of foreboding and i want to fight against it coming to fruition. Not much i can do though. When i feel it coming, it's usually well-founded.

Wonder if having You reign me in would give me a feeling of being more content with not having control over it?... hm. On the other hand, that would serve no one but me, so it's a moot idea. No choice but to live through it and cope as best i'm able. i'm sure it was put there to give me yet another opportunity to do just that. rats.

Off to the funeral.....

Starting

i've tried blogging before. i have forgotten passwords, neglected to write, blah, blah... it never lasted long. Whether that was my true intention i cannot be certain, but that is the past, and gone. poof!

It is my wish to share this with precious few. If you are one with whom i am sharing this blog, i would appreciate it if you would see it as your solemn obligation not to share this addy nor discuss its contents with anyone. Do not assume that others i might know are welcome here; odds are, they're not. Rule #1, says He: Never assume.

If my life (what makes me hiss and what makes me purrrrr), "adult" honesty, and an evolving Power Exchange relationship is not something you wish to read about: don't. Within reason this is my safe forum. i have been permitted to do this and i choose to write in all honesty, introspection and candour (with Goddess knows what else thrown in!). Make your choices as you wish.

With that said... Onward into the breech! (NOT to fill it with our English dead!)