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In a past post i wrote a tirade about a 'situation' i was working my way through. Here is some of what has just now developed...

It was not communicated clearly what the existing priority was, nor was i in a position to resolve the missing information or how i felt about it.
i replaced troubled, unsatisfied reactions with painful frustration, 'walls' and hurt feelings.
Things that were thought to have been communicated never were, or were not heard for what they were thought to have been.
Feelings that were never intended to be hurt - were.
Meanings got lost in words.

On the other hand...
Some realities have become clearer and honest lines of communication are being created.
my eyes remain wide open.
The trust that was budding has been shaken, not loose, but needs reinforcement.
Pertinent from another post... i will not hang on for fear of loss.
i am without and do not need the abyss of addiction.
i will do what is right for me and the rest of my life regardless of my own hurt.
There is hurt and there is harm. i can handle, learn and grow from hurt. Do no harm.

An added "me quote" 1/1/07: i want to trust that you intend me no harm; but intent isn't the primary factor in securing the result.

Troubling

Catching up on two really troubling things that have happened.

1. A portion of our Yule ritual was spent blessing a manna bag and bidding farewell to a member of our circle who is headed to Iraq for a second tour of duty. He actually leaves this week. i respect him tremendously for his senses of duty and of humanity.
Gods' speed my friend. The circle will be doing its best to watch after your beloved family. Candles are lit for your safe return.

2. A sweet couple i know had moved out of town so that he could be closer to his daughters who live with his ex-wife. i was at their going away gathering two weeks ago and raised a toast to them... they left that night for a hotel because it was important to them to be there before Christmas. We talked about their visits and how much we all looked forward to seeing them again.
This past Thursday i found out that while she was here packing the last items in the house, he was leaving work in their new city and was involved in a truck collision and killed.
We miss you, Sir David. The whole community is reeling.

i'm feeling a need to pull everyone close and hold them. i fear for the loss of those whom i love, yet i know that i cannot live in that fear. Life happens and people are not meant to be held onto for reasons of fear.

Please, dear Universe, give me the wisdom to learn from these examples, to accept that they are happening and to carry on fearlessly; to fly and be strong and positive for those who need me.

Still Flying

Four weeks and three days since she was born. Four weeks since this pic was taken. Finally got her here!

She reminds me that every day should be a celebration.

Another late night

Waifmas is a hoot, and i was honored to have been invited.

But just what and why IS Waifmas, you ask...

Here's a glimpse: See how I'm surviving nursing school! Dodge your family gathering! Eat tasty food! Share goofiness with fun people you don't see anywhere near often enough!
Shared food is welcome, as are board/cardgames, musical instruments, and folding chairs. Other implements of public amusement are also welcome.
This isn't a Christmas thing. It's held on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because it's hard not to be depressed if you're alone on those days; the culture is rough that way. I want to give people someplace to be if they want one, and increase my odds of company.

So... Waifmas, a place for us waifs who don't celebrate with the masses.

And now it's WHAT HOUR??? and i just walked in. Falling asleep on my feet!

late night

What did i do tonight... until the wee hours of this morning?

METACOMMUNICATED!

Oh, and answered lipstick questions too.

Morning Perspective

Ah, the light of day and some sleep tempers the severe decree (ala high holy day liturgy, LoL).

i still felt everything that i had said, there were no half truths there, but i made a great day of it, got a lot done, enjoyed my kids and my friends, and thought seriously about the amount of control i had given yesterday's situation.

Today i am less angry and more disappointed; not in the resulting circumstance, but in the other person's allocation of their time and perhaps in the priority and place i have in their lives. Yes, i understand that life gets in the way of living sometimes and i'm sure i'm not the only disappointed one here... but i can only react for myself.

Today i am less resentful and more guilty. For my own selfish sake i didn't help a friend. This event didn't cause that, *i* did! It just put it in the spotlight for me. Ouch, ouch, that stings!

In the scheme of things the whole impact was inconvenience, disappointment and my own guilt. Best thing is - that i am forgiving myself and learning valuable lessons.

If you're wondering... i can't forgive them until i hear more from them. Priorities and the season being what it is, that has yet to happen.

Long-Winded Hiss

Well let's see... i was up til 2:30 this morning getting stuff done. Up again at 7am to continue getting things accomplished... trying to create time and make space for my own happiness... only to find that (as i was walking out the door) the plans i'd lain for a large portion of the day had to go by the wayside.

my morning meal consisted of: not-so-controlled helpings of anger n'disappointment stew, a side dish of selfishness, sprinkled with a dash of attitude, a hefty cup of inconvenience spiced with some deep re-thinking, and garnished with a helping of guilt for most of the above emotions (except the thinking).

my dear friend R's words echo loudly in my head, "and always remember to breathe." Enter plan B: If i slow down and take my time with what i am cramming in to the day, that might be 'ok'. Novel concept, i know. So off i went... to make a pot of coffee before running the errand i was rushing to. Of course i added a few tasks (ever-productive me) here and there and was able to make good use of a roaring, disappointing, kill-someone angry, how-dare-you-do-that-to-me kind of day. Actually, it was about at this point that i finally remembered to breathe. i know there are two sides to this situation. Time will tell what its resolution will be.

What hurt most was the fact that i had begged off helping a friend in favor of these plans. That was selfish, but i did it. Then, having my self-indulgent plans fall through had me feeling not just resentment... but a lot of guilt. Bad friend, bad.

i admit, i did keep hoping my phone would ring and at least a portion of my plan A would be restored, but hopes faded away as the day went on and i had much to do to prepare for tonight's Yule celebration... Which Rocked! In the end it was a decent and productive day. Go Me! So really this entry should be about Yule... i just had to get this frustrated anger off my chest.

end rant. (but not end thinking)

Quiz

What type of thinker are you?

The way you think about things makes you a Linguistic Architect. This means you are brilliant when it comes to language and words. You are also very good at understanding things on an abstract level. You are at your best when you put those two skills together to communicate new ideas and see how they fit into different contexts. You understand math and science on a gut level, even if the equations and science don't come as easily. You can use these skills to be a great communicator or to create a masterpiece.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of a Linguistic Architect? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you a Linguistic Architect.

Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

Ten Questions

On a list to which i belong this post came along by a friend of mine; she thought it'd be interesting to see how people responded. i agree, and thought that my little 'blog world' might find it interesting as well. my own answers are below.

I happen to like to watch Inside The Actors Studio on Bravo from time to time. At the end of each interview, the ten questions by Bernard Pivot that host James Lipton asks are: What is your favorite word? What is your least favorite word? What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]? What turns you off? What is your favorite curse word? What sound or noise do you love? What sound or noise do you hate? What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? What profession would you not like to do? If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?


What is your favorite word?
For men to say: Toast
For women to say: Peach

What is your least favorite word?
Test

What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
Honesty, Brains and Talent
*addendum: A nice ass, great smile and wicked sense of humour work too!

What turns you off?
Deceit

What is your favorite curse word?
fuck

What sound or noise do you love?
Other than my children laughing...
The contented purrrrr of a lover.

What sound or noise do you hate?
Extraneous noise - my kids love to make it!
#2 is a wanna-be drummer and we're all singers, so it's constant rapping on tables, tapping on chairs, incessant humming random or repetitive bits of music... Ahhhhhh!

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Pharmacy technologist... and i've always wanted to be a radio commercial singer!

What profession would you not like to do?
Anything shown on "Dirty Jobs"!

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Hello, old friend. Welcome home."

To SL

i know that SL finds it difficult to accept that it's ok to TAKE when you need it, but... my dear friend, today you gave me the gift of giving to you.

Today, as i accompanied you to out-patient surgery and then home for the remainder of the day... you made me feel really good about myself!

SL - You truly lift me up when you allow me into your life to help you in any way. Knowing that you feel you can rely on me, trust me in your home and to see to your needs is a huge compliment and a vote of confidence that fills my heart and validates that i can be the kind of friend i envision myself as.

Thank you, and a speedy recovery!

Like this

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE LOVED, NOT AT THE COST OF YOURSELF.

THE SINGLE RELATIONSHIP TRULY CENTRAL AND CRUCIAL IN A LIFE IS THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE SELF.

IT IS REWARDING TO FIND SOMEONE WHOM YOU LIKE, BUT IT IS ESSENTIAL TO LIKE YOURSELF.

IT IS QUICKENING TO RECOGNIZE THAT SOMEONE IS A GOOD AND DECENT HUMAN BEING, BUT IT IS INDISPENSABLE TO VIEW YOURSELF AS ACCEPTABLE.

IT IS A DELIGHT TO DISCOVER PEOPLE WHO ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AND LOVE, BUT IT IS VITAL TO BELIEVE YOURSELF DESERVING OF THESE THINGS.

FOR YOU CANNOT LIVE IN SOMEONE ELSE. YOU CANNOT FIND YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE. YOU CANNOT BE GIVEN A LIFE BY SOMEONE ELSE.

OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WILL KNOW IN A LIFETIME, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR LOSE.

TO THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE THE ONLY ANSWER.

TO THE PROBLEMS OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE THE ONLY SOLUTION.

ADVICE FROM A FALURE by: JO COUDERT

1012

Over 1,000 visitors, from all over the world, in a year and a month...
and during very little of that time has this blog been "public".

Cool!

TMI

1. What was it that possessed me to have a fairly strong cup of detox tea right after dinner last night?

2. Why am i so hungry this morning?

The "perfect" child

Had a frustrating morning dealing with a parent who is also a fellow teacher - and also one of those who has a "perfect" child. What rubbish! Her child never does her work or practices, nor does this parent ever ask the child to be accountable or bother to schedule a parent teacher conference (to which she was personally invited) to find out. Busy life, don'cha know?!

Long story short, the child will be switching to an easier class - supported by the administration that doesn't seem to give a flying hoot about any educational standards or even speaking to me about the child.

Seems we now reward capable kids who don't do their work (and their negligent parents) with... less work.

Does this work for you? 'Cause it doesn't for me!

I CHOOSE

Just feeling happy, loving the sunshine and wanting to share the lyrics to one of my favourite feel-good songs, by India Arie. (yeah, i'm a little bit older, and i'd never talk to my mom about this stuff, but still...) i dig India Arie in a big way.

I Choose

Because you never know where life is gonna take you
and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.

Here am I now looking at 30 and I got so much to say.
I gotta get this off of my chest, I gotta let it go today.
I was always too concerned about what everybody would think.
But I can't live for everybody, I gotta live my life for me.(Yeah)
I pitched a fork in the road of my life and ain't nothing gonna happen unless I decide.

I done been through some painful things I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes.
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances, but by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go. I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

From this day forward I'm going to be exactly who I am.
I don't need to change the way that I live just to get a man.
I even had a talk with my mama and I told her the day I'm grown,
"from this day forward, every decision I make will be my own." And hey!

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be courageous in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be authentic in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am.
I choose.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

i chose

Radical Honesty and Openness - No Private Posts
Ok, ok, now i know you're all shocked and aghast that i'd go and do something SOOOO out of the norm for me, but hey! i just had to.
(Thanks for the push, V!)

my dance card is full. * i know what i want to give of myself, to each relationship, to myself, to my work and other areas of my life, but that necessitates knowing myself enough to know that my ability to do that well has been reached.

#1 - You frustrate me. i adore you to bits.
#2 - Ditto. You brighten every second of every miraculous day that i have with you (when i don't want to clock you one!)
L - a true partner whom i have loved for years and always will.
S - we're making time and seeking a path together. It's about time!
s - we have a path together and it rocks!
M - a wonderful man whose smile and varied arts grace my life.

Life is good.

* Updated 12/12/06

'Round in Circles

Coming down from a great weekend with a resounding PLUNK!

Weird headspace abounds.

#2 with the flu, hours of Parent Teacher conferences to talk through (and me with very little voice), #1 getting reports from school that require consequences... and me of course, being the one that has to set and enforce those consequences... one consequence *i* have to live with is hampering my hockey-watching tonight in favour of staying home with the sick and the errant one. Why do *i* have to be punished?! >:-o

(As it turned out i did go out for a bit and had an enjoyable time too.)

In many ways life got in the way of living today.

On another note, i've finally hit a curve where i feel stifled on my own blog. That's never happened before. Might actually have to learn how to make posts private. On the other hand, if i just let 'em fly then i am being completely honest. And you all KNOW how i love to be completely honest! On the third hand... (who do i think i am.. Tevye?!) as L has taught me recently, there is such a thing as being too honest. Guess i'll have to decide which hand i want. Tough choice for a poly person ;)

Just all leads to more weird headspace though. Feeling like i have one foot nailed to the floor.

Red Letter

Wahoo! Today is a Red Letter Day...

The first day since the tattoo that i haven't woken up itching and ran to moisturize! :)

But seriously - it's been 5, 6 or 7 times a day that i've itched and moisturized! Aveeno rocks.

Ahhh, silliness reigns supreme, but it's all good.

sick child

Midnight with a sick child...

hours of stupid TV reminds me of long nights in the hospital.

This night is cold and lonely,

and my heart is back on the pediatric wing floor

bleeding



(it's just the flu... tell my heart that)

if

If god is love, then i am living in Divinity every moment.

SLAM

From Courtney, one of the wholest women of all.

i am more open than you think

i let people in

i want them

crave them

beg them to come to my dark pool to sip

wine

dine

of these waters

in my world

you are innocent until proven guilty

innocent and free to come deeply into me

but the second i see a questionable move

SLAM

you're out

no re-entry

N's Words

Reconnected over dinner today with my dearly loved sister-wife, Nan. We talked like we hadn't missed a day. i adore her and our enduring connection. We chatted, ate, plotted to get the third sister-wife, Linda, out with us, and yakked like there was no tomorrow! :)

After everything she heard about my life in the past 8 months, her reflection was thus:
"You have always been and will always be a strong, powerful, Medicine Woman. You lead others on their own paths of reclaiming and returning to themselves by showing them a shining example."

Did i mention i adore her?!

pics

Single needle outlining... ouch.

And now she flys! i'll post another pic soon when the colors are healed and true. (You can't see the yellows or pinks here.) We had poor lighting and angles... not to mention camera phones! LoL

She is a living, flying celebration and i love her... me.

She Flys

This tattoo has been in the making for about 13 years. Originally it was just a butterfly. The 'me' that loves to be social and wants to feel pretty... Funny how life can change things.

Now:

i have reclaimed the Divine within myself; that kernel of my being that is beyond harm's reach. The 'me' that is good and strong and sacred and worthy of love. She is goddess shaped.

i grew up in a family of bickering, blame and accusation. Everything was always someone's "fault". Wonderment was squashed. My father raged and was sometimes violent. My mother is snide, mocking and disapproving unless you are serving her wishes in some fashion; then of course you are her favorite and the others (2 sisters) are... not. She is unique.

In some ways because of what my upbringing had done to the deserving and worthy Divine in me, i failed to see that in my 21 year marriage i was being emotionally abused. It was me he blamed for his depression and SAD, his inability to function. All my fault. i internalized that blame and bent everything about me to accomodate it, and him. Over many angry years now i have learned that i need to give that responsibility back to him to own. i freed myself from the tyranny of his disability. i am worthy of so much light, so much love, and so tired of being trampled and devalued. She rises, wings unfurled.

In June of 1995 i announced to him that i would take my first trip alone to fulfill a promise i had made to a student of mine. Using my funds and determination i was going to fly to AZ, rent a car alone and spend four days with the student and their family. i was leaving my children with him for the first time in their young lives and stepping out of his mold for me. It shocked and angered him that i would do something so "selfish". It was that day that i truly realized what he'd done to everything i was, who i used to be. i took that trip as a gift to myself even more than my student. Haven't looked back since. She flys.

On September 11th, 2001... my then 9 year old son was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma. Given only a 60% chance of being cancer-free and then 5 years in remission (the benchmark for "cured") this March 19th he will reach that mark. We went through hell to get here. While i realize that this is pre-emptive, i have lived in celebration of this child's health since March 19th, 2002 when they announced his remission. It was during my son's hospitalization that i met the man from whom this tattoo is a gift. In the five years since we have known each other we have each been through our own personal hell... we each have lives to celebrate and to honor, even as we honor each other through our loving connection. She celebrates. Spirals, beautiful colors and upstretched arms.

Four years ago i began a M/s lifestyle relationship with a man. It was all-encompassing. Little did i know that he would abuse every bit of power i gave. He manipulated and alienated my friends and family. In the end he seriously hurt people i love. You can do that to me, but never to those i cherish! My safeword? Coincidentally: Butterfly.

And lastly, a poem for my own strength, for the Divine 'me' that i have reclaimed... by Maya Angelou

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

And there, in one long-winded package, you have it.
my tattoo was born.

Cranberry Salsa

i have no idea what redeeming quality this has, but i made it a few years ago on a whim and my family and friends really like it so i thought i'd share this insanely simple recipe. Let me clarify: They REALLY like this stuff - like... beg for it like it has secret ingredients or something! weird.

Yes, it's made with the canned stuff and it's not good for you... since when was that the point? my guess is that it satisfies the sweet/savory/salty/crunch thing all in one bite. Wow, makes it sound like PMS food! LoL Ok, here it is:

CRANBERRY SALSA

1 16oz. can Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce
1/4 C. canned, chopped Jalapenos (or fire roasted chilis)
1 Scallion, sliced to thin circles, green & white
1 tsp. dried Cilantro
1 tsp. Ground Cumin
1 tsp. Fresh Lime Juice

Combine all ingredients in a medium mixing bowl. Cover and chill.
Serve with bite sized tortilla chips or as a condiment for poultry or pork.
Store refrigerated for up to 1 week. Makes about 2 cups.

Double amount for fresh Cilantro. Can substitute Parsley if you want.

Oh, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! :)

It's Happening

7 months of care and nurturing (which continues, don't get me wrong) and i am finally starting to spread my wings again. Damn - i KNOW this woman!

Dipped a toe in the water and guess what? i didn't shrivel up and die from the experience... well whaddya know?! Now i'm ankle deep in life and starting to LOVE who i am again. Yeah - i DO know this woman.

It takes time to learn that what was 'harm' can be turned into 'growth' for the better.

Face to Face

Well i did it.
i went on a date with someone new.
i sat across from a man i hardly knew and had a good long talk.
He didn't run out the back door upon seeing me.
He didn't cower at my life, or who i am.
i looked into his eyes and didn't shrink away
(though it took all my courage.)
Intense steel blue/grey eyes.
Clear windows with a warm smile.
Even shared a laugh or two.
No kissing on a first date.
When was the last time i said that?!

As a matter of fact, before i left to meet him, he wrote these words to me:
"I have never been seduced by what I saw.... (or didn't see).... but rather it is the confirmation of the person as real, when I hear and feel what comes from within."

i felt the same.
He's a whole and real person and i enjoyed his company very much.
Taking it a step at a time. He's not a drug to which i will allow myself to become addicted. i will not lose myself. There is no abyss this time.

This - is major progress.

Now, we'll see if he calls tomorrow! ;)

Quoting again

Tomorrow is my birthday. It seems i don't have my own words for this past year yet. In lieu of my own diatribe i share a quote i stumbled upon just yesterday that left me in my own deafening thoughts. i had to set it aside for a time when i can sit with it and move on from it. Until then, it is here for me.

"Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which i have become a woman was painful. I wept because I was a no longer a child with a child's blind faith... I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. i wept because I have lost my pain and am not yet accustomed to its absence."
- From A Journal of Love: The Unexpurgated Diary (1931 - 1932) of Anais Nin

A Glimpse Into me

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

- The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams
(my all-time favorite children's book and my all-time favorite definition of being truly Real.)

Ruach HaOlam

i just love this sentiment by a respected thinker, Barry Webber:

"And we breathe air and Spirit - ruach- divine wind that has blown through all of time before these moments and to these moments and far beyond these moments and we are in this wind and in these pines, and this moon, and for now we complete them and are them, in this time, this place because we are with them now and will be them and beyond them and they, us."

And this which compliments it by Rabbi Ohad Ezrahi:
"First you have to know that there is a spirit in the tree, and in the river, and in the sky. Then you can know that it's really all one spirit."

Learned Something New Today! :-D

20 TRAITS OF MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skilfully deceptive and very convincing. Easily diverts from accountability by making up new lies when questioned. His memory is self-serving as he denies past statements, bluffs or threats.
Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Don't reveal things he'll use against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.

2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocols are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.
Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard an agreement. Have an effective Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to be in iron-fisted control,relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer will leave them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.
Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies.

4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.
Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. He blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection. Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. Let him clean up the mess he makes.

6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST Wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters. Call 911 if necessary.

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support networks and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.

8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.
Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.

9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He will display integrity, and appear helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty or unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can.

11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerable.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact" rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.

12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate over-reaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.
Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.

13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.
Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.

14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.
Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say no to him.

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment. Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.

16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his false mask of arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend to those outside his home.
Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his pay off is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.

17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all.We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold, vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable.
Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.

18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.
Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.

19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning.
Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in ourlives.
Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Remember past abuse. Join a support group.

Enjoy life free of the Narcissist!

Oh my Goth!

People don't often use search engines to locate this blog. Someone in California did. Below is the % that this phrase has been queried on this blog using Google. So much for introspection, eh? What a great laugh for a Saturday morning!

Query:
i do it all because i'm evil this is the life i lead the devil tips his hat to me lyrics

66.6%

Tally

Not lost. Permanently Released:
The ability to believe in so much
A Port Merion pottery coffee mug
$75 custom flogger
$35 wrist restraints
A cozy chair
White shelving unit
An abusive person
$25 posture collar
More financial resources than i can count
my favourite lock & key
Some of my favourite CDs
A fantasy
The St. Andrews Cross that was supposedly a gift
Trust, as a "given" thing

Gained/Rediscovered
Self-defense skills
Boundaries
Being a good example (to #s 1 & 2)
Friends, old and new!
my SELF
Distrust and suspicion
Strength
Laughter
Experience points
Rewards from the Universe beyond measure
Self Knowledge!

FINAL Tally? Priceless.

Know me as i am now and judge for yourself... if i let you.

You can expect posts to get somewhat more introspective as i reach my own upcoming new year.

One

In honor of making it through one year of blog-journaling, pain, happiness, growth, loss, faith, insight, gratitude, friendship, love, music, poetry, courage, strength, resolve, and all that i am... i give you this. Blessed Samhain.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.

Far safer, of a midnight meeting
External ghost,
Than an interior confronting
That whiter host.

Far safer through an Abbey gallop,
The stones achase,
Than, moonless, one's own self encounter
In lonesome place.

Ourself, behind ourself concealed,
Should startle most;
Assassin, hid in our apartment,
Be horror's least.

The prudent carries a revolver,
He bolts the door,
O'erlooking a superior spectre
More near.

~ Emily Dickinson ~

not today

Most days i put on such a brave front.
Bravado even.

Today life is just overwhelming me at every turn.

i am centered, i am focused, i am safe, i am calm.

You exhale before you fire, you know?

Belated Anniv.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here.
- Alanis Morisette

There is only one person to whom this relates 100% because they've been by my side through it all... and i mean ALL. i was remiss in mentioning our 32 year anniversary in September. i'm making up for it.

To the closest friend a heart could ever have. i love you.

Still, i mourn it

i have lost the ability to trust and believe with perfect faith.

People keep proving to me that the loss was necessary.

Hindsight Confirmed

Turns out the random IMs i've had are from a woman i know of (she's in the l/s - but that isn't it!) not from the polylist she'd mentioned and not from her religious leanings. As it turns out, her primary is a very dear and long-term friend of mine and she wanted to get to know me.

Note: It's not mine to own if she feels curious at my mere existence. By being honest and open with me and by letting her know me, i can only hope that what she seeks is satisfied.

Guess she didn't know how to do this and for that i am uncomfortable and sorry for her. Guess my openness is just so deep within my skin that i cannot see NOT being honest with someone i want to know. In my own hindsight, it was a good lesson.

For me: Trust my red flags! W! is right again! LoL

It was, in part, my lesson to teach her too. Being manipulative and deceptive isn't going to be a successful tool to get you to a point of honesty or openness. It just doesn't work that way. Ya want it... Ya gotta be it!

It is my sincere hope that i have learned and taught well.

20/20?

Got an interesting IM out of the blue today...

First conversation was ok. See the end of this entry for a couple hindsights...

Just ended a second conversation with "jean" (BWB58). She wants to meet for a drink on Friday. i told her that i have plans - meeting up with a friend. Suggested Saturday. She's babysitting grandkids (?) but said she'd drop a line to my e-mail if she (they?) could make a drink date. i'm good with that - another woman friend is always welcomed, :) but "they"? hmmmm

We do seem to have a lot in common, yet are very different in our expressions and social graces. It's cool. Could be a new friend, maybe not - much too early to tell. And then there's this:

Two red flags:

*** 1st conversation she said something about being pagan, but could not name the Trad. she was following. She said wicca. Ok, scratching head now...

*** It did strike me oddly that she'd tell me she saw me on a poly list i've not been on in years and then quickly asked me if i knew MG (a lifestyle person)! Is something awry here? She didn't even mention being involved in the D/s realm. Fortunately i have a policy of not discussing other people's lives with people i don't know (and even am shy with details and opinions about people i DO know) so that served me well.

It's definitely something to watch for if this is a ruse - or - Am i being too suspect of an innocent though way out-of-context name drop?

Pathetic!

Hey, i snagged this from vaza.blogspot.com - because she's groovy and i liked her bolds. Just copy the list, bold the things you've done.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (not drink)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

To think on

Find your true weakness and surrender to it.
Therein lies the path to genius. Most people spend
their lives using their strengths to overcome or
cover up their weaknesses. Those few who use their
strengths to incorporate their weaknesses, who don't
divide themselves, those people are very rare.
In any generation there are a few and they
lead their generation.

Moshe Feldenkrais

It's a SIGN!

666 Hits. kewl

i'm reminded of song lyrics by Voltaire (pic):

And it's so easy when you're evil.
This is the life for me
The devil tips his hat to me!
i do it all because i'm evil,
And i do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay i'll ever need.

With homage to by best bud: "Bwahahahahahaha!"
And for the ever-sardonic Voltaire: www.voltaire.net

On the UP side

Things are falling into place. i'm grounded more in the "now" than i have been in months (thank you in part to LB for the black tourmaline). i am more emotionally available and balanced than i was even as recently as last week.

i've noticed that following each fairly serious emotional "crash" i take, i bottom out, find a way to get or give myself a kick in the ass, followed by a leap in personal insight and growth. Soon after, resultant happiness, comfort, confidence and balance abounds. This is that time. In fact, the times are getting longer in between crashes. Healing takes time, but it's happening. One conscious step at a time.

Today my (Th) class won an all 4th-grade-classes contest. i pushed them to achieve this victory, but they came through on their own. It's the 4th consecutive year that a class of mine has won. While that's a pat on the back to me, i am SO proud of my students!

Oh. Remind me to get the enchilada story out of my head and into this blog one day.

It's really been a great day.

Tikkun Olam

http://www.freehugs.org/

Watch.

Take a step towards repairing our world.

Consider yourself hugged,

me

The Game is ON! and updated

A very dear friend sent me this e-mail [below]. i decided to respond to her and then thought to myself... "i really never ask to hear nice things about myself". So i did it. i sent it to some people i care about and whom i'd hoped cared about me too.

Since i believe that it's a positive thing to remember the good others see within us, i'm keeping my list of responses. They're posted here after the e-mail... and i am keeping it current as they come in!

Some of them left me speechless, others made me smile, others make me feel like a food group (and i think at least one's cheating!) but every one of them is treasured and appreciated. Oh - and i was surprised at the number of people who, after they responded to me, sent it out asking for responses themselves! i'm happy to respond.

*****

The Game is On! (This should be interesting!)
Describe me in one word...just one word. Send it to me and me only.

Then send this message to your friends and see how many strange & interesting things people say about you. Just hit the reply key and send me my one word. Then forward this message on to your friends including me and see what they say about you! Game's On!

*****
Unique
Wonderous
Eclectic (2)
Fearless
Remarkable
Incandescent
Tantalizing
Mysterious
Energetic

Hottie

Interesting

Delicious

Medicinewoman

Saucy

Edible

Symphony

Complex

Exotic

True (2)

Mom #2

Hmmmmm

Mama

Warm

Amazing

Sensuous

Soulful Pep Talk

THIS is indeed where i want to be. i want to be creating my life; actively and consciously involved in every step and brick and dab of mortar.

This is more alive and certainly more "ME" than i have been in a long while. i like where i am now, in the moment. Here.

It's time to step up to my own plate. If the inner voice says no, then no it shall be. Yes is yes. Be at peace with it. The voices are never on the fence and will not steer me wrongly.

Be acutely aware of fear and pain as much as love, peace and goodness. Grab it, embrace it, understand it, let it go and see beyond it to the inner light, hear the inner voices and go further. Bring it to action...

DIVE DEEP. LISTEN. LIVE ACCORDINGLY.

Need and Blessing

It helps my mood, my feeling of worth, and my connectedness to those i love, that life "needs" me lately.

A friend who had surgery and needed my watchful eye and assistance. me watching the baby makes a mom able to attend a family funeral. me organizing an event facilitates friends coming together and having a whale of a good time. i was missed at chant circle. One woman wrote to tell me so. (smile) my ill child who calls in the middle of the day... "mommy?" The broken down car in Ohio at 1am. Watch the cats so you can attend you own child's wedding? Absolutely. Yes, i can help. i will help.

i will answer the call of friendship. i will answer the cries of my children and others i love. It is an honor that they think enough of me to call without fear of judgement or a debt to be paid back.

There are precious few that i would ever call, but recently i have called you too. And you have answered. Enough that i am blessed a million-fold.

Today, as i answer one of your calls this morning, i have a blessing with me. my dearest friends, it is you reaching out to me that is your gift to me. You show me that i am not far from your hearts. You forever show and prove your faith and trust in me. The Universe has brought your need to me and i will respond with appreciation. i will not let you down.
Today, my cup runneth over.

Game On!

"Life is a contact sport!" me

i've put myself on the "people person" sidelines for a few months now and i think that i'm finally getting ready to get back in the game of life.

This doesn't mean that i have dealt with everything i need to yet, i haven't. It does acknowledge that i know there's more to do, that it comes in waves, and that i can lead my life in an honorable and ethical way even while i take my time to continue to process with my demons.

Yes, i am still under my rock in many ways. Yes, it still has dark places. No, i am not ready to throw myself into a relationship yet. There is simply no way that i am attaching myself to anyone without a heart that is in tact and a clear head. How horrible of me if i did!

In fact, "no" seems to be my current theme song when it comes to the "fresh meat" sign over my head. Lately that flat-out no is softening to a "no thank you i'm flattered" or even a "no, i'm not ready yet", or rarely a "yes, well maybe, but not yet". It all adds up the same, but it's a huge step for me to even allow myself this crack in my well-built wall.

And then there are days like today, when my away message says: "Some days life is a joy." :)

?

Processing, processing, processing....
Waves of demon facing.
Intermittent joys when i allow myself to feel them.
Lots of holding... my temper, my tongue, my behavior, myself together

i have ~
blessings
friends
abilities
value
intelligence
community
influence
ideas
love
responsibility
commitment
loyalty
openness
power

and yet the Kali in me must still be met and dealt with...

Dark under this rock, ain't it?

What lips

Hadn't thought of it in a long while, but the rain and my mood made me think of this poem.

What lips my lips have kissed

What lips my lips have kissed,
and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply;
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands a lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet know its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone;
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Close to home

Don't know why i seem to be into poetry lately, but i stumbled on this and had to hold onto my contemplations a while.

HEART SURGEON

She's taking back her life
And only now it's starting to hurt
Every smile has to be paid for

Every touch, every word
Every molecule removed

And all her strengths must be turned against me
All her acuity and edge
Her silence and her deliberation
Honed like a knife

I see her take that knife
Heartsurgeon neurosurgeon
Without anaesthetic
She cuts her eyes out of my eyes
Her face out of my face
It's really beginning to hurt
Cuts her chest out of my chest
Memory by memory
She takes back her life.

She performs the operation perfectly.
She's practised it on herself.

And when I look in the mirror
All I see is the shape of her vanished face
The darkness where her eyes were
The old heart pumping failing
Gushing useless blood...
Look at it all. Here it is...
Out through those arteries
Which no longer are attached.

She doesn't leave scars. She doesn't leave fingerprints
She doesn't leave anything.
She's a good surgeon, the best.

She's practised on herself.

Peter Jukes 1998
www.compas.demon.co.uk/

5767

New year's poem

I'm cleaning the cupboard
beside the stove, low to the floor,
where pots and pans hide
haphazardly.

Our kitchen is well-used,
baker’s rack gleaming
with neat jars of peaches,
string beans, preserves

but one swipe of paper towel
across this hidden surface
and I flinch at the grime
I never noticed before.

This is teshuvah: opening
every closed-up space. I'm
a window smeared with dust,
a cabinet in need of scouring.

It's simple work, but
part of me resists, preferring
distraction to clarity.
When I make the leap

I suddenly can't believe
I ever ignored the dirt.
Hot water blesses my hands
into action. God, help me

put my house in order,
begin the year in readiness
for the wonders I know
are coming, are always here.

Rachel Barenblat

whispers

Lover whispers to my ear
"Better to be a prey than a hunter.
Make yourself My fool.
Stop trying to be the sun and become a speck!
Dwell at My door and be homeless.
Don't pretend to be a candle, be a moth,
so you may taste the savor of Life
and know the power hidden in serving."
~Rumi

i just thought this was beautiful.

wow, LoL

Apparently, the mysteries of the world will be revealed to me at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon.

Can't wait!

Wondering?

For those of you who were... Yes, i lived through lunch with my mother. Did she pry? Sure. Like any young child, was distraction 99% of the battle? You betcha!

i'm getting half way decent at the tactics needed to survive short bouts of time around her. So here's a wry... woot. i also had to zip off to teach that day so that was a bonus.

Teaching this year is going to be a double-edged sword. On the one side i have 2 fantastic classes of kids who have senses of humor and seem to be "with me" thusfar. i've totally changed my teaching strategy so they're part of a grand experiment. Shhh, don't tell them. On the other side is the realization that A) our new Director is going to take a lot of getting used to. and B) teachers are (i am) being directed to teach the same curriculum with two fewer class days and a loss of pay for weekly meetings... ergo, less money in the end (even though we each got a pittance of a raise).

And still... the committment of the teachers, myself included, to providing a quality education to our students is unwavering. Maybe it'll all work out in the end? Time, as always, will tell.

Oh, and this is blog entry 100! Ta-Da!
Never thought i'd get here. Yay me!

Reflections

my shut-in day is over and today hits like cold water in the face. Before it rolls me over headlong i wanted to put some thoughts here about yesterday.

It isn't only a day of remembering. It's a day that changed so much. It bonded me and #2. It strained #1 in a way that she and i will be trying to understand for a long while. Chemotherapy brought all the underlying minor learning issues with #2 into abundant fruition and focus and changed his academic structure permanently. Socially and academically, it made Middle School a nightmare for him. Every time he coughs my heart stops in fear. It's worse if he's ever not hungry or if he's very tired. i rub his shoulders because i love him, but also just to feel the lymph glands on the left side. i can't help but see the little scar the catheter left in the center of his chest. i've lived through his post illness depression, though it nearly did me in. i mourn losing the days when i didn't know about neutropenic fevers, doxirubicin and so many other chemo drugs, painful neupogen injections, mouth sores, 60% chances and so much more. i know that his remission is stable and still that 40% haunts me every day. i wonder if he'll be able to have children for the sake of a decision that *i* in part made. Will he think i made the right choice for him? Will he blame me? i hug him a lot.

To those of you with whom i spoke, please understand my silence and tears on the phone. i shouldn't even have answered. When i am in the headspace of that day, every gesture of caring and support is met with overwhelming emotion.

To V who saw me yesterday... pony tail and all. Thanks for not mentioning how awful i looked!

Ok, lunch with Mommy Dearest lies ahead, followed by teaching.
ONWARD!

Hell Day - p.m.

2 p.m. Our appointment time for the discovery/diagnosis meeting with the pedatric oncologist. #2 is at home with family. #1 is at school.
#2's father (T) and i are called in and are shown a seat in a meeting room. Soon we're joined by Dr. J, a nurse and social worker. Everyone is introduced and files are opened. i'm wide-eyed at the formality.

Cutting to the chase, Dr. J tells us that we have a sick little boy. He has Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Nodular Sclerosis. Neither T nor i really know what that means, although i've done some reading. Nothing can prepare you for those words to come out of a Drs' mouth when discussing your child. "It's a type of cancer of the blood" he adds. Dr. J stopped talking and looked through the papers in the file in front of him again... T and i sat, numb.

It seems that the results from the morning's nuclear med test isn't in yet and must be retreived via phone to get a full diagnosis (i.e. to 'stage' the lymphoma's growth). Dr. J places the call still sitting across the polished table from us. In the course of the phone call we learn that it is Stage 2 (not so horrible in the scheme of things). "Oh, no", says the oncologist, "Past the diaphragm? Yes, Stage 3." (not so good). "Ohhh", he says again, "Past the pelvis, I see", he says... "Stage 4" (the worst, furthest progressed you can have). And there we had our staging. Stage 4. Shit.

During this the nurse kept trying to give us an average prognosis (i think this was supposed to help us feel - better?)... well, at stage 2 was an 80% chance of being cancer-free in 5 years. Stage 3 was 70%. Stage 4? 60%. We didn't feel better.

Dr. J was off the phone and going back to his papers. He had a notebook with him that outlined the different protocols for this type of cancer and he proceeded to tell us his recommended protocol for our son. It was so incredibly hard to focus on the fact that we're making choices for and discussing my baby and his life. In that moment all of our lives seemed to hang in the balance.

The rest of the meeting was spent discussing every step of the protocol and each chemo concoction to be used. The nurse gave us some general ideas of what to expect, like when he'd lose his hair, how long appointments might take, how to pack for the hospital... The social worker talked at us about some practical things. School was a big issue. Financial issues, #1, support, organizations that could help, phone numbers galore, what entrances to use in the hospital to get to pediatrics quickly...

Hospital, right. When? No time to waste. Today. This very afternoon. Decisions made, papers signed, books given to us to track every moment of our lives for as long as we needed to, and we were off to the house to tell our son and family everything we'd just learned. That was a blur.

i never allowed that moment to envelop me. i cried, yes, but there were things to be done and a fight to be fought and a child - my child's very life was the prize that we would win... if we won. i packed his favorite things and we were off to the battlefield.

Hell Day - a.m.

Today is the 5th anniversary of #2 being diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was 9 years old. i allow myself this one day every year to stop everything i can and be 'in the moment' with my memories and emotions. Welcome to my day...

8:30-10:30 am: i am sitting in Nuclear Medicine at the hospital holding #2's hand while he lays very still. This is our second time here so we know the routine. The scans are done 48 & 72 hrs after the nuclear agent is injected (through the broviac catheter that was placed in his vena cava, during the same surgery they took his right clavicular lymph gland for analysis three days before.) A huge machine moves silently around him. i'm talking to #2 (endless prattle really, he's not supposed to move) and simultaneously watching a screen light up with glowing spots i can't interpret in roughly the shape of my child, while John the nuclear med tech has his computer on for news of the towers.

i'm in a different world from John, but both of us are in our own state of shock. i don't understand his. Never will.

10:30 comes and we're done. Securely wrapping the catheter to his chest, i take him back home. School isn't an option until we know what's wrong. It makes #2 angry and he misses his friends. my family has rallied around us but my friends don't know yet. He wants his peers and the normalcy he knew a few days ago. Can i ever sympathize.

Didn't know that! #2

New glasses day and i'm not so excited. i mean, RR thought they were cool, but he never saw the other ones!

It's pouring down rain and i dash into the store thinking "it's good weather to be disappointed". Damn, i sound like Eeyore... so i stop. i enter my name on the list and wait. The same smiling ms.eyeglass-person calls my name and i walk over to check out these glasses with which i will be stuck for the next 18 months. *sigh*

She has to look in three places but finally comes out with a little plastic tray that for the moment seems to hold my fate. Happily and with care she extracts them and unfolds the temples to place them on my face. Voila! i look in a nearby mirror - kinda hard not to, the place is lined with them like a bachelor apartment! "Hey, they're kinda cute!" Was that ME that said that? Yeah. i didn't know they'd do that.

i then commit the sin of all sins and slide the glasses into place on top of my head. ms. eyeglass-person cringes in several shades of green with a deep sucking HISS. i am simply nonplussed, it's what i do, so get over it. "Hey! They fit here too!" i never thought they'd do that. i figured they'd slide and not stay in place at all. Nope!

Being plastic frames they also do not have nose pads and therefore DO NOT PULL MY HAIR!!! i'd forgotten the sacrifice i'd made to have the other nifty frames, namely - the hair on top of my head! The old ones were wire and the nose pad hinges pulled my hair - sometimes OUT - every time i put them on or off my head. i remembered how much i disliked that! i also thought of how easily the wire frames bent out of shape. These wouldn't do that.

Well yay.

i chose a case, black of course, and a nifty new cleaning cloth with a coffee design on it, and i was set to pay for my replacement lenses. In the end i paid only for the $4 cleaning cloth. The rest was under warranty. Ok, this was magick afoote.

i walked to the back and thanked RR for doing a wonderful job on my new reading glasses. In his humble fashion he replied, "I've been doing this for 20 years. I'd better be good at it! But I'm glad you like them." We caught up on family stuff on both sides for a few minutes and then he was needed back to work and i was off for home in the pouring rain.

Rain. Great, cleansing, new-beginning stuff it is. me and my new, spiffy, funky, black and white, plasitc framed, no nosepad glasses will be just fine together. At one point... i didn't know that.

Didn't know that! #1

Yesterday i was at a dear friend's house when i clunked my head on a low ceiling and my reading glasses (which i always wear on top of my head) came apart. Not just any "apart"... POPPED.

The one lense that came out was easy to find, but the little piece of silver metal that fit between the frame and lense (i.e. the one thing that made these glasses SO COOL) was nowhere to be found. We searched!

After a wonderful visit with my friend i decided to take my forlorn reading glasses to the place they were born for repair, realizing that they'd have to order the little missing part, etc... After all, the glasses were less than 6 months old and i liked them.

i placed my broken frames and one dislocated lense in the hands of this very nice lady with a pathetic, "help?". It must've sounded plaintive because she said, "awww, i'll try." Her next words were, "How old are these?" i told her and she replied with a quizzical look. i knew then that i was in trouble. "These are old frames. Lemme pull your chart" and off she went, leaving my poor broken glasses in my hands, and me biting my lip.

Soon enough (well not really) she said she had bad news and good news. Bad news: They don't make these frames anymore so they cannot be fixed. Good news: i can pick any new frames, from a limited selection, i wanted for free. Well SHE thought it was good news! i was crestfallen. my old glasses were cool, different and a little unexpected - kinda like... me!

i shlepped to the indicated sections with her leading the way almost triumphantly. She left me to look a bit and i started in - hating everything. There simply wasn't anything that compared at all to what i'd had.

i came up with two or three that i thought were ok, thinking all the while, "they're only reading glasses. you don't have to wear them all the time" and yet knowing that they were constant fixtures on me even if just holding my hair out of my face. Drat.

She returned to be helpful. Oh glee. She did seem to have a decent idea of the shape i was trying to find, but she really liked COLOR, and if you know me... well, it wasn't going over well. i was dressed from head to toe in black - you think she'd take a hint?! Among other chatting i finally convinced her that purple and green were not something i was going to go for and we found some ok black and pearl colored ones designed by Lauren Hutton - woohoo. (enter an unenthused "rah") She left me to see if they were in stock.

For lack of anything to do i browsed the remaining unchosen lenses, mourning my cool ones, when this male voice behind me says, "i think i can have them for you by noon tomorrow". Huh? Was he talking to me? ok, turn... Holy ****! It's RR, a person i dated in HIGH SCHOOL and who used to work there but that was some years back before i took my hiatus from life. He's laughing at the expression on my face. LoL Must've been stunning. "You're here!" Enter the first... i didn't know that!

We chatted a bit leaving ms. eyeglass-person standing there wondering what's going on. Eventually we clue her in and talk a little shop. i tell him my sad story and ask him what he thinks of the frames i chose. "Let's see", and i slip them on. He makes this little "eh", obviously not impressed, and i go for the funky ones that were my other choice... "Those!" he says, and the choice was made. We chatted a few minutes more and i was gone on my way home to return today at noon.

days/nights

With the start of school for 1 & 2, life feels odd and will for a while. They get up and are gone without me in the mornings, but need me to be here when they get home as often as possible and until it's crash time for them. As a mom of two with learning differences i understand this. Their schedule meshes well with my work schedule right now, but is limiting if i want to work more, which i do, so it's a little frustrating.

i find myself staying up insanely late doing work, lesson planning, writing, etc... It puts my classes in the middle of my day on weekdays, which is great, but it makes my early mornings not the joy i'm used to them being! Thinking of getting a part time job doing floral design or something. If they can work with my teaching, business and parenting schedules it'd be fun to do something creative - and it'd get my schedule back to normal!

It's #1's Senior year. i guess i'm feeling the "last chance to be here for her every day" blues, so i'm understandably hesitant to add another layer to my life. Conflicted. On another note: i'm hosting both kids' friends here for the annual Frolic! (bonfire and bash), a tradition i started when #1 got so grounded she didn't see her friends for weeks and i felt bad. LoL Such a softie. i'm looking forward to it.

AFGM

There is much i know now. Even saying 'much', i know it is little in the scheme of things.

i know that i am more valuable than i ever thought.
i am more intelligent than those who would underestimate me.
i am worthy and deserving of happiness; and that happiness is rooted in myself, but seeks a reflector to validate it. This is a weakness for which i now know i need to provide healthy outlets (and i am).
i know that i have not acted in any way towards anyone that was undeserved or overreactive. If anything the opposite is true. i was too cautious and too slow.
i know that i DO honor truth in its most raw form above all. i have forgiven myself for thinking otherwise.
i know that i miss that wild and heady feeling that i have someone in my life worthy of spoiling with my attention and time and yes, body too.
i know that that someone will happen... when the time and the person is right, but moreso ~ when *i* am right again, and ready for it to happen. Only i can make myself ready for that time. Only i can build myself back to a point where i have a whole and trust-capable me to offer. Before that happens, forming a deep connection with anyone would be artificial, superficial, indiscriminate. i know that i am doing my best to be patient with myself. Besides, i have deep connections of loving friendships and that's what saves me some days. For now, the person i need to spoil with attention is me.

Inkblot Test Results

Your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. Your psyche is very rich.

*i've long since called myself a peacemaker. i hate conflict. i dislike disrespect and inconsideration. i do hope that i inspire people to see goodness in themselves. i see it in almost everyone in some way. i'm a terrible politician because i only see the side that operates from tolerance and respect for human rights and dignity.

Which is not to say that i an an utter pacifist. Far from it. Personally, nationally, internationally... there are appropriate times to stand up and cry foul, and to put muscle behind it.

On the other hand, there are peaceful ways to work with the Universe in creating loving change. If that can start or be helped by me, i'm glad of it.

HUZZAH!

Went to the Renaissance Festival today with #s 1 & 2, their dad, their "posse" and Lady D. :)

Bocca Musica was phenominal (both times we saw them), the Washing Well Wenches were hysterical. Manolete... well, what can you say about a man who bangs his balls on the floor for a living... it was entertaining!!

Went into a knife and sword shop and was heard to exclaim the words: "Ooooo, SHARP and POINTY!" with glee. LoL i'm jaded too... i scoffed at one woman who was supposed to be showing off her whip skills. Wow, do i know someone who could put her to shame!!! i just giggled and walked by. Still giggling. Giggling, happy and exhausted!

Spelunking

Slept in black socks. Emotions. Reactions. Superficial distance from my self. Swam in them. Drown in them.

W! "You are lost." Yeah.

i didn't see it before but it's no wonder i can't find my footing enough to let myself risk. Keeping a tight hold on my bad judgement, anger and guilt is real, but easier than doing the work i need to do now... this is the hard part. But then again - this is the real part, the necessary part of putting me back together; of making the inner me stronger, more knowledgeable, more capable of seeing patterns and avoiding the same mistakes.

The answers lie in me, so i'm headed to my cave to find them.

Weekend Reflection

Good food, good friends, good drink, great laughs, hugs, warmth, smiles, giggles!, great conversations, a little music and a serendipitous opportunity to share amazing energy with very dear friends.

SJ's both pleased with and amused by me. W! is perplexing me and making me think hard as usual. #s 1 & 2 present their own special kinds of challenges and gifts to my life, always.

AND...

..... the two VERY happy goddesses who went to see them: me & #1!

Polytheism Explained

i present to you, the gods of Wolfstone:

Ross, Duncan, Colin, Alyn, Stuie & Stevie!

Peter Pan

Sleep has eluded me lately. Even bone tired i can't seem to relinquish the day. Too much to do? Too exciting to miss? Nope. Just can't turn off my brain. Active imaginations have good sides and bad sides!

Fave line from Peter Pan? "Me no sleep! Go for DAYS without sleep!" (one of the lost boys)

Having a sip of red wine and padding off.....

Admired and Loved

In light of recent feelings and thoughts regarding the amazing people in my life, a fraction of whom i've written about here, i have found a quote that just makes me smile and feel oh so blessed...

Tell me who admires and loves you,
And i will tell you who you are.
~ Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

Today's Chew Toy

snip!
me: "You have the power to manifest the changes needed. Your self-criticism and self-judgment aren't productive, nor are they necessary. Remember that you are only restrained by the limitations of your own thought processes -- and this comes from within, not from external circumstances."
W!: you've known that for sometime
me: what i know and what i APPLY in any given moment are very different.
W!: What occupies your thoughts and how successfully can you banish fear, hesitation, and doubt into a corner?
snip!

gnaw, gnaw, gnaw

A Day

One stunning day.
One day at water's edge.
One day miles from everything.
One day of pampering.
One day of breathing.
One day of laughs.
One day of giving and receiving.
One blissful, enjoyable, marvelous day.
One gift of a day.

Thank you, LV.

Thank you!

i have an abundance of wonderful people in my life and i am thankful for every last one of them. Tonight, three very special thank yous feel appropriate.

SJ - You prove to me as often as possible that you are indeed my friend and confidante. i am honored.
W! - Back with a vengeance and never been better! You have hawk's eyes on me... i'd better watch it!
~w - i take your words and experiences deeply to heart. Please don't stop sharing them with me.

To all three of you: i appreciate every single motivating word!

Flag - Munch!

One of the many jobs i have as a good friend is to raise concerns when i sense them, and give pause for thought if it is warranted. In other words, i raise 'Red Flags' and thoughts to ponder.

L calls it "flagging and chewing".

All i can think of is a flag on a football play - the players tackling the flag... and eating it! LOL The thought cracks me up every time she says it. ....oh heavens do i need sleep.... *sigh!*

Just Do It

Courtesy of R, via courtesy of J ...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Heat trembling against my skin, as if the warmth of him breathed outward and wanted to touch me. Maybe it did.

It had been such a smart way to bring me out of Damian's memory without risking Nathaniel being dragged into it himself.

Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams (my summer "fluff"!)