Whew!

Two hours of very hard solo yardwork and i need a break!

25 square feet more garden space - Whoopee!

Cleaned out the existing back garden and extended it to run along-side of the new patio. Took out the sod and turned the underlying soil, mixing it with old leaves for nutrients. It still needs more topsoil to bring it up to grade but it's a very good start.

i'm planning on moving some shasta daisies and stopecrop (sedum) into the new space and last week i bought an Elephant Ear tuber for this area too. Actually, that should pretty much FILL it! Can't wait til i'm ready to put it all in the ground. i just hope that the neighborhood menagerie (deer, bunnies, chipmunk, squirrel, skunk, possum, raccoon, etc...) doesn't take a liking to it!

Dido

i admit it - i'm a huge Dido fan; not so much for her voice, which is sultry, sweet and expressive, but for her lyrics.
my all-time favorite Dido song is "Hunter", but this one is for this morning...

"Honestly OK"

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again.

Charge of the Goddess - Doreen Valiente

Whenever ye have need of anything,
once in the month and better it be when the moon is full,
then shall ye assemble in some secret place,
and adore the spirit of me,
who am Queen of all witches.

There shall ye assemble,
ye who are fain to learn all sorcery,
yet have not won its deepest secrets;
to these will I teach all things that are as yet unknown.

And ye shall be free from slavery;
and as a sign that ye be truly free,
you shall be naked in your rites;
and ye shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love,
all in my praise.
For mine is the ecstasy of the spirit,
and mine also is joy on earth;
for my law is love unto all beings.

Keep pure your highest ideals;
strive ever towards them,
let nothing stop you or turn you aside.
For mine is the secret door which
opens upon the Land of Youth,
and mine is the cup of the wine of life,
and the Cauldron of Cerridwen,
which is the Holy Vessel of Immortality.
I am the gracious Goddess,
who gives the gift of joy unto the heart of man.

Upon earth,
I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal;
and beyond death,
I give peace, and freedom,
and reunion with those who have gone before.

Nor do I demand sacrifice;
for behold, I am the Mother of all living,
and my love is poured out upon the Earth.

I am the beauty of the green earth,
and the white moon among the stars,
and the mystery of the waters,
and the desire of the heart of man.

Call unto thy soul, arise, and come unto me.
For I am the soul of Nature,
who gives life to the Universe.
From me all things proceed,
and unto me all things must return;
and before my face, beloved of gods and of men,
let thine innermost divine self be enfolded,
in the rapture of the infinite.

Let my worship be within the heart that rejoicest,
for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.
Therefore, let there be beauty and strength,
power and compassion, honor and humility,
mirth and reverence within you.

And thou who thinketh to seek for me,
know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not,
unless thou knoweth the mystery;
that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee,
thou wilt never find it without thee.

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning;
and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.

Charge of the God - Author Unknown

Hear the words of the dancing God,

the music of whose laughter stirs the winds,

whose voice calls the seasons:

I who am the Lord of the Hunt and the Power of the Light,

sun among the clouds and the secret of the flame

I call upon your bodies to arise and come unto me.

For I am the flesh of the earth and all its beings.

Through me all things must die and with me are reborn.

Let my worship be in the body that sings,

for behold all acts of willing sacrifice are my rituals.

Let there be desire and fear, anger and weakness,

joy and peace, awe and longing within you.

For these too are part of the mysteries found within yourself,

within me, all beginnings have endings,

and all endings have beginnings.

Quote

"There seems to be an influx of emotional change and or disharmonic energy in the lives of many in this season. My personal view is that spring is a time of rebirth, and as we all known birthing is HARD. Look at the terms used in childbirth; "labor", "transition", "push", "contraction" - all of these terms are associated with change and this is the time of change for many of us, often with change comes discomfort and sometimes even downright PAIN but know that this is pain with a purpose."

- Master Obsidian's namaste

Dido, lyrics

"Slide"

Even on a day like this when you're crawling on the floor
Reaching for the phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore.
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human.
Inside everybody's hiding something.

Staring at the same four walls, have you tried to help yourself
The rings around your eyes they don't hide, that you need to get some rest
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human.
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breathe and choose your moment.
Don't slide

Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far
Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human.
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breathe and choose your moment.
Don't slide

You brought this on yourself
and it's high time you left it there.

Lie here and rest your head
and dream of something else instead.

Don't slide

my head and my heart are messy places

i'm worried about l - her breakdown this week was frightening and stressful. i care about her, and her life and how she handles it affects s. l was told that her grades aren't good enough (all B's), that she's "not impressive" on paper and that she may be wasting her time and $. PLUS - (same day) she got called for a MONTH of Federal Grand Jury Duty! AND she works full time. Poor baby just snapped. I would have too.

Worried about s - the gastric paresis is rearing its ugly head for a bit of a recurrence. i hate feeling helpless when it comes to those i love

1 & 2 are both saying negative things about their father. On 99% of the counts they're right. Feeling caught in the middle. Busy loving them and empowering them to make positive differences in their lives.

Just found out that while i was gone T purchased a new laptop computer. Surprise.... cha-ching!

My new job situation feels out of my hands completely. The two "blows" that i took this past week had little to do with me or my teaching, yet i feel as though they're taking a toll on my standing with the company. One has cut into the small amount of hours i was scheduled to work, the other just makes me feel "less than". i know that small children have no compunction saying they liked the substitute better than me. It's not because of ME either. It's because she waltzed in there with three computers and a printer. She wins - hands down.

i really was afraid of being punished for having gone away. So many little things while I was gone built more fear in me than i wanted to recognize. Until i returned i never acknowledged how afraid i was of the repercussions of my actions.

The background... Past toxic relationship stuff: every time i went away (professional conferences, school trips, "me time" - or even had company here -) i was punished for "leaving him alone". Yes, i know now that this was my ex in my head and he's sick, but it's also my most recent memories, my gut reaction. Didn't help that i was overtired, missed my kids and the (late) flight was awful.

Good thing was that I was greeted with love and hugs all round! :)

A very dear gf and i had a day-long heart to heart talk. i realized again just how deeply i have been harmed along the way and that i have not yet healed many of those wounds.

One of those wounds: What kind of mother puts her own quest for happiness above the needs of her children? I did that. I own it fully.
No longer trusting myself and my judgment.

Searching to fulfill something that i need to find within myself. What is that something and how do i do it... and still have love in my life?

Little things like that. (wry smile)

Small steps. A day at a time. She's right (helps that she's 'been there'). Take it slow but don't stop. Solid advice.

Onward! This day has got to get itself underway.

decompartmentalized

Driving along Rockville Pike, chatting... s puts into words an interesting point about herself that i relate to strongly.

i used to "deal" with life by putting each issue in a neat box, tackling each box of my life as i could or needed to.

Somewhere along the way (about 15 years ago) i stopped doing that. i became more integrated, more whole, "self-actualized" for those of you to whom that makes sense. i am very happy with myself in the way that i have become more whole and more fully "myself". One difference that exemplifies this wholeness is that i no longer compartmentalize parts of my life more than necessary. i don't put one thing on the back burner of my mind in favor of another.

i don't mean to say that thoughts and their subsequent actions happen in inappropriate times or places, but i think about almost everything, almost all the time.

This all makes me a very full-minded person! It's no wonder i feel like i get overwhelmed easily. Too much at once, last minute changes, unexpected turns in the road are sometimes taken in stride, but yet other times bring a tidal wave of emotion - or worse: paralysis.

This morning my heart is at my aunt's funeral, with my children, my blood family, extended relatives, here on vacation, my home, with friends here and home, s's illness, with M, with T, with S, all my "shoulda-woulda-couldas" i left in MI or are here with me, my students, my work (both of them), possibilities that present themselves for my future, choices...

In other words... my DEcompartmentalised brain is currently on moderate overload mode. But i have the words to express it now! :) Guessing that's a step in the right direction.

11pm

Just got a call from my cousin in Florida...

Her grandmother - my Aunt Clara - just passed.

This was my grandfather's sister-in-law, the oldest living relative i had and last of that generation to pass.

Aunt Clara was a strong woman who found things to love about nearly everything. It feels good to know that in that way i am much like her.

i am very much loved. A dear woman just passed over. i go on vacation tomorrow. Feelings defy words right now. i'm all over the map.

The Motif: Inversion 1

There's a balance to be had between what is my responsibility and what belongs to others.

Tonight i found out that my self-preservation-distance between me and my blood family (mostly my mother - not my sisters) has caused one of my sisters to choose to shut me out of her life. Yes, i do realize that this is her choice to do this and not my responsibility. Maybe she thinks she's "punishing me"? For what? Really it hurts us both and our children.

Still, it was painful to hear (hear, mind you, not be told) in one lump sum that she'd had major surgery, bought a new car, and is planning to move out of state in a matter of months!

i think #1, who heard it all first, is in a little bit of shock over it all.

i wish my sister well. i have never once wished her ill.

i have a question of balance here though...
Why does the act of maintaining connection with the blood relatives always seem to fall squarely in MY LAP alone!? Is there ever going to be effort coming in the other direction?

smile

i have amazing friends whom i adore in my life.

HUGE SMILES! :-D