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In a past post i wrote a tirade about a 'situation' i was working my way through. Here is some of what has just now developed...

It was not communicated clearly what the existing priority was, nor was i in a position to resolve the missing information or how i felt about it.
i replaced troubled, unsatisfied reactions with painful frustration, 'walls' and hurt feelings.
Things that were thought to have been communicated never were, or were not heard for what they were thought to have been.
Feelings that were never intended to be hurt - were.
Meanings got lost in words.

On the other hand...
Some realities have become clearer and honest lines of communication are being created.
my eyes remain wide open.
The trust that was budding has been shaken, not loose, but needs reinforcement.
Pertinent from another post... i will not hang on for fear of loss.
i am without and do not need the abyss of addiction.
i will do what is right for me and the rest of my life regardless of my own hurt.
There is hurt and there is harm. i can handle, learn and grow from hurt. Do no harm.

An added "me quote" 1/1/07: i want to trust that you intend me no harm; but intent isn't the primary factor in securing the result.

Troubling

Catching up on two really troubling things that have happened.

1. A portion of our Yule ritual was spent blessing a manna bag and bidding farewell to a member of our circle who is headed to Iraq for a second tour of duty. He actually leaves this week. i respect him tremendously for his senses of duty and of humanity.
Gods' speed my friend. The circle will be doing its best to watch after your beloved family. Candles are lit for your safe return.

2. A sweet couple i know had moved out of town so that he could be closer to his daughters who live with his ex-wife. i was at their going away gathering two weeks ago and raised a toast to them... they left that night for a hotel because it was important to them to be there before Christmas. We talked about their visits and how much we all looked forward to seeing them again.
This past Thursday i found out that while she was here packing the last items in the house, he was leaving work in their new city and was involved in a truck collision and killed.
We miss you, Sir David. The whole community is reeling.

i'm feeling a need to pull everyone close and hold them. i fear for the loss of those whom i love, yet i know that i cannot live in that fear. Life happens and people are not meant to be held onto for reasons of fear.

Please, dear Universe, give me the wisdom to learn from these examples, to accept that they are happening and to carry on fearlessly; to fly and be strong and positive for those who need me.

Still Flying

Four weeks and three days since she was born. Four weeks since this pic was taken. Finally got her here!

She reminds me that every day should be a celebration.

Another late night

Waifmas is a hoot, and i was honored to have been invited.

But just what and why IS Waifmas, you ask...

Here's a glimpse: See how I'm surviving nursing school! Dodge your family gathering! Eat tasty food! Share goofiness with fun people you don't see anywhere near often enough!
Shared food is welcome, as are board/cardgames, musical instruments, and folding chairs. Other implements of public amusement are also welcome.
This isn't a Christmas thing. It's held on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because it's hard not to be depressed if you're alone on those days; the culture is rough that way. I want to give people someplace to be if they want one, and increase my odds of company.

So... Waifmas, a place for us waifs who don't celebrate with the masses.

And now it's WHAT HOUR??? and i just walked in. Falling asleep on my feet!

late night

What did i do tonight... until the wee hours of this morning?

METACOMMUNICATED!

Oh, and answered lipstick questions too.

Morning Perspective

Ah, the light of day and some sleep tempers the severe decree (ala high holy day liturgy, LoL).

i still felt everything that i had said, there were no half truths there, but i made a great day of it, got a lot done, enjoyed my kids and my friends, and thought seriously about the amount of control i had given yesterday's situation.

Today i am less angry and more disappointed; not in the resulting circumstance, but in the other person's allocation of their time and perhaps in the priority and place i have in their lives. Yes, i understand that life gets in the way of living sometimes and i'm sure i'm not the only disappointed one here... but i can only react for myself.

Today i am less resentful and more guilty. For my own selfish sake i didn't help a friend. This event didn't cause that, *i* did! It just put it in the spotlight for me. Ouch, ouch, that stings!

In the scheme of things the whole impact was inconvenience, disappointment and my own guilt. Best thing is - that i am forgiving myself and learning valuable lessons.

If you're wondering... i can't forgive them until i hear more from them. Priorities and the season being what it is, that has yet to happen.

Long-Winded Hiss

Well let's see... i was up til 2:30 this morning getting stuff done. Up again at 7am to continue getting things accomplished... trying to create time and make space for my own happiness... only to find that (as i was walking out the door) the plans i'd lain for a large portion of the day had to go by the wayside.

my morning meal consisted of: not-so-controlled helpings of anger n'disappointment stew, a side dish of selfishness, sprinkled with a dash of attitude, a hefty cup of inconvenience spiced with some deep re-thinking, and garnished with a helping of guilt for most of the above emotions (except the thinking).

my dear friend R's words echo loudly in my head, "and always remember to breathe." Enter plan B: If i slow down and take my time with what i am cramming in to the day, that might be 'ok'. Novel concept, i know. So off i went... to make a pot of coffee before running the errand i was rushing to. Of course i added a few tasks (ever-productive me) here and there and was able to make good use of a roaring, disappointing, kill-someone angry, how-dare-you-do-that-to-me kind of day. Actually, it was about at this point that i finally remembered to breathe. i know there are two sides to this situation. Time will tell what its resolution will be.

What hurt most was the fact that i had begged off helping a friend in favor of these plans. That was selfish, but i did it. Then, having my self-indulgent plans fall through had me feeling not just resentment... but a lot of guilt. Bad friend, bad.

i admit, i did keep hoping my phone would ring and at least a portion of my plan A would be restored, but hopes faded away as the day went on and i had much to do to prepare for tonight's Yule celebration... Which Rocked! In the end it was a decent and productive day. Go Me! So really this entry should be about Yule... i just had to get this frustrated anger off my chest.

end rant. (but not end thinking)

Quiz

What type of thinker are you?

The way you think about things makes you a Linguistic Architect. This means you are brilliant when it comes to language and words. You are also very good at understanding things on an abstract level. You are at your best when you put those two skills together to communicate new ideas and see how they fit into different contexts. You understand math and science on a gut level, even if the equations and science don't come as easily. You can use these skills to be a great communicator or to create a masterpiece.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of a Linguistic Architect? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you a Linguistic Architect.

Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

Ten Questions

On a list to which i belong this post came along by a friend of mine; she thought it'd be interesting to see how people responded. i agree, and thought that my little 'blog world' might find it interesting as well. my own answers are below.

I happen to like to watch Inside The Actors Studio on Bravo from time to time. At the end of each interview, the ten questions by Bernard Pivot that host James Lipton asks are: What is your favorite word? What is your least favorite word? What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]? What turns you off? What is your favorite curse word? What sound or noise do you love? What sound or noise do you hate? What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? What profession would you not like to do? If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?


What is your favorite word?
For men to say: Toast
For women to say: Peach

What is your least favorite word?
Test

What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
Honesty, Brains and Talent
*addendum: A nice ass, great smile and wicked sense of humour work too!

What turns you off?
Deceit

What is your favorite curse word?
fuck

What sound or noise do you love?
Other than my children laughing...
The contented purrrrr of a lover.

What sound or noise do you hate?
Extraneous noise - my kids love to make it!
#2 is a wanna-be drummer and we're all singers, so it's constant rapping on tables, tapping on chairs, incessant humming random or repetitive bits of music... Ahhhhhh!

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Pharmacy technologist... and i've always wanted to be a radio commercial singer!

What profession would you not like to do?
Anything shown on "Dirty Jobs"!

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Hello, old friend. Welcome home."

To SL

i know that SL finds it difficult to accept that it's ok to TAKE when you need it, but... my dear friend, today you gave me the gift of giving to you.

Today, as i accompanied you to out-patient surgery and then home for the remainder of the day... you made me feel really good about myself!

SL - You truly lift me up when you allow me into your life to help you in any way. Knowing that you feel you can rely on me, trust me in your home and to see to your needs is a huge compliment and a vote of confidence that fills my heart and validates that i can be the kind of friend i envision myself as.

Thank you, and a speedy recovery!

Like this

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE LOVED, NOT AT THE COST OF YOURSELF.

THE SINGLE RELATIONSHIP TRULY CENTRAL AND CRUCIAL IN A LIFE IS THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE SELF.

IT IS REWARDING TO FIND SOMEONE WHOM YOU LIKE, BUT IT IS ESSENTIAL TO LIKE YOURSELF.

IT IS QUICKENING TO RECOGNIZE THAT SOMEONE IS A GOOD AND DECENT HUMAN BEING, BUT IT IS INDISPENSABLE TO VIEW YOURSELF AS ACCEPTABLE.

IT IS A DELIGHT TO DISCOVER PEOPLE WHO ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AND LOVE, BUT IT IS VITAL TO BELIEVE YOURSELF DESERVING OF THESE THINGS.

FOR YOU CANNOT LIVE IN SOMEONE ELSE. YOU CANNOT FIND YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE. YOU CANNOT BE GIVEN A LIFE BY SOMEONE ELSE.

OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WILL KNOW IN A LIFETIME, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR LOSE.

TO THE QUESTION OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE THE ONLY ANSWER.

TO THE PROBLEMS OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE THE ONLY SOLUTION.

ADVICE FROM A FALURE by: JO COUDERT

1012

Over 1,000 visitors, from all over the world, in a year and a month...
and during very little of that time has this blog been "public".

Cool!

TMI

1. What was it that possessed me to have a fairly strong cup of detox tea right after dinner last night?

2. Why am i so hungry this morning?

The "perfect" child

Had a frustrating morning dealing with a parent who is also a fellow teacher - and also one of those who has a "perfect" child. What rubbish! Her child never does her work or practices, nor does this parent ever ask the child to be accountable or bother to schedule a parent teacher conference (to which she was personally invited) to find out. Busy life, don'cha know?!

Long story short, the child will be switching to an easier class - supported by the administration that doesn't seem to give a flying hoot about any educational standards or even speaking to me about the child.

Seems we now reward capable kids who don't do their work (and their negligent parents) with... less work.

Does this work for you? 'Cause it doesn't for me!

I CHOOSE

Just feeling happy, loving the sunshine and wanting to share the lyrics to one of my favourite feel-good songs, by India Arie. (yeah, i'm a little bit older, and i'd never talk to my mom about this stuff, but still...) i dig India Arie in a big way.

I Choose

Because you never know where life is gonna take you
and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.

Here am I now looking at 30 and I got so much to say.
I gotta get this off of my chest, I gotta let it go today.
I was always too concerned about what everybody would think.
But I can't live for everybody, I gotta live my life for me.(Yeah)
I pitched a fork in the road of my life and ain't nothing gonna happen unless I decide.

I done been through some painful things I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes.
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances, but by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go. I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

From this day forward I'm going to be exactly who I am.
I don't need to change the way that I live just to get a man.
I even had a talk with my mama and I told her the day I'm grown,
"from this day forward, every decision I make will be my own." And hey!

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be courageous in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be authentic in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am.
I choose.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

i chose

Radical Honesty and Openness - No Private Posts
Ok, ok, now i know you're all shocked and aghast that i'd go and do something SOOOO out of the norm for me, but hey! i just had to.
(Thanks for the push, V!)

my dance card is full. * i know what i want to give of myself, to each relationship, to myself, to my work and other areas of my life, but that necessitates knowing myself enough to know that my ability to do that well has been reached.

#1 - You frustrate me. i adore you to bits.
#2 - Ditto. You brighten every second of every miraculous day that i have with you (when i don't want to clock you one!)
L - a true partner whom i have loved for years and always will.
S - we're making time and seeking a path together. It's about time!
s - we have a path together and it rocks!
M - a wonderful man whose smile and varied arts grace my life.

Life is good.

* Updated 12/12/06

'Round in Circles

Coming down from a great weekend with a resounding PLUNK!

Weird headspace abounds.

#2 with the flu, hours of Parent Teacher conferences to talk through (and me with very little voice), #1 getting reports from school that require consequences... and me of course, being the one that has to set and enforce those consequences... one consequence *i* have to live with is hampering my hockey-watching tonight in favour of staying home with the sick and the errant one. Why do *i* have to be punished?! >:-o

(As it turned out i did go out for a bit and had an enjoyable time too.)

In many ways life got in the way of living today.

On another note, i've finally hit a curve where i feel stifled on my own blog. That's never happened before. Might actually have to learn how to make posts private. On the other hand, if i just let 'em fly then i am being completely honest. And you all KNOW how i love to be completely honest! On the third hand... (who do i think i am.. Tevye?!) as L has taught me recently, there is such a thing as being too honest. Guess i'll have to decide which hand i want. Tough choice for a poly person ;)

Just all leads to more weird headspace though. Feeling like i have one foot nailed to the floor.

Red Letter

Wahoo! Today is a Red Letter Day...

The first day since the tattoo that i haven't woken up itching and ran to moisturize! :)

But seriously - it's been 5, 6 or 7 times a day that i've itched and moisturized! Aveeno rocks.

Ahhh, silliness reigns supreme, but it's all good.

sick child

Midnight with a sick child...

hours of stupid TV reminds me of long nights in the hospital.

This night is cold and lonely,

and my heart is back on the pediatric wing floor

bleeding



(it's just the flu... tell my heart that)

if

If god is love, then i am living in Divinity every moment.