two random thoughts

What do *I* want, long term, for myself? What makes ME happy?

This is something to which I know the answer, i have for months now (as idyllic, selfish and out of reach as it sounds) other than the general "good health, wealth and world peace", i want two things: 1) my children to be safe, healthy and happy and 2) i want the love and respect i have with/for M. I want it in my life now and always. Who am i kidding? This is my writing... i want 'us' to be my life.

Of course, i'm a practical person... if that cannot be the case then i want to know. asap.
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Comparing blog posts of October 5 to 12/16 and wondering if I am meeting my deepest needs in this relationship with M. In what ways do *I* come first? Do i need to be first - and in what areas do i want (or need) to feel that?

Being in love with M utterly muddies the answer. I don't want to experience the loss, hurt and other emotional stress that leaving this beautiful love we have together would create. What a huge void that would be in my life,

yet... isn't it a huge void to know that I may never have what I truly want in my life?

Yeah. It's like that.

Today's Chant

Trees stand guard
All is well
Moon shines full
All is well

Earth hums under my feet
All is well
All is well
All is well.

Secondary

i'm not even sure what i want to write here tonight.

It's been a long weekend and i've only felt i was a peripheral part of it, like a spirit on the wind. i am reminded of "The Queen of Air and Darkness" the title of a character in a Laurell K Hamilton book. She hears her name and the context in which it is used, even in whispers, from anywhere, but is not physically there. Sort of surreal. Now that i am she as it were, mostly it feels disconnected.

M is evidently sharing much more about him and me with his primary (C) than ever. i understand his need in this and have encouraged it all along. What i didn't anticipate was how much i had accepted my 'place' as private and separate. How comfortable the box had become. Now suddenly i am observing as notes and other details are revealed. Not wrecklessly mind you, just moreso, but still it is a change.

All at once i have trust, anxiety and a great need for patience. Trust that M is choosing the best path for all of us. Anxiety that i have no control over his choices (as i have never had) and how they are perceived by C - and me. And i am working on having the patience to see how it is resolved over time without trying to control or run from it.

What i'm trying to limit is the very thing i am inclined to do... set boundaries. i have worked so hard to create trust in M that though it is my knee-jerk reaction for myself [setting boundaries], it is also counter-productive to allowing this to take a natural course. River. Rock. Flow.

What i have to remember is that i am the only one i have control over. i can choose how i react and what i do, what energy i send out and what energy i allow in, etc. In many ways, though this is what M needs, i need to care for myself and my needs as well.

And here again are my recurring themes: choice and balance.

let it snow!

Well it started snowing here yesterday (SE MI) around 4pm...
by 7pm we had about 3"
by 10pm we had about 5"
by 11:30pm it was 6-7"

At 7 this morning we have 8-9" on the ground (easily) with more falling straight through mid-afternoon for a total of 11-12"and winds predicted to gust to 35mph later causing snow drifts of 2 feet or more.

T's car is in the ditch across the street. He was on his way out to sing at church this morning when he got the call that musicians were cancelled. The snow and underlying layer of ice made it impossible to get back up the drive or maneuver to the side of the road and he slid off the road. Soon I will be off to help shovel the driveway (1/2 acre long) and wait for AAA. Joy of joys.

Let's see... #2 is gift wrapping at the Borders in the mall (10 miles away) as a fundraiser for his school choir at noon today. I'm picking up #1's bf at 3 and we're going to a concert on the opposite end of town in which T is singing at 4 this afternoon ('call' at 2) and I'm thinkin'... NOT!

Shovelling here is a family affair. Me and the kids anyway.
At least until a miracle happens and T finds it in his heart to hire a plowing company! (shhhh! I'd rather have a plowing contract than a COACH bag, but don't tell my gfs that!)

I psych myself up to shovel with affirmations:
"Shovelling gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction"
"Great! An opportunity for a spontaneous workout!"
"Looking back on the clear drive, salted and dark against the piles of white lining either side... what a sense of accomplishment!"

*POP*

Then of course I pour myself a Glenlivet. Double. Rocks.

For now I've got my robe and fuzzy slippers on and I'm pouring a second cup of coffee! Stay warm ya'll!

Tommie's words

From Tommie, one of my AF "list kids". He may not be MY kid, but i feel like i know him well. From his myspace page to the picture album of the wedding.

Bear in mind, this young man has just gotten married and seen his wife only 18 days from their wedding date when he was sent to Yakima, Washington to train for deployment to Iraq for 6 months, for which he leaves the end of this month.

"To make a long story short, I'm a smartass with high morals. My wife is everything to me, followed up by a sense of humour. I'm also very proud of my job. I know that being a member of the armed services is a thankless job, and I get a lot of shit for it. However without people like me, you wouldn't have the freedom to publicly express your opinion. When I'm not working or spending time with my wife, I can probably be found in a good book or a cold beer. It used to be both, but I got tired of spilling beer on my books."

Thanks, Tommie! i'm proud of your job and the person you are.
You have an awesome mom too. ;)

A fraction of an update

So the birthday has passed and was pretty good as those things go.

s thought she'd be able to visit but the gods had other plans. i'm doing my best to roll with it and so is she... commendably in fact. V came over and treated me to coffee and a Starbucks gift card. Does she know me or what?! #1 got me the coolest sweater jacket (complete with cat toys), and M treated me to some major league relaxing. The next day T gave me tix to see The Lion King. Yay musicals! And my sisters sent a really cool sweater (sent from K in MD).

i'm working again - almost more than i had bargained for and it's good. Working retail but having fun and working alongside some cool people. Of course had i known my back and tootsies were going to be this sore i'd've reconsidered... but not much. i needed work and i have work. In MI's economy it's a miraculous blessing. The remainder of the lesson here is that i need to take care of myself in order to make this work out. All in all not a bad thing to learn.

Regarding #1's enlistment and impending departure: i am finding that the strangest things ambush* my heart. Like Thursday night at chant group when we were singing "Everything will be all right". i had to drop out for a few measures and just be comforted by the words until i could sing them again. Half way home from chant group when i looked over and found her fast asleep next to me in the oddest position, mouth open, crooked in a pretzel... my heartstrings couldn't find it in them to laugh. i know how much i will miss those moments.

Musically though, Christmas music is a big culprit on the ambush scale. The Crosby/Bowie duet "Silent Night/Peace on Earth" has already snuck up on me once or twice. And i dread hearing that sappy "Soldier's Silent Night" on the radio this year. Normally it gets to me. This year, when i know so many parents whose children are "boots in the sand", it'll be a total wipe out. And i don't even like the song!!!

Also on the sniff-meter is #2's decision to forego Winter Camp in favor of being around during #1's last weekend home. In his words: "Let's see mom... Going to camp to see people i will see in a few months at Summer Camp, or being with my sister for the last decent time for the next 4 years?! I think my sister wins." Oh, major proud mom sniff. i of course was calm (bonus point) and said, "ok cool". Inside i was doing the mom version of the touchdown dance!!! :)

Life may continue to change, but if this is any measure, i am proud of the choices i have made when it comes to my kids. They're good people.

So that's the skinny (chortle) on just a couple of fronts from here. More... when there's more!

*Oh, and thanks to Deb for the "ambush" term. It's perfect.