two random thoughts

What do *I* want, long term, for myself? What makes ME happy?

This is something to which I know the answer, i have for months now (as idyllic, selfish and out of reach as it sounds) other than the general "good health, wealth and world peace", i want two things: 1) my children to be safe, healthy and happy and 2) i want the love and respect i have with/for M. I want it in my life now and always. Who am i kidding? This is my writing... i want 'us' to be my life.

Of course, i'm a practical person... if that cannot be the case then i want to know. asap.
---------------

Comparing blog posts of October 5 to 12/16 and wondering if I am meeting my deepest needs in this relationship with M. In what ways do *I* come first? Do i need to be first - and in what areas do i want (or need) to feel that?

Being in love with M utterly muddies the answer. I don't want to experience the loss, hurt and other emotional stress that leaving this beautiful love we have together would create. What a huge void that would be in my life,

yet... isn't it a huge void to know that I may never have what I truly want in my life?

Yeah. It's like that.

Today's Chant

Trees stand guard
All is well
Moon shines full
All is well

Earth hums under my feet
All is well
All is well
All is well.

Secondary

i'm not even sure what i want to write here tonight.

It's been a long weekend and i've only felt i was a peripheral part of it, like a spirit on the wind. i am reminded of "The Queen of Air and Darkness" the title of a character in a Laurell K Hamilton book. She hears her name and the context in which it is used, even in whispers, from anywhere, but is not physically there. Sort of surreal. Now that i am she as it were, mostly it feels disconnected.

M is evidently sharing much more about him and me with his primary (C) than ever. i understand his need in this and have encouraged it all along. What i didn't anticipate was how much i had accepted my 'place' as private and separate. How comfortable the box had become. Now suddenly i am observing as notes and other details are revealed. Not wrecklessly mind you, just moreso, but still it is a change.

All at once i have trust, anxiety and a great need for patience. Trust that M is choosing the best path for all of us. Anxiety that i have no control over his choices (as i have never had) and how they are perceived by C - and me. And i am working on having the patience to see how it is resolved over time without trying to control or run from it.

What i'm trying to limit is the very thing i am inclined to do... set boundaries. i have worked so hard to create trust in M that though it is my knee-jerk reaction for myself [setting boundaries], it is also counter-productive to allowing this to take a natural course. River. Rock. Flow.

What i have to remember is that i am the only one i have control over. i can choose how i react and what i do, what energy i send out and what energy i allow in, etc. In many ways, though this is what M needs, i need to care for myself and my needs as well.

And here again are my recurring themes: choice and balance.

let it snow!

Well it started snowing here yesterday (SE MI) around 4pm...
by 7pm we had about 3"
by 10pm we had about 5"
by 11:30pm it was 6-7"

At 7 this morning we have 8-9" on the ground (easily) with more falling straight through mid-afternoon for a total of 11-12"and winds predicted to gust to 35mph later causing snow drifts of 2 feet or more.

T's car is in the ditch across the street. He was on his way out to sing at church this morning when he got the call that musicians were cancelled. The snow and underlying layer of ice made it impossible to get back up the drive or maneuver to the side of the road and he slid off the road. Soon I will be off to help shovel the driveway (1/2 acre long) and wait for AAA. Joy of joys.

Let's see... #2 is gift wrapping at the Borders in the mall (10 miles away) as a fundraiser for his school choir at noon today. I'm picking up #1's bf at 3 and we're going to a concert on the opposite end of town in which T is singing at 4 this afternoon ('call' at 2) and I'm thinkin'... NOT!

Shovelling here is a family affair. Me and the kids anyway.
At least until a miracle happens and T finds it in his heart to hire a plowing company! (shhhh! I'd rather have a plowing contract than a COACH bag, but don't tell my gfs that!)

I psych myself up to shovel with affirmations:
"Shovelling gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction"
"Great! An opportunity for a spontaneous workout!"
"Looking back on the clear drive, salted and dark against the piles of white lining either side... what a sense of accomplishment!"

*POP*

Then of course I pour myself a Glenlivet. Double. Rocks.

For now I've got my robe and fuzzy slippers on and I'm pouring a second cup of coffee! Stay warm ya'll!

Tommie's words

From Tommie, one of my AF "list kids". He may not be MY kid, but i feel like i know him well. From his myspace page to the picture album of the wedding.

Bear in mind, this young man has just gotten married and seen his wife only 18 days from their wedding date when he was sent to Yakima, Washington to train for deployment to Iraq for 6 months, for which he leaves the end of this month.

"To make a long story short, I'm a smartass with high morals. My wife is everything to me, followed up by a sense of humour. I'm also very proud of my job. I know that being a member of the armed services is a thankless job, and I get a lot of shit for it. However without people like me, you wouldn't have the freedom to publicly express your opinion. When I'm not working or spending time with my wife, I can probably be found in a good book or a cold beer. It used to be both, but I got tired of spilling beer on my books."

Thanks, Tommie! i'm proud of your job and the person you are.
You have an awesome mom too. ;)

A fraction of an update

So the birthday has passed and was pretty good as those things go.

s thought she'd be able to visit but the gods had other plans. i'm doing my best to roll with it and so is she... commendably in fact. V came over and treated me to coffee and a Starbucks gift card. Does she know me or what?! #1 got me the coolest sweater jacket (complete with cat toys), and M treated me to some major league relaxing. The next day T gave me tix to see The Lion King. Yay musicals! And my sisters sent a really cool sweater (sent from K in MD).

i'm working again - almost more than i had bargained for and it's good. Working retail but having fun and working alongside some cool people. Of course had i known my back and tootsies were going to be this sore i'd've reconsidered... but not much. i needed work and i have work. In MI's economy it's a miraculous blessing. The remainder of the lesson here is that i need to take care of myself in order to make this work out. All in all not a bad thing to learn.

Regarding #1's enlistment and impending departure: i am finding that the strangest things ambush* my heart. Like Thursday night at chant group when we were singing "Everything will be all right". i had to drop out for a few measures and just be comforted by the words until i could sing them again. Half way home from chant group when i looked over and found her fast asleep next to me in the oddest position, mouth open, crooked in a pretzel... my heartstrings couldn't find it in them to laugh. i know how much i will miss those moments.

Musically though, Christmas music is a big culprit on the ambush scale. The Crosby/Bowie duet "Silent Night/Peace on Earth" has already snuck up on me once or twice. And i dread hearing that sappy "Soldier's Silent Night" on the radio this year. Normally it gets to me. This year, when i know so many parents whose children are "boots in the sand", it'll be a total wipe out. And i don't even like the song!!!

Also on the sniff-meter is #2's decision to forego Winter Camp in favor of being around during #1's last weekend home. In his words: "Let's see mom... Going to camp to see people i will see in a few months at Summer Camp, or being with my sister for the last decent time for the next 4 years?! I think my sister wins." Oh, major proud mom sniff. i of course was calm (bonus point) and said, "ok cool". Inside i was doing the mom version of the touchdown dance!!! :)

Life may continue to change, but if this is any measure, i am proud of the choices i have made when it comes to my kids. They're good people.

So that's the skinny (chortle) on just a couple of fronts from here. More... when there's more!

*Oh, and thanks to Deb for the "ambush" term. It's perfect.

?

Today i'm not really sure whether to be tremendously flattered or horribly patronized.

And i'm really wondering if "it IS the thought that counts". i mean... is it really? Because if the thought of giving a gift mattered most, who would care what the content was, yes?

Well no! The content of a gift should show thought of the recipient (in this case ME); who i am, what i like and dislike, what you know of me and my relationship to you.

If it is the thought that counts then it is also the effort in choosing the right words, the right item, the right anything that would be loved (by me). Yes, HERE's where it is the thought that counts.
Thoughtfulness. Effort. Maybe even sacrifice. The desire to send a message of connectedness and understanding of the gift's recipient. A sharing that you KNOW the person to whom this gift is given and why.

It IS the thought that counts.

Just trust me on this one.

Shirtless Fridays

Is a symbolic gesture that our deployed soldiers won't see really doing anything to have an impact on them feeling "supported"?

The Red Shirt Fridays campaign was targeted to support deployed troops. Most shirts read: "Red Shirt Fridays: Until they all come home"

It's an extension of my loathing for those little magnetic rainbows of ribbons (for every cause under the sun) you can stick 10" from your exhaust pipe... it doesn't translate to our soldiers. Sadly, they don't see the back ends of our cars any more than they see what color shirt I'm wearing today.

The Canadians got it right when they had a literal sea of people in red (which is a Nationalistic colour for them) during a political speech - which was televised/taped. They sent a strong message to their government, and their troops got to SEE it. That had impact.

I'm thrilled to see military support in many flavours... and so would our deployed troops... if they could see it.

So the question for me becomes: How do we get them to see/feel/know that they're supported and appreciated?

Paying $20 for a t-shirt is kind of like those $2 yellow rubber bracelets that were all the craze for Lance Armstrong's LIVESTRONG foundation and caught on as a meaningless middle school fashion statement. Originally there was some small percentage of funds from the sale of braceletes/magnetic ribbons going to their respective cause. Right now the majority of people who benefit from from the magnetic ribbons are those people who make and market magnetic ribbons - and most of them are now "Made in China"! It's become a business like any other.

If the intent of Red Shirt Fridays is to support EACH OTHER as military parents here in the States then that's great and I'm all for it!! If the intent is to get Americans on a bandwagon to make a political statment, then how and where do you get enough Americans together to show their "Indivisibility" to have impact? Great thought, but how?

We're years (almost 6 *shudder*) into the war in Iraq and Red Shirt Fridays haven't caught on as a 'statement' yet. Could it be that people don't want to appear to support the WAR (I know I don't) and don't know how to support SOLDIERS? i think that's a valid hurdle in looking at functional "shows of support" for our troops.

Unless "Red Shirt Fridays" catch on en masse and we all send pictures, or as the Canadians did, wear them to a particularly high-profile, televised political event, it seems a 'feel good' measure that our kids/soldiers won't see or feel - esp. those who are deployed.

DO something in support of our troops.

Yes, I agree. Let's all DO something that's more than 'invisibly symbolic'.

For starters... Let's Vote.

Til then I'm all for shirtless Fridays. At least it'll make the news!

The War On Halloween

The War on Halloween
October 11th, 2007
AH! It's that time of year again. The leaves are turning,the pumpkins are blushing orange, and the War on Samhain begins. Let's begin this year's festive 3 month long Season of Religious Bickering (running approx. October 1st throughDecember 26th) with a letter.
************************
Dear America,
As a fellow American dedicated to the worship of my beloved gods, I am personally outraged at the lack of respect given to Halloween, the most sacred day of my religious calendar.
I am sickened by the continued commercialism assigned to this most holy of days, and I can only imagine that the spirits of my Beloved Ancestors feel the same. I am worried about the escalation of this War on Samhain, and I beg you to remember the Reason for the Season, which is the veneration of our Beloved Dead. It is a disgrace to our heritage and an insult to the multiple, splendid and eternal gods of this Land to ignore and/or cheapen this most noble of holidays with bland "Harvest" festivals (ironically possibly more Pagan than commercial Halloween…)or cheap candy.
Every public space should feel free, if not obligated, to display an enormous carved turnip at every turn (boldly and proudly referred to as a Samhain Turnip) and altars to loved ones should festoon the halls of our governmental buildings.
Sincerely,
Sara "Not Afraid to Say Happy Halloween" Sutterfield Winn Gospel Pagan
------------------------
*This is (mostly) satire. Satire loses something if one has to tell people that it's satire ... but I am not in the mood to delete 40 comments from outraged people who think I'm serious about the governmental buildings comment, etc. Comments from outraged people who recognize that it's satire but hate satire are okay.
**Also - the word "festoon" is awesome.

Sara blogs at: http://gospelpagan.wordpress.com/

A Smack of Reality

Coming home -- or maybe not
By Franke Gracia
Special to the Star-Telegram 10-13-07

Now that I'm back from my overseas deployment, and now that my deliriously happy honeymoon of having survived is over, I find my native country troublingly different. Although I am positive that my experience overseas did not make me a better man, or a wiser man, I am certain it has made me a different man -- very different.

Something as simple as sitting down and watching sports on television is different. I see a professional athlete score a touchdown or cross home plate and point skyward, as if God has a personal interest in the outcome, and I involuntarily recoil a little.

I can't help but think back on how, when my missions in Afghanistan were over, it would have been appropriate to dismount our vehicles and point skyward -- but we never did. We were usually too exhausted.
I hear athletes talk about going into "hostile territory" or how "it was a war out there," and I try hard not to smirk, but I always do. It would be nice if pro athletes would realize that they are entertainers -- not anywhere as important as say, a teacher, a policeman or a soldier.
It's tough watching the news these days as well, especially when the lead story is about the preliminary autopsy reports of a former Playboy Playmate, while the reporting of the deaths of more troops overseas comes later. I don't like that too much.

Or when I was told that the Iraqi parliament was going to go on vacation while American troops were going to go right on dying. I figured there'd be rioting in the streets, demonstrations all over the country, congressional offices flooded with calls and letters -- but no. Seems there are more important matters, like why passports are taking so long -- and don't you know I might not get to go on my vacation this year!

Stuff like that makes me take long, long walks. But it never helps.
It also confuses me when politicians and ordinary Americans get so careless with pronouns -- you know, in phrases like "We've got to stay over there and keep fighting" or "I know how hard it is for our troops."

We? I know?

Look, if you can talk to me about "going outside the wire," if you've been used as target practice by religious radicals, if you've looked at the face of your buddy and it's not recognizable because of the IED blast -- if you can discuss things like that with me, feel free to use pronouns like we and I.

Otherwise, shut up - or be more accurate.

Things like that have alienated me from so much of society, made me feel like a tourist in my own country. America is not at war. Only a few are doing the heavy lifting, the sweating, the bleeding, the dying. So many have become numb -- or what's worse, they've never cared at all.

Thousands have died. Tens of thousands have been maimed, burned, scarred for life. Hundreds of thousands have brought the war home with them, and it's not going away any time soon.

And yet countless Americans regard the war as an unpleasant annoyance, like that one credit card with the uncomfortable balance -- the one I don't want to think about, the one I wish would just go away.
But U.S. soldiers keep fighting, bleeding, dying.

Like that young soldier I helped with his citizenship papers overseas. He was so thankful. And yet today, far too many Americans would see his dark skin, his thick accent, and immediately stick a label on him. They'd hope and pray that he doesn't sit near them at a restaurant -- or, worse, at church.

Never mind that he spent a year of his life at the tip of the spear protecting the very blanket of freedom that they sleep under every night.
I try not to think of things like that, but I do. It's not pleasant -- not pleasant at all.

I love America. When I dwell on what she stands for, it never fails to choke me up. But there are plenty of Americans I just don't get. Sometimes I wish they'd all just go away.

I thought coming home was going to be easy. Boy, was I wrong. So wrong.

Franke Gracia of Mansfield served in Afghanistan from May 2005 to April 2006. He is a member of the Star-Telegram Community Columnist Panel.

The First

...person you call when good news comes your way because you know i'll revel in it with you.
...to hear when your child makes a choice you're proud of... or vice versa.
...person you call when there's tickets to an event.
...one you tell things to and rely on to be your sounding board.
...person you're honest with - and who's not afraid to tell you to be more honest with yourself (and lives).
...person you see every morning.
...adult you choose to spend time with no matter what you were doing.
...one you call when tragedy strikes.
...person to hear your 'funny story' of the moment.
...one you think to do things and sacrifice for with a glad heart.
...person you let support you on tough days.
...one with whom you choose to celebrate life.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

The First Full Moon of Autumn

Donald L. Engstrom

September 26, 2007

The first full moon of Autumn

Stirs the awakening of distant deeply sleeping snow.

The first full moon of Autumn

Shines upon the icy bed of the Snow Queen,

Calling Her to arise

From Her long Summer's slumber.

The first full moon of Autumn

Calls Brother North Wind from His coldest cave,

Calls Jack Frost from His glacial home,

Calls the Snow Ponies to begin Their long seasonal migration.

The first full moon of Autumn

Reminds all of the Greenbloods

That their very leaves,

Their summer flesh,

Their verdant dreams,

Will soon be touched and transformed

By the powers of red, orange, brown and yellow.

The first full moon of Autumn,

Reminds all who have the senses of the awake and aware,

To prepare for the coming reunion of the Living and the Dead,

To prepare for the annual Dance

That reweaves the fabric of existence,

To prepare for the shining pumpkins

That will soon fill the Halls of Halloween,

To prepare for the thinning of the veils,

The Great Opening to Opportunity.

The first full moon of Autumn

Touches my red living blood,

Reminding me

Of the long tasks of Last Harvest,

Of the cold rains of transition,

Of the first touch of frozen breath

On the cheeks the waning children of the Sun,

Of my love's warm embrace between cold sheets.

The first full moon of Autumn

Stirs the awakening of distant deeply sleeping snow.

And I am glad,

My heart filled with contentment,

I await expectantly,

Bathed in the magical light of the first full moon of Autumn.

Troop Support - Our Way

i'm making a committment, with my spiritual community, to support a Yule drive/gifts to a military family in need ... BUT

Over the past few days i have realized that i feel strongly that it be a Pagan military family and/or soldier. Sending Yule gift tags on Christmas gifts just doesn't fulfill that need for me in a way that is meaningful to my faith.

Towards that goal, i've spent several hours today researching and sending notes to military chaplains and personnel who identify as Pagan. i've targeted those who are serving overseas, specifically in the middle east. i have also gotten myself a username on an appropriate discussion board in order to facilitate contacts.

It seems there ARE Pagan military men and women and their families in need of our help. And with some work they are findable. i have already received a response from a Pagan Circle on a base in Iraq. Better yet? They DO need help. Now THAT was cool.

Stay tuned. i'll post what info i can if you'd like to help too!

*Image from Stars & Stripes newsletter article about Pagans in the military. :)

Not a Resolution

Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.
~ William Arthur Ward ~

Perfect quote for my Reclaiming community and perfect for me and the New Year.

This ideal is something to which i am commiting to revisit and work on this year. Not a resolution per se, but a guide, something for which to strive.

#1 and i went to Erev Rosh HaShanah ritual last night at my mother's congregation and was surprised that it was as positive an experience as it was.

#1 and i kept pointing out all the spots in which our traditions (Judaism and Reclaiming) blended with each other and yet developed into different perspectives that don't seem to embrace each other (other than an emerging "Green Judaism"). i found that to be a pity but understand the realities of the history, the numbers game, the face of continued assimiliation, etc... i'm just not supportive of big do-as-i-say religion.

What i really enjoyed was the sermon.

Told from the view point of a connoisseur at a State Fairground, it was all about not accepting a feel-good, watered down version of Judaism. It drew correlations using the fatty, starchy version of "food" and what SHOULD sustain and nourish our bodies vs healthy options. It also advocated against martyrdom as a base, "Join us. We survive!" (that was a hoot in a pathetic way). These are both ideas i support and have for a long time.

i want "feel-good" with depth, with ecstatic chant, with deep ritual, with joy, with learning and knowledge... with tachlis.

i don't want "watered down" in order to be accessible to the masses who play at religion, i want to choose, from a point of knowing all the options for observance, what i feel works for me. What "elevates my soul" as the leaders of Reform Judaism say.

It's funny that i can do this with a foot firmly planted in each camp. i can work well with earth energies, honouring the cycle of the seasons through the stories of the Gods and other myths. i can agree with some of what i read last night, and see history and truth there, as it applies to me. i love that both sides believe in the magickal (though Judaism is loathe to call it that) and in the power of intention to cause change. i love that i have a broad perspective that challenges me to learn more, to grow and experience and to DO more.

L'Shanah Tova my friends, and an early Blessed Mabon/Succot

The Anniversary

If you want to know anything about today for me (Hell Day) see today's date last year.

Tonight #2 will sing in a short concert at school. i'm anxious to see it though it will be difficult to hold the tears. i think it's important for me to remember and honour the fight, his fight, our fight as a family - and to end today celebrating the SUCCESS.

Somehow knowing that among other songs he'll be singing the National Anthem tonight brings today full circle. Odd how that just seems... right.

More info!

Today was a first for #1 (and therefore for me too). It was her first "DEP Call" (Deferred Enlistment Program) and she had to report to her recruiting station for information and training.

i dutifully dropped her off and went to the mall like all good moms do when trying to stay out of the way. ;) The next thing i know in comes a text message that says "I know my ship date" Which means she knows when she leaves for basic training. With a gulp i asked... "when?" "Feb 12,08" was the reply. i guess since we were thinking it would be January this should feel like no big deal. Wrong. It's exciting, worrisome and frightening all at the same time.

When it came time to pick her up she seemed as calm and proud of herself as ever! (Did i mention she has a horrible cold/allergies, cramps and a stye that hit her all at once just yesterday?! LoL poor kid) Evidently she got to salute, stand at attention and received official documents all picture perfectly! Go her! Both of her Sergeants were impressed... so was mom.

New to be framed is her Certificate of Enlistment and her official acceptance certificate to the Community College of the Air Force.

Did i mention that i'm proud of her?!

The school at which i have taught for 13 years begins this morning and i am not there. My brain woke me at 6am, mostly because i don't think i have wrapped my head around this change in my life fully yet. Not sure that i ever really will, but still.

i'm not sure i fully understand why a contract was not offered, but given the political situation (membership dues, #1's choices there and T's fall-out there) i can't say that i am surprised in the least. At least T received a letter thanking him and saying they were heading in a different direction (although from those we know there it's "ssdd"). Me? Nothing. No thank yous, no sorry but's, no communication of any sort. 13 years for nothing.

i am left with a desperate lack of direction this morning. Thankfully i have a few hours of work to do later today. Tomorrow is another day of trying to find a job that fulfills what my children need of me and for which i can have some self-respect doing... if i can get it.

The economy here is just plain bad. Back in the early 70's there was a running 'joke' that went "Would the last person out of Michigan please turn out the lights?" It's pretty near that bad now.

In the meantime i am taking comfort in being able to focus on #1 and preparing her for leaving home in January.

Wish me luck... and the return of my sanity and self respect.

Blue Ribbon Pig :(

i feel like a prize to be won, lost or fought over.

i mean really... am i such a prize that people will either win me lock stock and barrel or forsake me? Am i so good in bed that not to have that makes one incapable of sharing friendship, love, support, life?

How utterly ridiculous! How shallow!

Late last night, one who was formerly supportive of my life and happiness 'bowed out' because "there's no getting back what used to be". In other words: a physical relationship.

Before one jumps to conclusions, this is a person with whom i had a marvelous relationship! Four years ago. Since that time i have seen them only twice in the last year, they've bowed out of my life before (for three years) and they rarely make contact with me now save for a text message about once a month that says "I miss you" or "I love you".
To translate: There is no "relationship" now, per se and we haven't been physical together in years. We talk about every six weeks. We're friends. i hear their troubles and they hear mine. i hear their joys and they hear mine. Friends. A person to whom i have been able to honestly say: "i love you too".

So now this... They perceive that i am too "easily led" from polyamory to monogamy (i.e. not having sex with them) and for this reason they no longer 'fit' in my life and are bowing out.

Yep, i've been reduced to being a blue ribbon pig. There is obviously nothing more to me than an A#1 practice breeder and if i'm not good for that then i'm pork chops.

Why then is it so painful to me to see how shallow other people can be? Why do others judge my choices based solely on their needs?
How can five years of a loving friendship, that has survived the illness and death of a spouse, remarriage, grief, four teenagers and distance, be reduced to "choose to be sexual with me or i don't fit in your life"?
What the hell happened?

thoughts revisited

It occurred to me that one reason there has been and is distance between S and myself is that i do not stand up to persistent and intense (my perception) analysis well. Not well at all.

It challenges everything. It drives me crazy with frustration because i cannot explain myself... even to myself. Though i know that i have learned to look at more angles of an issue and bigger pictures, i don't have rational explanations for it all. You can only say "i dunno" so many times!

i'm not at all consistent. i am an emotional creature. i listen to my heart too much. i do the best i think i can but i don't push myself enough. i am inherently inadequate at it all.

i feel as though i am a child in so many ways, coping and compensating in a world where the grown up people are everything i'm not. i strive to be like them. Yet i am like them. i can cope, i can function, i can do a million things that show that i am loyal, strong, capable, willing and engaged... but then there's the rest of me, a wishy-washy directionless blur.

My interactions with S over the past year or so have shown so much of this side of me that it's terribly uncomfortable in my skin. It shines the light of what feels like interrogation. And i squirm - away if at all possible.

Unfortunately, this has lead me to shrink away from someone i love very much and caused us both confusion and pain. In the end i am left owning responsibility. It's mine to own.

Try To Remember

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh so mellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain so yellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a young and a callow fellow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow--follow, oh-oh-

Lyrics by Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt

Prepping for Mabon

Covenstead Bread
Recipe by Gerina Dunwich

3/4 cup water
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup finely chopped citron
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons anise seeds
2-1/3 cups flour
1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon allspice

Bring the water to a boil in a saucepan. Add honey, citron, sugar, and anise seeds. Stir until the sugar completely dissolves and then remove from heat.

Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and spices, and fold into the hot honey mixture. Turn the batter into a well-greased 9 X 5 X 3-inch loaf pan and bake in a preheated 350-degree oven for one hour. Turn out on a wire rack to cool. (This recipe yields one loaf of bread.)

Covenstead Bread improves if allowed to stand for a day, and it is an ideal bread to serve during Lammas and Autumn Equinox Sabbats as well as at all coven meetings.

(This recipe is from "The Wicca Spellbook: A Witch's Collection of Wiccan Spells, Potions and Recipes" by Gerina Dunwich)

Ok, now where do i find Citron to chop?! Oh yeah... the local Jewish gift shop!

Ready?

#1 has joined the...


And i couldn't be more proud of her.

Stay Tuned!

The celebration for #1's High School graduation is tomorrow evening here at the house. At that time she's also making her "big announcement" about what she has chosen to do for her college/career/life.

The guesses people have made are almost shocking. i think they're rather a telling reflection of what they think of #1. What an odd thing.

What do you think?

So far, people have guessed that she's:
Pregnant
Getting married
Pregnant AND getting married
Becoming a Rabbi
Joining the Peace Corps

Comparison

#1 and i were invited to a mutual friend's 39th birthday party last week. i warned her that people would be drinking there and allowed her to make the choice. She chose to go.

There was drinking (and some drunkeness) and some Cuban cigar smoking... but also pizza, soda, good conversation, dancing... and major silliness!

#1 chose not to be utterly silly, which was fine. She danced, had a few good conversations and enjoyed the evening overall. We left well after 1am.

"I" for Inappropriate

i've never seen my kids NOT have a good time looking at cars and hanging out, but tonight just that happened.

Then they report that their father exposed them to him and his partner and their friends drinking, some drunkenness and (others) smoking (yes, what they were smoking is questionable) while they were cold and utterly bored, having nothing to do but entertain little kids.

#1 text messaged to please be rescued. i rescued.

It's one thing to have them know our partners and have us all do things together in a healthy atmosphere. This was entirely something else.

Unfortunately, it isn't ME who can work this out for them. They have to speak up for themselves. i wish them strength.

So THERE!

Last night i vented my anger on a candle-wax-filled, red glass mosaic globe that was ruined (and i love)

At some point #2 decided to burn it... and play with the melting wax (a fascination i understand!) except he let it burn straight down in a narrow wick-line leaving 99% of the wax still unburnt the wax covered over the wick at the very bottom... and my beautiful, red glass mosaic, $13 candle was soon a total loss. :(

Too broken hearted to throw it out, i saved it.
Last night was the perfect time to fix it...

i gouged all the old hardened wax out
using only my fingernails...
until 2:30am...
standing at the bathroom counter...
Grrrrrrrr! Take THAT!

Cleaned it out entirely!
Put a tealight in the bottom of my clean-as-a-whistle, empty, now-beautiful-again, red glass mosaic candle holder and lit it. Voila! :)

Feeling some sense of accomplishment and triumph over evil...

i slept from 2:30 until 8am!!

Didn't sleep last night. Maybe an hour or so, but nothing that helped.
Feeling ill, headache, nausea. Conflicted. Hamstering. Heartstrings in all directions.

i need information to help me out of this. Too much in which i have no confidence.

It's hard for me to say this, but... i need support. i need bolstering. i need clarity.

i need to vent.

sappy/sweet

"You cannot win the battle against 'darkness' alone, for knowing love, family, laughter and friends is to have won the war already."

Today in Rome

When the Liberal "comes out" to the Conservative, or in this case, the Conservative to the Liberal, interesting things happen.

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VATICAN CITY (July 7) - Pope Benedict XVI on Saturday removed restrictions on celebrating the old Latin Mass, reviving a rite that was all but swept away by the liberalizing reforms of the Second Vatican Council.

The decision, a victory for traditional, conservative Roman Catholics, came over the objections of liberal-minded Catholics and angered Jews because the Tridentine Mass contains a prayer for their conversion.
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Something radical has happened in the Catholic 'family'. Their most prominent member, the Pope, has made a change which totally "outs" his conservativism. Whereas it was a known leaning before, there is now no doubt of it's depth, nor it's ability to influence others. The divisiveness of this one act will become apparent over time. For some it will be a celebration of the ability to practice their religious conservativism as they choose and they will become more openly devout through that practice. For others it is a damnation of their previous world and they are outraged that others will have the freedom to do this one act. Though it changes nothing about their own world and choices on how they practice their religion, they will be outraged at another's freedoms. So too it is in other non-mainstream lifestyles, be it religious, sexual preference or relationship style choices...

The move has had interesting reaction globally, but one of the most rational i think is that of French Cardinal Ricard.

Cardinal Jean-Pierre Ricard, the head of the French bishops' conference, warned that the move will create divisions. "There will be resistance from both sides. Just because you have in a family a cousin who is a bit different, whom you tolerate and accept, doesn't mean that the whole family adopts his positions or his way of life."

While on the one hand Ricard warns of resistance from both sides, and i'll be curious to see how this "resistance" manifests in the religious world, he then effectively reiterates a tenent of the BDSM/Lifestyle... "Your kink may not be my kink, but i'll defend your right to practice it!" i have to respect him for that open-minded perspective.

It will be an interesting few months and maybe much longer, as we watch the movement of the religious world around us as they react to their Pope's drastic act.

We who practice alternative lifestyles or religions have something to learn from our observations. Of the many questions i seek answers to through watching this are... Should one "come out" as a practicioner of an alt lifestyle or religion to the vanilla world at large? To our family world? Why? Why not? Does it behoove us to be discrete and hidden, or "tolerated and accepted" says Cardinal Ricard, at all times? Would we, individually or as an alt community, be better served by being more "out"? How do we weigh those repercussions and make those decisions? How do we react if the power to make that decision is taken from us? How do we/i behave if we know we cannot be 'ourselves' in the face of the reactions of others? Are the schisms that may take place in our lives worth that?

History is a great teacher. i look to the elders of the gay rights communities for some of these answers and i see the stiff price that was paid by so many. Today i see their celebration of freedoms before thought impossible. It is because of the activism and the price that was paid on their behalf that future generations will be able to live as they choose. i wonder who, if anyone, or if i, will know the right time or have the strength and fortitude do that for my own communities and future generations.

Haven't posted in a while and life has been, well... bigger than life! so i'm kick-starting by posting the lyrics to a song that touches me to tears every time i hear it. The singer/songwriter is S.J. "Sooj" Tucker, a woman i just missed meeting at a house concert i didn't go to. A dear friend (R/W)grabbed me her newest CD and another friend (D/J) snagged Sooj's previous 2 CDs for me and that was that - i was hooked.
This morning i give you Valkyrie Daughter...

Valkyrie Daughter
for Loki and Whitney, and their family. 7/7/06
Valhalla is ever receiving
as her sons are forever at war
but her gates are not barred, as you may have been told,
to the women and children worth fighting for.
Time was that a soldier named for Loki had daughters aplenty.
He reared them up fierce in his pride.
The fairest had just reached her flowering time
when the Norns cut her thread and she died.
Well, he wouldn't take no for an answer,
nor grieve for the rest of his days.
He set off for the wild, with his tears still a-stream,
resolved to petition the Valkyrie.
For the sake of his child, he would enter this plea:
retrieve her and teach her your ways.

So he searched and he strove many seasons
'til the gray had come into his beard.
He returned home to the scorn of his colleagues and friends.
His wife rejoiced quietly for his folly's end
and asked Frigga for strength, that his spirit would mend,
that he'd not prove as mad as she feared him.
Well, a soldier is nothing if not full of pride,
no warrior if not hard and bold,
so he set off again well before winter's end
to the wild, without telling a soul.
In spite of himself, in the snowdrifts he fell
and succumbed to the night and the cold.
Deep in the sleep of exhaustion
the soldier did fall, and he dreamed.
He found himself walking the world of Niflheim
where things are indeed as grim as they seem.
His courage held fast, he continued
to the hall where the mistress of that realm did dwell.
There sat Lady Hel, in her fearsome estate.
He felt his great heart as it skipped a few beats.
Just the same, he bowed all the way down to her feet,
and she grudgingly gave him a smile.

"I know why you've come here, young soldier," she said,
"but you may state your case if you please.
The roads to this realm do not tolerate men
unless they have come to me at their life's end,
but you've conquered your fears and so it appears
your dreams let you here with great need."
"I am nothing to you, O my underworld queen,
but I come for the sake of my child.
I do not beg her back, thus insulting your lands,
but my girl deserves better, at much different hands.
My daughter should ride with the Valkyrie band!
I'll do all that I can just to have this fulfilled!"

The gods are no strangers to bargains.
Traditions with teeth have their time and their place,
but Hel is the child of the Breaker of Rules,
and she had this father's measure, written plainly on his face.
"For the sake of your child, you will strike me a deal.
I will speak with the fierce Valkyrie.
The condition is this, to be sealed with your blood:
No matter your valor, your warrior's fate,
your place in Valhalla is forfeit this night.
You will come, in the end, back to me."

The soldier's eyes clouded, but he cut his own palm
and signed all his honor away.
He thanked Lady Hel for her kindness
and hoped that her rank would hold sway.
"Go now, young man, for your body is cold.
Your time in my realm draws too near.
Return to your wife and your children who live.
Surround them with all of the love you can give.
They think they have lost you, but they will forgive.
Get you home, and banish their fears."

The soldier woke, struggled back fully to life,
and made his way slowly back home.
Treacherous toil of a way that it was,
a goddess had sent him back where he belonged
and no avalanche would slow him down.
It's every hand keeps a family strong.
It's the self who is last to forgive.
He vowed on that day ne'er again to forget
the worth of his loved ones who live.
This time he was lauded upon his return--
the men gave great shouts and his wife a tearful smile.
The village turned out for a great merry feast.
Never again did his warrior colleagues
serve up their scorn. No, they left him in peace,
for his journey was writ in his eyes.

Though he held in his heart now a fine tavern tale,
the soldier did not tell a soul.
Some truths are too fine to mix in with the ale
and he held this one close while so many others were told.
With no way of knowing his lost daughter's fate,
he set all his worries to fade
and threw all his heart into raising the rest.
Thus, a fine generation was made.
The years took their toll, and he took up his cane.
His family still lit his world,
but he onced asked a favor of a wandering bard
that she write a fine song for his lost little girl.

One fine afternoon as the summer rolled on
and the harvest was just at its start,
as he worked side by side with his nephews and sons,
he lost an old war with his heart.
Never to walk in Valhalla, he thought
to find himself deep in Niflheim,
but a wonder occurred as he opened his eyes.
There was his daughter, come down from the skies.
She rode astride with her Valkyrie sisters.
With joy far too great for the dead who arise,
he took her small hand, as if for the first time.
She told him, "oh, father! Goddesses oft change their minds!"

Valhalla is ever receiving, as her sons are forever at war.
But her gates are not shut, as you've heard in this tale,
as was told to a bard by a soldier,
to the Valkyrie daughters worth fighting for!

GRR!

i'm having an "i hate everyone and everything" day and there's no where in my life to "put that" but here (which isn't anywhere near enough).

Frustrated, angry, upset, stressed and can't find peace anywhere.
Hate everyone around me.
Feeling relegated to being 'the one who cleans up after everyone else'.
MUCH too much energy and no decent channel for it.

Implode or explode.. not much of a choice.

One Less!

i was looking back this morning, looking for something else entirely, when i came upon this list... It occured to me that i have one more now! :)
Here's the post, revised, from 10/14/06. (Italicized this time. Easier to read.)

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (not drink)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
*80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone (fingers)
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Grad!

Well #1 has made it! Not only that... she sang at commencement, a duet, with choir back-up (kvell *sniff* kvell!) We all survived family dinner at a restaurant after graduation... ended up singing along with the Wizard of Oz! Then #1 had the All-Night Senior Party and arrived home at 5am on the 4th. It was quite a day!

slipped again

Once again the spaghetti-lined treadmill wins.

i can't do everything without disappointing more than one significant piece of my life and those in it who are willing to tell me so.

Coffee for a Cause *OR* Help save my hostas!

I've seen people taking bags of used coffee grounds from my local Starbucks for years now and always wondered just what they were doing with them. Some research (a snippet of which is below) this morning led me to two things...

1. I want to use spent coffee grounds in my garden for ecological reasons. They're free organic fertilizer that most people use to fill landfills. Boo! (I'm a coffee drinker and now I am sorry to say that I was throwing out my grounds.) This very morning there is a can in my kitchen for collecting them! I learned that you don't need to be a composter to use the grounds.

2. Apparently they will help me deter the slugs that make my hostas look like they have LACE for leaves!

Oh, and #3? They used the word "reclaim" in a way that had very meaningful connections for me... go figure!

So, what FREE and EASY action can YOU take?

Pay heed and begin to recycle your own used coffee grounds and tea leaves (they work too) by way of the garden, house plants or compost bin. You will be a part of saving 7.5 million tons of organic material from our landfills.

Make your local coffee shop and conveneince market (franchise, corporate or independent) aware of the benefits of making their spent grounds available to their customers. On a national basis, Starbucks already does this with their espresso grounds... because a customer asked them to! You can make a difference.

Find a neighbor, neighborhood or community garden and donate them.

If I know you... Save them for me! I'll happily take them (coffee or tea) off your hands and use them. Just put them (filters/bags and all) in a ziplock bag or sealable container. Need a container? I'll supply it.

This site is good: http://www.mastercomposter.com/survey/coffee.html but there is a lot more information available. Just Google "Coffee Grounds Gardening"
***********************
This year, world production is estimated to reach 7,658,780 tons of coffee beans. If we just reclaim coffee grounds, we can make a significant difference in the volume of organics recycled rather than landfilled.

PIGGIES!

Went for my very first-ever pedicure last night with two wonderful girlfriends! Wine, cheese, conversation and the cutest PIGGIES!


p.s. the kanji on my left big toenails says: fantasy (in my dreams, eh?!)

Flip Side

A conversation with M yesterday led me here...

Of course there are two sides to the flip side (of my previous post)...

1. That my shielding disrespects the Divinity of the other person just because i don't think enough of them.

2. That NOT shielding them from the whole enchilada disrespects their will to know more than they want to know!

i'm not doing a good job of figuring out item 2. i tend to err on the side of waiting to be asked a question directly, to respond directly. Seems fair... but what if they don't even know what to ask? hmmmm...

Where do those boundaries lie with each person? Do i get to determine that? How dense shoud my filters be?

Oh hamsters.

Striving

One way that i now know helps me overcome my sheilding nature (shielding you, sheilding me - there's a song in there somewhere) is to create a personal "safe space"; one with no threats, judgments or retribution to be exacted. This is not to say that there are never repercussions or discussions to be had from what i have shared/said, just that the respect for the Divinity of the human (me) please be respected as i do with whomever i speak.

Yes the people in my life deal with "damaged goods" (ouch!), but getting through to a place where i can risk my whole self (where it's appropriate) and be strong enough to see it through is my goal.

Yep, people have made it difficult for me to do that along my way and i in turn learned well from it. i'm also now learning to get over it, not to carry the baggage of mistrust and doubt with me, to give people just a wee bit more credit (tough stuff) and to be most fully myself.

If i have the space to do it where it's not quite so terrifying i know i can... and i will.

Nailed

One exercise in which i have been taking part is to look at the resentments, hurts and anger that i "bring with me" on a daily basis. Of course i also have to listen to T's list (aka: The Book). Today he nailed me good with something i've been working on for a while now. You can see it reflected time after time here in my blog.

Here's the path it's taken:
i grew up n a family in which i never measured up - the makings of a "black sheep" came very early on. i am 5 years my sister's senior. i am independent and headstrong and i have outlandish ideas about how the world "should be". (lol)

Over time i learned to protect myself from the harsh scrutiny and judgement of my family by selectively reflecting what i felt was positive and that would gain me positive feedback. i was shown time and time again that they had no interest and could not tolerate hearing my musings about the world or how i'd mucked up something... so i stopped sharing that.

It's human nature to want people to think well of you, yes? Well it's my nature.

Clearly, i have carried this protective pattern into adulthood. i protect myself from the harsh judgements of others. i protect others from me too. i do not allow most people to see who i am "warts and all" for fear of their reactions. Yes, i'm afraid. i have not developed faith that anyone would love me for who i am, or that i am strong enough to handle the repercussions of sharing my full self with no political exclusions.

The Universe knows me. my spirit knows me. So, should anyone else?? Do they really need to? well... YES!

It took me a long time to come to this conclusion but it happened a few years ago. Since then i have been striving to show more of myself to a few select people... yeah, even i can be horribly vulnerable, afraid to my core and still risk the level of honesty towards which i am proud to continue to strive.

Never Let 'em See Ya Sweat

i had no idea how strongly i have lived this iconic phrase until i realized the limited number of people with whom i share who i really am... All of me.

Who am i kidding?!? The list is 3 people long.

Those who only know the one or two aspects of me rarely get to see more unless it's necessary. i've always felt that's how it should be and i work harder than i ever thought to keep it that way.

Appearing to deal with every day life with grace and humor is something i value and try my best to live.

It's no wonder people think that i'm so insanely capable!!
blessing/curse

Whew!

Two hours of very hard solo yardwork and i need a break!

25 square feet more garden space - Whoopee!

Cleaned out the existing back garden and extended it to run along-side of the new patio. Took out the sod and turned the underlying soil, mixing it with old leaves for nutrients. It still needs more topsoil to bring it up to grade but it's a very good start.

i'm planning on moving some shasta daisies and stopecrop (sedum) into the new space and last week i bought an Elephant Ear tuber for this area too. Actually, that should pretty much FILL it! Can't wait til i'm ready to put it all in the ground. i just hope that the neighborhood menagerie (deer, bunnies, chipmunk, squirrel, skunk, possum, raccoon, etc...) doesn't take a liking to it!

Dido

i admit it - i'm a huge Dido fan; not so much for her voice, which is sultry, sweet and expressive, but for her lyrics.
my all-time favorite Dido song is "Hunter", but this one is for this morning...

"Honestly OK"

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again.

Charge of the Goddess - Doreen Valiente

Whenever ye have need of anything,
once in the month and better it be when the moon is full,
then shall ye assemble in some secret place,
and adore the spirit of me,
who am Queen of all witches.

There shall ye assemble,
ye who are fain to learn all sorcery,
yet have not won its deepest secrets;
to these will I teach all things that are as yet unknown.

And ye shall be free from slavery;
and as a sign that ye be truly free,
you shall be naked in your rites;
and ye shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love,
all in my praise.
For mine is the ecstasy of the spirit,
and mine also is joy on earth;
for my law is love unto all beings.

Keep pure your highest ideals;
strive ever towards them,
let nothing stop you or turn you aside.
For mine is the secret door which
opens upon the Land of Youth,
and mine is the cup of the wine of life,
and the Cauldron of Cerridwen,
which is the Holy Vessel of Immortality.
I am the gracious Goddess,
who gives the gift of joy unto the heart of man.

Upon earth,
I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal;
and beyond death,
I give peace, and freedom,
and reunion with those who have gone before.

Nor do I demand sacrifice;
for behold, I am the Mother of all living,
and my love is poured out upon the Earth.

I am the beauty of the green earth,
and the white moon among the stars,
and the mystery of the waters,
and the desire of the heart of man.

Call unto thy soul, arise, and come unto me.
For I am the soul of Nature,
who gives life to the Universe.
From me all things proceed,
and unto me all things must return;
and before my face, beloved of gods and of men,
let thine innermost divine self be enfolded,
in the rapture of the infinite.

Let my worship be within the heart that rejoicest,
for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.
Therefore, let there be beauty and strength,
power and compassion, honor and humility,
mirth and reverence within you.

And thou who thinketh to seek for me,
know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not,
unless thou knoweth the mystery;
that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee,
thou wilt never find it without thee.

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning;
and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.

Charge of the God - Author Unknown

Hear the words of the dancing God,

the music of whose laughter stirs the winds,

whose voice calls the seasons:

I who am the Lord of the Hunt and the Power of the Light,

sun among the clouds and the secret of the flame

I call upon your bodies to arise and come unto me.

For I am the flesh of the earth and all its beings.

Through me all things must die and with me are reborn.

Let my worship be in the body that sings,

for behold all acts of willing sacrifice are my rituals.

Let there be desire and fear, anger and weakness,

joy and peace, awe and longing within you.

For these too are part of the mysteries found within yourself,

within me, all beginnings have endings,

and all endings have beginnings.

Quote

"There seems to be an influx of emotional change and or disharmonic energy in the lives of many in this season. My personal view is that spring is a time of rebirth, and as we all known birthing is HARD. Look at the terms used in childbirth; "labor", "transition", "push", "contraction" - all of these terms are associated with change and this is the time of change for many of us, often with change comes discomfort and sometimes even downright PAIN but know that this is pain with a purpose."

- Master Obsidian's namaste

Dido, lyrics

"Slide"

Even on a day like this when you're crawling on the floor
Reaching for the phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore.
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human.
Inside everybody's hiding something.

Staring at the same four walls, have you tried to help yourself
The rings around your eyes they don't hide, that you need to get some rest
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human.
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breathe and choose your moment.
Don't slide

Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far
Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all
It's all right to make mistakes
you're only human.
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breathe and choose your moment.
Don't slide

You brought this on yourself
and it's high time you left it there.

Lie here and rest your head
and dream of something else instead.

Don't slide

my head and my heart are messy places

i'm worried about l - her breakdown this week was frightening and stressful. i care about her, and her life and how she handles it affects s. l was told that her grades aren't good enough (all B's), that she's "not impressive" on paper and that she may be wasting her time and $. PLUS - (same day) she got called for a MONTH of Federal Grand Jury Duty! AND she works full time. Poor baby just snapped. I would have too.

Worried about s - the gastric paresis is rearing its ugly head for a bit of a recurrence. i hate feeling helpless when it comes to those i love

1 & 2 are both saying negative things about their father. On 99% of the counts they're right. Feeling caught in the middle. Busy loving them and empowering them to make positive differences in their lives.

Just found out that while i was gone T purchased a new laptop computer. Surprise.... cha-ching!

My new job situation feels out of my hands completely. The two "blows" that i took this past week had little to do with me or my teaching, yet i feel as though they're taking a toll on my standing with the company. One has cut into the small amount of hours i was scheduled to work, the other just makes me feel "less than". i know that small children have no compunction saying they liked the substitute better than me. It's not because of ME either. It's because she waltzed in there with three computers and a printer. She wins - hands down.

i really was afraid of being punished for having gone away. So many little things while I was gone built more fear in me than i wanted to recognize. Until i returned i never acknowledged how afraid i was of the repercussions of my actions.

The background... Past toxic relationship stuff: every time i went away (professional conferences, school trips, "me time" - or even had company here -) i was punished for "leaving him alone". Yes, i know now that this was my ex in my head and he's sick, but it's also my most recent memories, my gut reaction. Didn't help that i was overtired, missed my kids and the (late) flight was awful.

Good thing was that I was greeted with love and hugs all round! :)

A very dear gf and i had a day-long heart to heart talk. i realized again just how deeply i have been harmed along the way and that i have not yet healed many of those wounds.

One of those wounds: What kind of mother puts her own quest for happiness above the needs of her children? I did that. I own it fully.
No longer trusting myself and my judgment.

Searching to fulfill something that i need to find within myself. What is that something and how do i do it... and still have love in my life?

Little things like that. (wry smile)

Small steps. A day at a time. She's right (helps that she's 'been there'). Take it slow but don't stop. Solid advice.

Onward! This day has got to get itself underway.

decompartmentalized

Driving along Rockville Pike, chatting... s puts into words an interesting point about herself that i relate to strongly.

i used to "deal" with life by putting each issue in a neat box, tackling each box of my life as i could or needed to.

Somewhere along the way (about 15 years ago) i stopped doing that. i became more integrated, more whole, "self-actualized" for those of you to whom that makes sense. i am very happy with myself in the way that i have become more whole and more fully "myself". One difference that exemplifies this wholeness is that i no longer compartmentalize parts of my life more than necessary. i don't put one thing on the back burner of my mind in favor of another.

i don't mean to say that thoughts and their subsequent actions happen in inappropriate times or places, but i think about almost everything, almost all the time.

This all makes me a very full-minded person! It's no wonder i feel like i get overwhelmed easily. Too much at once, last minute changes, unexpected turns in the road are sometimes taken in stride, but yet other times bring a tidal wave of emotion - or worse: paralysis.

This morning my heart is at my aunt's funeral, with my children, my blood family, extended relatives, here on vacation, my home, with friends here and home, s's illness, with M, with T, with S, all my "shoulda-woulda-couldas" i left in MI or are here with me, my students, my work (both of them), possibilities that present themselves for my future, choices...

In other words... my DEcompartmentalised brain is currently on moderate overload mode. But i have the words to express it now! :) Guessing that's a step in the right direction.

11pm

Just got a call from my cousin in Florida...

Her grandmother - my Aunt Clara - just passed.

This was my grandfather's sister-in-law, the oldest living relative i had and last of that generation to pass.

Aunt Clara was a strong woman who found things to love about nearly everything. It feels good to know that in that way i am much like her.

i am very much loved. A dear woman just passed over. i go on vacation tomorrow. Feelings defy words right now. i'm all over the map.

The Motif: Inversion 1

There's a balance to be had between what is my responsibility and what belongs to others.

Tonight i found out that my self-preservation-distance between me and my blood family (mostly my mother - not my sisters) has caused one of my sisters to choose to shut me out of her life. Yes, i do realize that this is her choice to do this and not my responsibility. Maybe she thinks she's "punishing me"? For what? Really it hurts us both and our children.

Still, it was painful to hear (hear, mind you, not be told) in one lump sum that she'd had major surgery, bought a new car, and is planning to move out of state in a matter of months!

i think #1, who heard it all first, is in a little bit of shock over it all.

i wish my sister well. i have never once wished her ill.

i have a question of balance here though...
Why does the act of maintaining connection with the blood relatives always seem to fall squarely in MY LAP alone!? Is there ever going to be effort coming in the other direction?

smile

i have amazing friends whom i adore in my life.

HUGE SMILES! :-D

My Motif

Posting's been sparse. It's a symptom of my hamstering mind... finding the balance that suits me and my life. If there's any theme here and in my life that's it: Balance.

Where i find my balance in any given situation might be tremendously different from other people. i've made my peace with that.

i am not one to be "in charge" or the decision maker unless i feel it's needed in order to create a stable balance. Oh yes, i am perfectly comfortable and capable of stepping into that role, i simply prefer not to unless it's needed because i step into it with strength... so much so that people who only see that don't recognize me when i am able to drop it.

In my home it is needed.
In my classrooms (now 6 of them) it is needed.
As an employee it is needed.
Dealing with parents it is needed.
Dealing with blood family it is needed.

In my personal relationships i specifically seek for it not to be needed. i'm not always successful in that endevour. Of course, people in whom i can place that level of trust is not something that is abundant. Now i am learning that over time even those people i have trusted before can disappoint in reciprocating that trust. (That one stung.)

So - look for the theme to return time and again as i seek my unique balance to posting, to relationships of all sorts, and to life in general.

AFGM

Life lately is a constant reminder that i have so much for which to be grateful and in which to find joy. Yet the balance of this on-going celebration is not easily found amidst the apparent chaotic landscape of daily life. Is it only to me that every magickal moment seems to gleam through the muck?

Even when friendships end...
Through new job freak outs...
When silences make for wide gaps between sisters...
Between tears of tension...
Under the stresses of growth and change...
And through parenting pitfalls and incompetent administrators...
Despite demands and frantic schedules.

Doors closing, Doors opening...

There is so much to celebrate.
#2's remission is stable.
The sun shone today.
And it's Spring, Eostara.

Hail and Welcome, Changing Woman.
i will do my best to be strong amidst Your winds of change.

hmmm

I Render

having rendered filial piety to my parents
undeserving though they may be
maternal love and life to my children
definitely deserved and lovingly tendered
friendship and companionship to friends
faithfully and joyfully returned in full
passion, love, and tears to lovers
some foolishly chosen, others poignantly still loved
power and money to the various obfuscating craven Caesars
extorted legally, reluctantly and grudgingly given
more money and questions, always questioning the various holy men and their mythos
answers irrevently and mockingly disbelieved
I wonder
what must I render to myself?

by butterflynxile (c) 2007

hate to say --- *updated

It's a blog all about ME.

It's about how life affects *me*, how *i* perceive things, what *i* think.
my intent was never to have them be springboards for 1:1 conversations, or for me to expose my bloody innards for any provocative purpose other than for it to be *my* dumping ground.

i expect readers who know me in "meat time" to know that i am mature enough to bring something to you in person if i need to talk about it. There is no passive-aggressive intent here. (BTW: If you think that i'm talking about you it's because you're in my life... and aren't you glad of that?!)

The way *i* see it... if *i* can dump it here *i* RARELY (if ever) need to talk about and 'explore' it! Don't bug me about it. Don't poke me with a stick. i bite back!

The blog... serves *my* purpose.

mine mine mine

Gaining Control

"You must gain control over the patterns that govern your mind: your world view, your beliefs about what you deserve and about what's possible. That's the zone of fundamental change, strength, and energy --- and the true meaning of courage."
~ Peter Koestenbaum

i'm working on it. Believe me!
And thank you s and D, for your words.

How would i know?

"How Would I Know"

You say you don't feel like yourself

Does that mean you're somebody else

How would I know

Oh you say you just don't feel quite right today

Does that mean that you're slipping away

How would I know

You might believe there's a paradise

In the next hello

*

How would I know

If you don't tell me so

If you wanted to go

How would I know

*

You say you don't know what you're doing here

Does that mean you might disappear

How would I know

You might feel that there's something real

In the next hello

*

How would I know

If you don't tell me so

If you wanted to go

How would I know

.

.

~ Melissa Etheridge ~

One more

Me and #1 on Mardi Gras Day in warm, sunny, FLA.

Frizzled

i've been flash-fried by the past couple of weeks.
Tired but happy.
Gimme a few... i'll be back.

While you're waiting, here's a couple pics of yours truly from Fla.

Movie Star in the sunshine!

Layers on chilly nights!

Guess who got DRENCHED on Splash Mountain?!

Whoops!

So yesterday the snow began to fall... we were expecting 4-6". It fell fast and the roads were very slick. One result? i had about half of my usual class attendance.

In lieu of a full lesson plan i redirected their energies into a fun activity. Each student wrote their own personal spell... OOPS... blessing! starting out in the traditional Hebrew and switching to English for the remainder of their thoughts... to ask HaShem/Deity/the Universe for a snow day!

We all agreed that our finished blessings should go under our pillows for the night... while they slept with their pajamas on inside out! To their credit not one student simply said "please can we have a snow day tomorrow?", but rather many of them went on to say that they wished their fathers would also not have work so that they would stay home and play with them.

It was a quite the moment for me to be privy to their thoughts and verbalizing their need for family time. Have i mentioned how much i adore teaching these children?

In any case... we only got 3-4" of snow, the roads aren't that bad, temps not that cold, plows have already come down the secondary subdivision streets... AND... IT'S A SNOW DAY!!!

Those kids are some powerful magicians!

P.S. i wasn't wishing for a snow day. It's the last class period rehearsal before the Florida trip! We'll make phone calls a little later today. sigh.