Life plods on... gets harder, but still we fight for a leg up, for a glimmer of hope, for survival... Exhaustion, frustration...
Doors close, windows open, but where's the one that will lead us out of this darkness? WishBird, where have you flown?
Still, we find a way to enjoy each other and the bond we share. We still smile, laugh, love. i think that speaks volumes for us.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Weekend note
What a strange mix of a weekend. There's no way to condense it into words that would fit even a virtual page when feelings range from utter panic, to sheer joy.
i can't focus on the panic. It makes me no help and no use to You.
i can focus on the joy we felt to spend time together, even in the eye of the storm. It was what i've been missing for so many weeks. YOU are what i've been missing.
And lastly, i wanted to say again... For always seeing me through to being able to give You all that You ask of me... Without the loving support, the insistence, the encouragement... i would not be able to give what i can to You. Thank You.
i can't focus on the panic. It makes me no help and no use to You.
i can focus on the joy we felt to spend time together, even in the eye of the storm. It was what i've been missing for so many weeks. YOU are what i've been missing.
And lastly, i wanted to say again... For always seeing me through to being able to give You all that You ask of me... Without the loving support, the insistence, the encouragement... i would not be able to give what i can to You. Thank You.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
More learning
In reading back, i'm reflecting on the post "Learning" and the conversations at the dinner regarding reactance. It was comforting to hear that this "black and white/all or nothing" attitude isn't something which i'm alone in dealing with. It's actually fairly common among the Dom/mes we know. After all, it IS a Dominant trait to get what You ask for! Remember, Brehm was only looking at the response to the limiting of freedom.
What differed was what was being asked of the s's, and the responses from them. How interesting it was to hear how each of us has learned to respond to it, and how that response differs within one person depending on what's been asked.
Of the people who chose to share about this aspect of their dynamic, the ones that have learned not to react emotively and defensively are those who've been together longest. They were the couples who had developed a solid foundation of trust and security in their dynamic.
This leads me not to be surprised at my level of reactance towards You. We've had two major trust issues arise in less than 3 years. They've pushed us to the breaking point, in fact. Is it then any wonder that i cling so tightly in my reticence? That i bend rather than break for You? That i hold tightly to the power i have? How can i not have seen why this is happening?
i know this isn't what You want of me, believe me it isn't what i want for us either. For now, at least some times, i feel as though i have to. As though i can't let go and trust completely for fear of losing myself to one who has so much power to hurt me, and has. i've taken steps in working towards trust again, but there's obviously so much more work that needs to be done; steps to learn to trust You and Your judgement of people, situations, even of me; steps to being able to let go in a whole and confident way.
Since that whole conversation i have resolved to work on letting go in situations i perceive are safe in which to let go with You. But only You, through time and transparency, can give me the ability to let my life rest gently and without fear in the palm of Your hand. Even this lies in Your control.
What differed was what was being asked of the s's, and the responses from them. How interesting it was to hear how each of us has learned to respond to it, and how that response differs within one person depending on what's been asked.
Of the people who chose to share about this aspect of their dynamic, the ones that have learned not to react emotively and defensively are those who've been together longest. They were the couples who had developed a solid foundation of trust and security in their dynamic.
This leads me not to be surprised at my level of reactance towards You. We've had two major trust issues arise in less than 3 years. They've pushed us to the breaking point, in fact. Is it then any wonder that i cling so tightly in my reticence? That i bend rather than break for You? That i hold tightly to the power i have? How can i not have seen why this is happening?
i know this isn't what You want of me, believe me it isn't what i want for us either. For now, at least some times, i feel as though i have to. As though i can't let go and trust completely for fear of losing myself to one who has so much power to hurt me, and has. i've taken steps in working towards trust again, but there's obviously so much more work that needs to be done; steps to learn to trust You and Your judgement of people, situations, even of me; steps to being able to let go in a whole and confident way.
Since that whole conversation i have resolved to work on letting go in situations i perceive are safe in which to let go with You. But only You, through time and transparency, can give me the ability to let my life rest gently and without fear in the palm of Your hand. Even this lies in Your control.
*sigh*
You're home with a stomach bug... i'm here with nasty cramps. Somehow all i really want is to curl up in Your arms in our bed and sleep this beautiful wintry day away.
i'm dreaming in rather unlikely possibilities today... horny!
i'm dreaming in rather unlikely possibilities today... horny!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Yes, i do
You ask if i miss You.
It's more than missing You, it's missing the 'us' that was relaxed and optimistic. It's missing the hours cuddling. It's missing the frequent smiles and laughter that came so easily.
Spending time with our friends, being outgoing and friendly, feeling positive about life... have we lost this all? i miss it. i miss the way people used to "feel us" as we walked in a room. It was almost as if they sensed something powerful. Something good.
Of all people, elle once said to me: "i know life is hard, but you guys feel like you have it all just because you have each other." i miss having it with YOU.
It's more than missing You, it's missing the 'us' that was relaxed and optimistic. It's missing the hours cuddling. It's missing the frequent smiles and laughter that came so easily.
Spending time with our friends, being outgoing and friendly, feeling positive about life... have we lost this all? i miss it. i miss the way people used to "feel us" as we walked in a room. It was almost as if they sensed something powerful. Something good.
Of all people, elle once said to me: "i know life is hard, but you guys feel like you have it all just because you have each other." i miss having it with YOU.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
A submissive? NO.
SD: Maybe you're not a submissive.
What i did say: i think you'd have an argument on your hands.
When asked whether You thought i should think on SD's words, You replied: Look for the answer in your own heart. Another person cannot tell you if you are or not.
This is some of that looking.....
i am definitely not a submissive.
What i did say: i think you'd have an argument on your hands.
When asked whether You thought i should think on SD's words, You replied: Look for the answer in your own heart. Another person cannot tell you if you are or not.
This is some of that looking.....
i am definitely not a submissive.
The feelings of submission that i have in me are carefully guarded and reserved for one who recognises and values them and me for what i am.
my submission has remained well hidden for years at a time. It responds only to honest souls, connected souls, trusted souls, to souls whom i am sure have its best interest at heart.
To souls with whom it can find kinship, it responds in kind.
With one in whom it finds safe shelter, it opens its hands in giving back.
To one who appreciates the fullest depths of its potential,
is willing to nurture it, coax it into health and light,
it unfurls as a sail.
It is a choice to allow it to be beckoned from its hiding to be seen for the whole person that i am. So few have ever seen me, fewer still in those rare moments when i am fully myself.
Yes, i am rich with personal power. Yes, i am strong, intelligent and capable. It makes me no less what i am. Yes, i am vulnerable, childish, prone to wounding, slow to comprehend the obvious. Still it makes me no less what i am.
Then there is this one... this one weilded equal power to my own. This one saw what was inside without ever being told. This one came so far in that it was difficult to know where each of us stopped. And so it began to again unfurl; this time in a completely different way. In a way which suited this one, and the us that has grown to be.
It is because of this one's seeing that i am what i am to him. It is this one who makes me more myself in this part of me than any other. It is this one whom i chose to respect in return.
And so, in the end, i see what i now know i might have said to SD. It is this:
i am not a submissive. i choose to be HIS submissive, as he has chosen me.
And that ~ makes all the difference in the world.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Chronology of an arguement
i had to get this out of my phone. Don't want to carry this around with me. i also didn't want to lose the words we typed. SO many words used for hurt, accusation, misleading, threat... They're still making me ill.
7:46pm
Bored fucking senseless.
*You call three times in 15min while we were in a movie. Once I didn’t look and silenced it. Once I opened and closed the phone, saw it was you, and responded with text. The third time (while I was texting you) you left a message for me. Your voicemail: (@ 8:59pm) “Why am I doing this? I’ve called you 3 times and you answered one of them. And when you answered it cut off. You said to call any time, but when I do you’re never FUCKING THERE!”
8:57pm
In a movie.
9:00
Whoopdee fucking do.
10:09pm
Ill pick up my wash in the morning.
10:19pm
Please don’t you upset my guest.
10:17pm
Big fucking deal.
10:23pm
So the fact it being there upsets me counts for crap.
10:24pm
Don’t come over. i said please. i'll bring it over in the evening.
10:27pm
Wasn’t my choice for the weekend t and #2 were away.
10:28pm
i can’t be with You if You’re like that. Please don’t do this.
10:32pm
T will be gone again in a couple weeks. AND for our anniv. too.
10:35pm
I guess at least I can make an appointment.
10:38pm
When are you going to the airport?
10:39pm
315ish. Flt @515ish
10:41pm
I will collect it then. Thank you for doing it.
10:44pm
You don’t want to see me?
10:43pm
yes. Will be there in 30 minutes.
10:45pm
? i’m not there and its not done.
10:45pm
So where the hell are you?
10:46pm
Out to eat
10:47pm
@ this time? Where’s #1?
10:49pm
with me.
10:50pm
I will collect my washing tomorrow. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
10:54pm
You leaving me?
10:56pm
Goodbye?
11:08pm
Should i leave the collar on the table?
11:09pm
The only collars I gave you are here.
11:12pm
So this is nothing? Thx for telling me.
11:13pm
What’s nothing? Your collars are here. You mean the necklace?
11:14pm
Yes.
11:15pm
I didn’t know you had it on.
11:17pm
Only since you put it on. Guess i was wrong.
11:18pm
I didn’t know you thought if it as such.
11:19pm
It being your collar?
11:20pm
ive been wrong before.
11:20pm
As have I.
11:27pm
I hope that you leave it where it is.
11:30pm
Why?
11:29pm
It belongs there.
11:34pm
It means nothing to you though.
11:35pm
Of course it does. But you didn’t always wear the other one.
11:40pm
Youre kidding right? i took it off once in almost 3 years. If that’s too often for you then i'm not the woman you want.
11:53pm
Yes. You are.
11:56pm
I don’t understand you.
11:57pm
Nor I you at times.
12am
So what do we do?
12am
Accept we aren’t perfect.
12:01am
So far from it.
12:01am
Goodnight
12:02am
Not yet. Are you leaving me? Cuz i need to know.
12:02am
No. unless you give me a reason.
12:04am
Ive given you plenty.
12:05am
You’ve been unfaithful?
12:11am
Lol you have to ask? I have been nothing but amazing and honest with you. Can you say the same?
12:08am
You gave me reason to be upset. That’s all.
12:11am
Pales in comparison. You want to be done w me? Fine.
12:12am
No I don’t!
12:15am
Don’t bother. leave if you want. i wont hold you where you don’t want to be.
12:15am
I want you need you and love you.
12:18am
You got a helluva way of showing it.
7:46pm
Bored fucking senseless.
*You call three times in 15min while we were in a movie. Once I didn’t look and silenced it. Once I opened and closed the phone, saw it was you, and responded with text. The third time (while I was texting you) you left a message for me. Your voicemail: (@ 8:59pm) “Why am I doing this? I’ve called you 3 times and you answered one of them. And when you answered it cut off. You said to call any time, but when I do you’re never FUCKING THERE!”
8:57pm
In a movie.
9:00
Whoopdee fucking do.
10:09pm
Ill pick up my wash in the morning.
10:19pm
Please don’t you upset my guest.
10:17pm
Big fucking deal.
10:23pm
So the fact it being there upsets me counts for crap.
10:24pm
Don’t come over. i said please. i'll bring it over in the evening.
10:27pm
Wasn’t my choice for the weekend t and #2 were away.
10:28pm
i can’t be with You if You’re like that. Please don’t do this.
10:32pm
T will be gone again in a couple weeks. AND for our anniv. too.
10:35pm
I guess at least I can make an appointment.
10:38pm
When are you going to the airport?
10:39pm
315ish. Flt @515ish
10:41pm
I will collect it then. Thank you for doing it.
10:44pm
You don’t want to see me?
10:43pm
yes. Will be there in 30 minutes.
10:45pm
? i’m not there and its not done.
10:45pm
So where the hell are you?
10:46pm
Out to eat
10:47pm
@ this time? Where’s #1?
10:49pm
with me.
10:50pm
I will collect my washing tomorrow. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
10:54pm
You leaving me?
10:56pm
Goodbye?
11:08pm
Should i leave the collar on the table?
11:09pm
The only collars I gave you are here.
11:12pm
So this is nothing? Thx for telling me.
11:13pm
What’s nothing? Your collars are here. You mean the necklace?
11:14pm
Yes.
11:15pm
I didn’t know you had it on.
11:17pm
Only since you put it on. Guess i was wrong.
11:18pm
I didn’t know you thought if it as such.
11:19pm
It being your collar?
11:20pm
ive been wrong before.
11:20pm
As have I.
11:27pm
I hope that you leave it where it is.
11:30pm
Why?
11:29pm
It belongs there.
11:34pm
It means nothing to you though.
11:35pm
Of course it does. But you didn’t always wear the other one.
11:40pm
Youre kidding right? i took it off once in almost 3 years. If that’s too often for you then i'm not the woman you want.
11:53pm
Yes. You are.
11:56pm
I don’t understand you.
11:57pm
Nor I you at times.
12am
So what do we do?
12am
Accept we aren’t perfect.
12:01am
So far from it.
12:01am
Goodnight
12:02am
Not yet. Are you leaving me? Cuz i need to know.
12:02am
No. unless you give me a reason.
12:04am
Ive given you plenty.
12:05am
You’ve been unfaithful?
12:11am
Lol you have to ask? I have been nothing but amazing and honest with you. Can you say the same?
12:08am
You gave me reason to be upset. That’s all.
12:11am
Pales in comparison. You want to be done w me? Fine.
12:12am
No I don’t!
12:15am
Don’t bother. leave if you want. i wont hold you where you don’t want to be.
12:15am
I want you need you and love you.
12:18am
You got a helluva way of showing it.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Learning
Yesterday evening we had a conversation that has shed some serious light on "us" and the relationship dynamic in which we perceive ourselves to be.
While my head is filled with ideas of progress and balance, Yours is filled with black and white concrete truths that unless completely fulfilled are not, plain and simple. The end result is that no matter how much i work towards a goal and making compromises in an effort to move closer to that goal, none of it means a thing to You.
The amount of reactance that You encounter from me is much more than i had perceived before that conversation. With an understanding that reactance is an involuntary reaction to a limiting of freedom, it is understandable that in trying to mesh my life into a cohesive balanced picture, i have not fulfilled Your expectations of me at all. Clearly, Your wishes have been compromised and negotiated instead of followed without question. How stunningly sad for both of us.
The next thing i have learned is to accept that i cannot "keep" You. i cannot control what Your head and heart will do. If it moves on, so be it. All i ask is Your total honesty if that happens.
i guess what has me down is this: Combining the two understandings, a. That You are continually compromised by me, and b. That i cannot "keep" You true to me, leads me to believe that You may well move on. While this is a pretty crushing possibility, it remains a possibility that i can't ignore. It is what it is and You will do what You will do.
Our talk yesterday was shocking to me. i didn't know the length to which You felt i was not living up to what You want from me and for our dynamic. Maybe You thought i saw that as obvious? i didn't.
While my head is filled with ideas of progress and balance, Yours is filled with black and white concrete truths that unless completely fulfilled are not, plain and simple. The end result is that no matter how much i work towards a goal and making compromises in an effort to move closer to that goal, none of it means a thing to You.
The amount of reactance that You encounter from me is much more than i had perceived before that conversation. With an understanding that reactance is an involuntary reaction to a limiting of freedom, it is understandable that in trying to mesh my life into a cohesive balanced picture, i have not fulfilled Your expectations of me at all. Clearly, Your wishes have been compromised and negotiated instead of followed without question. How stunningly sad for both of us.
The next thing i have learned is to accept that i cannot "keep" You. i cannot control what Your head and heart will do. If it moves on, so be it. All i ask is Your total honesty if that happens.
i guess what has me down is this: Combining the two understandings, a. That You are continually compromised by me, and b. That i cannot "keep" You true to me, leads me to believe that You may well move on. While this is a pretty crushing possibility, it remains a possibility that i can't ignore. It is what it is and You will do what You will do.
Our talk yesterday was shocking to me. i didn't know the length to which You felt i was not living up to what You want from me and for our dynamic. Maybe You thought i saw that as obvious? i didn't.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Gifts
So the family gift-giving-extravaganza was New Years Eve day... from 10a-5p to be exact. If it can be such, it was a stressful but pleasant 7 hours.
For the first time, #s 1 & 2 bought gifts with their own money for each of their relatives. It was wonderful directing people's attention to them instead of thanking me. They gave me an awesome visor CD holder for my new car. Gave Him two adorable rubber duckies and a Family Guy DVD. Gave their dad a trash can for his car (HINT!) Both Aunts got cool gifts, and even Pops and Grandma did well with them! Ok, i'm a proud mom. :)
Oh - what did He give me that made me so delighted a few posts back? He gave me a white gold and diamond circle pendant on a white gold chain. Simple, elegant and gorgeous. A new collar. No, we're not fans of the "O" story. The circle (life, Earth, Universe, cycle, completeness...) holds great significance to us and therefore is a very appropriate symbol.
It surprised me how deeply connected i'd grown to the old one. Even Him taking it off me felt "wrong", or as though, for one irrational second, that i had done something to lose it. i was smiling ear to ear as He placed this new one on me. It's beautiful.
What else did i get? A black sweater, the body wash and hand soap i'd asked for, a AAA membership, a pretty shirt, note paper for my planner, an Andrea Boccelli CD and a few other odds and ends - all from my mom and sisters.
From T? Nothing. Such is life.
For the first time, #s 1 & 2 bought gifts with their own money for each of their relatives. It was wonderful directing people's attention to them instead of thanking me. They gave me an awesome visor CD holder for my new car. Gave Him two adorable rubber duckies and a Family Guy DVD. Gave their dad a trash can for his car (HINT!) Both Aunts got cool gifts, and even Pops and Grandma did well with them! Ok, i'm a proud mom. :)
Oh - what did He give me that made me so delighted a few posts back? He gave me a white gold and diamond circle pendant on a white gold chain. Simple, elegant and gorgeous. A new collar. No, we're not fans of the "O" story. The circle (life, Earth, Universe, cycle, completeness...) holds great significance to us and therefore is a very appropriate symbol.
It surprised me how deeply connected i'd grown to the old one. Even Him taking it off me felt "wrong", or as though, for one irrational second, that i had done something to lose it. i was smiling ear to ear as He placed this new one on me. It's beautiful.
What else did i get? A black sweater, the body wash and hand soap i'd asked for, a AAA membership, a pretty shirt, note paper for my planner, an Andrea Boccelli CD and a few other odds and ends - all from my mom and sisters.
From T? Nothing. Such is life.
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