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i have lived through yesterday.

Dread

This evening, i've finally told You that i've been having recurring nightmares for the past month or so. The stress of which is about to peak, and then heaven only knows what will happen. More stress? Less? The interminable passing of time unchanged?

See, i keep dreaming that it's the night of my family's annual Chanukah party which should be renamed "the abundant exchange of gifts more extravagant than your feelings for each other". i.e. We get stuff (major from mother) and give stuff (substantial from each of us). In the dream, the only gift that comes to me is from T. It's a nicely wrapped smallish box containing only one thing; papers. Given in front of my whole family and the kids. i feel myself short of breath and mortified to be unprepared and devastated in such an embarrassing way. The dream ends with my family laughing at my reaction and me frantically attempting to work my way out of the spotlight. i always wake, panicked.

Of course, before then is tomorrow that i have to live through. 20 years plus 6 prior to that. i've been deluded, smothered, elated, joyous, terrified, set free, courageous, ashamed, insecure, confused, strong, sure, cared for, stranded, with and without him 'present' for so long now. So... now what? i'm at an impasse in so many ways. We all are.

Vacation?

Well school's out, so officially it's "vacation". Riiiiight. Silly You!

i've spent many days lording over homework because #1 has left many loose ends and will not pass if they're not all neatly tied up and delivered by Jan. 3. There's no less than 10 assignments. Erg!

Got to surprise Him for Yule and appeared on His doorstep. Except... He wasn't home! i'm still laughing. He did come home and we did have a wonderful Yule night together. Best part of the evening? He really laughed at the cute things i'd gotten Him. i do love to make Him laugh! Purrrr And wow, what He gave me!

i've giftwrapped my fingers to the bone as a fundraiser, and come home and wrapped more for loved ones and family. Good thing i love doing it! (wrapping)

#2 is counting the days until the gift-fest my family calls a party. me? i'm all set to return most of it already. Do you really think my family listens or knows what i want? LoL You're funny. ;)

Hey - Seems i've finally convinced 1 & 2 not to ask for JUNK and STUFF for Chanukkah. They're being very compliant for a couple of teenagers. Wow, you think i MAY have instilled a couple of values along the way??? i'm thinking it's possible.

Tomorrow will bring Xmas "supper" with Him, then Chanukkah "dinner" with us. Little trinkets of gifts, but mostly the celebration of the miracle of hope and light in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

i can relate.

Yay, Vent & Snow

i finally got a new car! The PT Cruiser GT Turbo's nickname is: Mama's lil' Hearse! LoL Couldn't resist. It has dark windows and everything. Thanks to my Salesman (Hm, cap the "S"?) who made the experience of shopping for the car fun and relatively easy. i do love You, my dear Salesman!

If rule #1 is never assume... well He made a whallop of it Tuesday night into yesterday. Made Himself sick over it even. Fortunately i am persistent in my need for communication. Should i know by now that He jumps to conclusions that damn me? Knowing it doesn't mean it hurts less. On the other hand, shouldn't He know me better by now? One would hope so.

Had it out with #2 yesterday evening. i think he now understands that i won't budge until he does, and comes through with more consistent effort and success. Maybe he needed to hear that i believe in him; that every time he has tried from his heart he has succeeded. He heard it last night. Soon after that (and a run down of the day's work) we came to a compromise over what he was asking of me. Score one for the good girls!

At the rate it's coming down now (expecting as much as 6+) they may well be cancelling my class this afternoon. i'm so ticked over that. my last chance to see my kids until 2006, our holiday celebration, their holiday art work to be passed out before the holiday, the points i was to give out, the assignments that need explaining..... i'll need to spend time trying to revamp my oh-so-well-laid plans.

Now of course, i'm wondering if my own two will be sent home early too! i'm thinking that i should go out and find the driveway NOW, so there's some indication of where it is LATER! Oy!

Pushing

i really do dread opening my e-mail lately.

Today, as has been the daily pattern, it was an update of #2's work in school... well, lack of work in school. It seems that the adjustment to the social structure has gone so well, that it has completely forced out any academic adjustment that might have happened. They tell me this like it's something new... AND something for which i am supposed to posess the magic bullet to fix, too! HA! i wish.

Every day i climb up hill, pushing the boulders all the way. If i give up... they will flatten me and roll at an alarming speed back down the hill. If i keep pushing... what will come of it? Will they ever reach the top?

Some days i wonder if there's a choice to be made here. Is letting go and knowing that i will watch at least one of them fall, the right choice? What then? i love them. i adore them. i worry for their futures. It's my job.

*sigh!*

You're most of the way across the state right now. Gods, i miss You!

i think You and i feel much the same about this one. Part high hopes, part dread. We each have said all along, "whatever needs to be done", but of course doing it is the hard part.

i suppose i should ask permission now to fall apart if this comes to fruition, but somehow, i pray, we'll manage to see each other through to a happy ending without the hysterics. (i'll try!)

Know that i believe in You, and in Your ability to fulfill a positive and prosperous destiny.

me? i'm off to see the lady at the CU. Vroom! (i HOPE!)

Today

Today, all day, You cared for me, even though we were several miles from each other. Can i just share with You how loved it made me feel to know that You were literally looking after me even while You were at work?! i have always loved that You and i nurture each other, but it's a sense, a feeling. i don't often get direct examples of it that i can pinpoint. Today, i can.

Today You didn't let me hide my feelings of concern. Today You verbally stroked my hair and calmed me, telling me it will be ok. Today You brought me food when i was hungry, a hug when i needed Your support, a smile when i needed humour, and companionship when i was lonely.

Today You wrapped me in a blanket of You. Exactly what i needed. Thank You.