WORK

I've put off working this past week because #2 has mono (for the past 10 days and continuing for the next few WEEKS), and his schedule is up in the air minute by minute & day to day, leaving me to be the Chief Care Giver, School Work Negotiator and Transportation Director.

Today it's back to work for me. I needed the motivation of my weekly meeting so badly, and I got it! Nose! Meet grindstone! Buh-byeee!

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain: "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down."

play?

Your Texas Toothpick across my bare shoulders, neck, throat, face, arms... later my shirt tossed to the chair next to me. Breasts assaulted, willingly. Blade cold and menacing against taut nipples. Digging point, owww. Sharp against my throat, holding me on the edges of fear. Raked point across yet unmarred flesh, red lines to show its path down my back. Fast passes draw droplets only felt later as they've seeped so slowly as to come through one cell at a time and dried there; their own testimony to the danger i enjoy with you.
You move in front of me. Fist full of hair. Down, to expose my neck more. Sharp tip in tender spots, but your hard on pressing in front of me distracts me from the physical pain. Nails and more cascade up and down my exposed skin and i don't care. Sharper, harder, i want it. All of it, now.
i fly just a little bit in this safe space, tethered to my deep sadness and anger, but not wanting the moment to end. Having reality at bay is a beautiful thing.

SD later: I'd never seen you play before. me: you still haven't.

Sad Song

Pandora helped me discover a song that was new to me by an artist already familiar to me (for his one, over-played pop song): James Blunt. THIS song speaks volumes, and hurts my heart. i sob. Can't get the lyrics out of my head.

Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

i asked

How do i say this. How do i start to explain my heart and my head right now, or even then.

i did something this weekend that i hadn't even fathomed doing beforehand. To me, even now it seems outrageous to have even asked. It was an important weekend. An "event of a lifetime" weekend, and here i was asking what i felt was the utterly impossible of the assumedly unwilling - perhaps even the "leave my sight and don't return" outraged. It was a huge freaking risk. So much to lose no matter what the answer. But i had to know what there was yet to be known, if anything.

So i gathered my courage, and i did. i asked.

i was answered. Answered in a way that, so simply, shocked the living heck outta me. Answered in a way that was simple, honest and direct, and didn't judge me for being so far out of bounds so as to be in another universe - and asking anyways. Answered in a way that shone with care for me and for the position that it puts you in when you simply know too much. Answered with humility, apology and responsibility. Answered with what i respect most: blatant, harsh, risk taking, utter honesty. And the best of all: cold, hard, indisputable facts, in black and white.

It was all there. Everything. Laid out in an organized history that i was welcomed to self-navigate as i chose. Not a recreation, but a real chronology of e-mails, conversations, journaled phone calls, events...

You see: now i know. i know too much. i know the truth in your own words.

Compounded with the other truths i know...

Now what?

:)

S & L's grad day... Another amazingly good day. So hot and sunny!!! :-o

i'm sunburnt across my face, arms, shins, a little bit on my chest too, but proud that i refrained from throwing rotten tomatoes at Bush, the elder. Oops, the word "elder" sounds worthy of respect. So wrong in this case. BTW, the speech they (he and "Bar", as he called her) delivered was awful. More a bad stand-up routine than a speech actually. And he insulted her! In front of 20,000 people he insulted his wife of 61 years. What a complete dick.

S & L are wonderful and funny and sweet and so genuine. i appreciate their friendship - both of me and more to each other. i love watching how they've held each other together so well this past four years. i've heard the full story of so many stories i'd heard in a periferal sense. The details of how these two have managed to buoy each other through thick and thin, seeing how insightful and open they are, have really touched my heart.

So grad was typical (boring) but HOT, brunch was good; nice place but not in the company to fully enjoy it. LoL Maybe next time?! We went to S & L's new apt, set up some furniture and came back to the "old" place, now relaxing.

Off to put lotion on the sun burn... then to dinner with S & L! Sigh - satisfied :)

me

i'm a social creature. i have a past and a present and i integrate them as the whole person i am. i have friends who think the world of me and are thrilled that i'm here in DC to share time with them. i am loved and valued for who i am - just for my smile! Not needed for what i can give, how i can help.... It's hard to be "needed" when lately i have so little to give. i'm not needed here, i'm just appreciated. cool.

i miss this... the ability to hang out with friends and laugh and share our lives. i've been missing my "social self" lately - so wrapped up in the kids' lives, business, teaching, being right in someone else's eyes, stressing over "talks" that need to be had, trying to give the house my time, as well as people in my life, freaking out about my weight, body image. What about my eyes? What i see in my mental mirror sometimes pains me; physically, emotionally.

i haven't taken a deep satisfied breath in much too long. Today i grabbed a coffee and sat in a park and held a long conversation with someone i hold very dear. It occurred to me that i was breathing and smiling and laughing. It shouldn't be a special event worthy of notice - yanno?

Who waits forever anyway?

Sarah Brightman or Queen, it's all about the lyrics...

"Who Wants To Live Forever"

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams
Yet slips away from us?

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?

There's no chance for us,
It's all decided for us,
This world has only one sweet moment
Set aside for us

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?

Now touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?

Who waits forever anyway?