Spelunking

Slept in black socks. Emotions. Reactions. Superficial distance from my self. Swam in them. Drown in them.

W! "You are lost." Yeah.

i didn't see it before but it's no wonder i can't find my footing enough to let myself risk. Keeping a tight hold on my bad judgement, anger and guilt is real, but easier than doing the work i need to do now... this is the hard part. But then again - this is the real part, the necessary part of putting me back together; of making the inner me stronger, more knowledgeable, more capable of seeing patterns and avoiding the same mistakes.

The answers lie in me, so i'm headed to my cave to find them.

Weekend Reflection

Good food, good friends, good drink, great laughs, hugs, warmth, smiles, giggles!, great conversations, a little music and a serendipitous opportunity to share amazing energy with very dear friends.

SJ's both pleased with and amused by me. W! is perplexing me and making me think hard as usual. #s 1 & 2 present their own special kinds of challenges and gifts to my life, always.

AND...

..... the two VERY happy goddesses who went to see them: me & #1!

Polytheism Explained

i present to you, the gods of Wolfstone:

Ross, Duncan, Colin, Alyn, Stuie & Stevie!

Peter Pan

Sleep has eluded me lately. Even bone tired i can't seem to relinquish the day. Too much to do? Too exciting to miss? Nope. Just can't turn off my brain. Active imaginations have good sides and bad sides!

Fave line from Peter Pan? "Me no sleep! Go for DAYS without sleep!" (one of the lost boys)

Having a sip of red wine and padding off.....

Admired and Loved

In light of recent feelings and thoughts regarding the amazing people in my life, a fraction of whom i've written about here, i have found a quote that just makes me smile and feel oh so blessed...

Tell me who admires and loves you,
And i will tell you who you are.
~ Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

Today's Chew Toy

snip!
me: "You have the power to manifest the changes needed. Your self-criticism and self-judgment aren't productive, nor are they necessary. Remember that you are only restrained by the limitations of your own thought processes -- and this comes from within, not from external circumstances."
W!: you've known that for sometime
me: what i know and what i APPLY in any given moment are very different.
W!: What occupies your thoughts and how successfully can you banish fear, hesitation, and doubt into a corner?
snip!

gnaw, gnaw, gnaw

A Day

One stunning day.
One day at water's edge.
One day miles from everything.
One day of pampering.
One day of breathing.
One day of laughs.
One day of giving and receiving.
One blissful, enjoyable, marvelous day.
One gift of a day.

Thank you, LV.

Thank you!

i have an abundance of wonderful people in my life and i am thankful for every last one of them. Tonight, three very special thank yous feel appropriate.

SJ - You prove to me as often as possible that you are indeed my friend and confidante. i am honored.
W! - Back with a vengeance and never been better! You have hawk's eyes on me... i'd better watch it!
~w - i take your words and experiences deeply to heart. Please don't stop sharing them with me.

To all three of you: i appreciate every single motivating word!

Flag - Munch!

One of the many jobs i have as a good friend is to raise concerns when i sense them, and give pause for thought if it is warranted. In other words, i raise 'Red Flags' and thoughts to ponder.

L calls it "flagging and chewing".

All i can think of is a flag on a football play - the players tackling the flag... and eating it! LOL The thought cracks me up every time she says it. ....oh heavens do i need sleep.... *sigh!*

Just Do It

Courtesy of R, via courtesy of J ...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Heat trembling against my skin, as if the warmth of him breathed outward and wanted to touch me. Maybe it did.

It had been such a smart way to bring me out of Damian's memory without risking Nathaniel being dragged into it himself.

Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams (my summer "fluff"!)

oui!

When i think of where i came from, my personal history, it starts across an ocean. Who knew a few words in that language would resonate so nicely in my ears all these years later? :)

A genoux belle soumise...

purrrrrr

the Goddess ~w

i want to hold this quote.... roll it around in my head... wrestle with it... chew on it... learn from it... be encouraged by it...

"I must own that I have harmed myself far more than anyone else ever has by choosing safety rather than risking growth." ~w (who has my heartfelt appreciation)

Some days you're the windshield

Today felt so amazing.

From its delightful beginning through to the surprise ending today was full and productive and connecting. Once again it is unveiled to me that some people can surpass my mistrusting assumptions and self-depricating nature and ~ despite my best efforts ~ still manage to touch my heart.

LOSER!

Today i faced a demon ~ and lost. Seems my truth won in this particular battle with my courageousness and self-doubt. frak.

Kev is right, i need to make decisions not based in fear. Yes, i'll be working on this one! (Thanks, in a very remote way, to Kev.)

It does occur to me though, that the amount i am willing to risk is directly proportionate the the amount and value of real gain/loss upon which the risk is teetering. In this specific case i'm not absolutely sure that i have anything real to lose or to gain.

Still, i'm kicking myself.

Three Quotes on a Theme

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. Frank Herbert

Beautiful quote, isn't it? i will allow this fear to pass, and i will not engage it except in conquering it, legally and safely. i will remain.

*

In time we hate that which we often fear.

William Shakespeare

Ah, my dearest Bard! Yes! i am indeed now moving from fear, but not to hate. i am moved to protection, to action, to knowledge and to willful joy and love. i wish i could say that there was no place for hate to replace that fear, but i'm just not that good.

*

In battling evil, excess is good;

for he who is moderate in announcing the truth is presenting half-truth. He conceals the other half out of fear of the people's wrath.

Kahlil Gibran

How very well i know this to be true. To live in truth and honesty is to be unafraid of it completely. i have no reason to fear my truths. There is no need of half-truths anymore. Let others who would use them face their demons of deception alone. i want nothing of them.

***

(P.S. The turn of phrase "my truth" is a subject for a later post! For now i'll let it ride. Get over it!)

Amendment

To: one small insight

It was pointed out to me that it isn't an endorphin rush for which i get cravings, it's an adrenaline rush.

i stand thoroughly corrected.

yeah

Pouring down rain. Intense greens, browns. Wet pavement glistening. Senses heightened. Purrrr. It is a good day.