HISS

It's nearly 2am and i can't stop thinking about myself. (this is going to be understandably disjointed!) That may sound terrifically conceited, but i keep repeating an old pattern that i wish would die already! Been thinking a lot about Reactance/Resistance theories because i've posted articles about it to the list. the more i read and think, the worse off i am. As a social submissive, i am a train wreck! Too curious, too intelligent - with not enough common ettiquette, to willing to add my thoughts, too interested in wanting to be liked and respected, too willing to judge, too willing to please in the wrong way... It's not been a good night, can you tell? The more i want to be more submissive to Him, the worse i am in wanting to strengthen my understandings and hold on to old behaviours that have always pushed too hard. i'm thinking that i need to look inwards a whole lot more. Slow down and think things through even more than i do already before speaking or acting. Balance whether i am needed in a situation, or is it enough that i listen and not try to fix, offer solutions, or understand with a yen to problem solve. Whom does it serve if i jump in to help where i am not asked? The only answer must be: me. i guess it's good that this answer is keeping me awake. i find it deeply troubling to see this hard-assed way of thinking in myself. It feels so ingrained too, and still i want to make excuses for it, rationalise it away... No such luck. Truthfully? It scares people away from me! i KNOW this to be true. i need to break myself of it if i am to be able to have any respect for myself as a woman (let alone His woman) with any social graces at all! Right now this all feels so disgraceful, so as to almost be shameful. Learn, listen, wait, breathe, assess, wait again, breathe..... Learn. i need to sleep.