Dread

This evening, i've finally told You that i've been having recurring nightmares for the past month or so. The stress of which is about to peak, and then heaven only knows what will happen. More stress? Less? The interminable passing of time unchanged?

See, i keep dreaming that it's the night of my family's annual Chanukah party which should be renamed "the abundant exchange of gifts more extravagant than your feelings for each other". i.e. We get stuff (major from mother) and give stuff (substantial from each of us). In the dream, the only gift that comes to me is from T. It's a nicely wrapped smallish box containing only one thing; papers. Given in front of my whole family and the kids. i feel myself short of breath and mortified to be unprepared and devastated in such an embarrassing way. The dream ends with my family laughing at my reaction and me frantically attempting to work my way out of the spotlight. i always wake, panicked.

Of course, before then is tomorrow that i have to live through. 20 years plus 6 prior to that. i've been deluded, smothered, elated, joyous, terrified, set free, courageous, ashamed, insecure, confused, strong, sure, cared for, stranded, with and without him 'present' for so long now. So... now what? i'm at an impasse in so many ways. We all are.