Reflections

my shut-in day is over and today hits like cold water in the face. Before it rolls me over headlong i wanted to put some thoughts here about yesterday.

It isn't only a day of remembering. It's a day that changed so much. It bonded me and #2. It strained #1 in a way that she and i will be trying to understand for a long while. Chemotherapy brought all the underlying minor learning issues with #2 into abundant fruition and focus and changed his academic structure permanently. Socially and academically, it made Middle School a nightmare for him. Every time he coughs my heart stops in fear. It's worse if he's ever not hungry or if he's very tired. i rub his shoulders because i love him, but also just to feel the lymph glands on the left side. i can't help but see the little scar the catheter left in the center of his chest. i've lived through his post illness depression, though it nearly did me in. i mourn losing the days when i didn't know about neutropenic fevers, doxirubicin and so many other chemo drugs, painful neupogen injections, mouth sores, 60% chances and so much more. i know that his remission is stable and still that 40% haunts me every day. i wonder if he'll be able to have children for the sake of a decision that *i* in part made. Will he think i made the right choice for him? Will he blame me? i hug him a lot.

To those of you with whom i spoke, please understand my silence and tears on the phone. i shouldn't even have answered. When i am in the headspace of that day, every gesture of caring and support is met with overwhelming emotion.

To V who saw me yesterday... pony tail and all. Thanks for not mentioning how awful i looked!

Ok, lunch with Mommy Dearest lies ahead, followed by teaching.
ONWARD!