i have this thing that i have been dealing with since i was a very little girl.
my mother had me after being married 14 months (i was kind of a surprise). After returning to the States she had 7 miscarriages before giving birth to my sister 5 years after me, and then another sister 15 months after that. i remember the days of both my sister's births. She jokes: We would have been a sports team had she had all those children!
It seemed to my young mind that she was always mourning or being delighted or being worried over having more children. What this had to do with me i never understood until about 15 years ago. How much a part of me this realization has to do with me now is both painful and interesting.
i've never felt "enough". Ever. It was never enough for my mom just to have me (NOW i understand, but it doesn't change what my child-self feels), that i'm never enough of any given thing for my employer, my students or their parents, my children, my partner(s), my parents (definitely), my sisters... just not ever, for anyone. i'm not pretty, talented, resourceful, persistent, frugal, understanding... you name it... ENOUGH. And i am certainly never thin enough!
Just me alone? i never did enough, never gave enough, never WAS enough. Still am not.
i get the same reaction when my children speak their hearts with another adult. Why not me? Am i not enough for them in some way? my answer must surely be, yes.
Even today, when i know that my loves have other loves, my first and nearly only reaction is that it is because i am not enough for them; that i have failed at fulfilling their needs of me. i look at what i can do "more" to fill the void. i strive and struggle to be everything i can to them.
In the end, if i cannot fill their void, if i perceive that i cannot ever be enough for them, or the pain of their continued need for more is too much for me to bear, i shut down and give less. i find a way to lessen my pain and the grief that comes with not measuring up.
Where i go with this i'm not sure yet. But better for it to be here for me to think about than lurking in my mind's dark recesses. It's a slice of me that i struggle with daily.
About Me
- me
- I'm an ornery wench. Just trust me on this one. :) my loves: coffee, road trips, learning, teaching, music of all sorts, firelight, intentional family, being at water's edge, intense conversations, boundless laughter, clearance sales. I'm a peacemaker, facilitator and problem solver. A fiend for conscious choice and personal responsibility. Nothing is sexier to me than brains and talent. I strive for nothing less than radical honesty. I expect nothing less than that endeavour in return.
1 comment:
are we ever enough? let go, feel, own your feelings and know that the loves in our lives don't always wish to burden us. They seek out who they wish to share with, not always realizing some how we are hurt by not being the "one" for them in each and every instance. And yet it is impossible to be all things to all people. is this part of becoming autonomous (pertaining to our children)? or that it's perfectly ok? Feel your feelings, own them and try to understand from your own perspective...do you keep your own counsel? do you share with only one person all your feelings, desires and thoughts?
Having those same thoughts more often than i care to admit...turning my perception made a big difference.
love you, ~V
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