Responsibility and Choice

I had a marvelous discussion with a dear friend of mine last Sunday that has given me a couple of lightbulb moments about personal responsibility and choice. It's a fascinating perspective that I already 'do' and live, but never put into context/words. In some ways it applies directly to me as a submissive, but in others it applies to whomever you are.

I hope I do it justice...

As adults, we choose, as knowingly as possible, to place ourselves in relationships we think expand our lives in positive ways. We are then responsible for the parameters of that choice. Therefore, if we find something outside those parameters, we can choose to accept it, or find it unacceptable and move on; after all, no one but us is responsible for having made that choice but us. (Obvious note: Choosing to hope someone changes isn't making a choice to be with THAT person!)

Sooo... If Mr. Handsome does something out of the 'scope' of what you/I know about him, the question becomes: "Can I accept and live with this new part of who Mr. Handsome is, or not?" The question never becomes: "how could he do this to me?!" Because as cut and dry as it seems, he did. So now what?

Trust then (and probably several other aspects too), though essential to a relationship, is a cop-out of an excuse to be whining too much about when and if it is challenged or broken. That would be an abdication of personal responsibility and ultimately of choice.

The question is: "What role did I play in this new behaviour?" and "Can I accept and live with knowing that this is a part of who he is?" (This is leaving the resolution of the trust issue aside. If it is to be repaired or not is another question.)

In the end, it is always MY choice to stay or to go. It is within MY power to choose to serve someone I respect and accept for who he is (not isn't) or not. It is MY choice to work on MY role in the new behaviour too.

If I find this new information acceptable then life goes on unfettered. The new knowledge of who Mr. Handsome is, is cataloged and filed with the understanding that this new aspect may become a part of who 'we' are because it is a part of who he is.

If I find that I had a pivotal role in this new behaviour then I have a responsibility - and a choice - to look into changing that aspect or not. Remebering that Mr. Handsome is also "at choice".

If I find it unacceptable after weighing the new information against the bigger picture of the relationship then it is MY choice, for good and thoughtful reason, to be responsible for my choice not to be a part of this new behaviour, and leave.

In very short order, this way of thinking reduced the drama and emotional energy I was devoting to old and current news. Looking back and even now, I have taken responsibility and acted on my choices though not often in a cut and dry manner. That's something I am learning, and I have so much to learn.