reflection

48 years here last month and aside from my children, I am alone.
Despite what people think, I have a few friends on the periphery, one or two dear friends whom I cherish but aren't really around much, family even further out, and no one I can call my love, though there is one I love.

My job is going well, but increasing in responsibility and scope. I worry daily whether I am able to be the person they need in this role. I worry about the balance of sacrifice and commitment, especially as it affects my most cherished love relationship.

I've taken on a larger role with my spiritual community and that feels pretty 'right'. The only way to model shared power is to take on a share, so I did. I am missing the next holiday, but they're well on their way over a rocky beginning to the year so they'll be ok.

#1 is doing well in the USAF. She's flourished in her responsibilities and has a group of good friends there. I know she misses me and her brother. I worry about what will become of her relationship with her bf, who is here in MI without job nor car, nor direction. She misses him too. Meanwhile, she is growing and having positive life experiences. It may not be exactly what she thought it would be, but she is seeing it through and for that I am insanely proud of her. She deserves everything good for her life.

#2 has his issues. He's been involved in some unsavory things around here but I hope he's had more than a rude awakening and will follow the straight and narrow now. He's a sweet child. Very loving and caring, but arguementative and stingingly insulting when you cross him. He has a close knit group of 2 friends, one of them being a gf of 9 mos so far. Truly though, aside from some troubles he's a great kid and I adore him. If his choices are good he should be ok.

Right now things are hard for me. If I make it to 49, which today fels like a big if, I hope to be healthier, thinner and still employed full time. My deepest prayer is that I will still be in a relationship with the one I love. I can't see much beyond that for the time being.