i asked

How do i say this. How do i start to explain my heart and my head right now, or even then.

i did something this weekend that i hadn't even fathomed doing beforehand. To me, even now it seems outrageous to have even asked. It was an important weekend. An "event of a lifetime" weekend, and here i was asking what i felt was the utterly impossible of the assumedly unwilling - perhaps even the "leave my sight and don't return" outraged. It was a huge freaking risk. So much to lose no matter what the answer. But i had to know what there was yet to be known, if anything.

So i gathered my courage, and i did. i asked.

i was answered. Answered in a way that, so simply, shocked the living heck outta me. Answered in a way that was simple, honest and direct, and didn't judge me for being so far out of bounds so as to be in another universe - and asking anyways. Answered in a way that shone with care for me and for the position that it puts you in when you simply know too much. Answered with humility, apology and responsibility. Answered with what i respect most: blatant, harsh, risk taking, utter honesty. And the best of all: cold, hard, indisputable facts, in black and white.

It was all there. Everything. Laid out in an organized history that i was welcomed to self-navigate as i chose. Not a recreation, but a real chronology of e-mails, conversations, journaled phone calls, events...

You see: now i know. i know too much. i know the truth in your own words.

Compounded with the other truths i know...

Now what?