She Flys

This tattoo has been in the making for about 13 years. Originally it was just a butterfly. The 'me' that loves to be social and wants to feel pretty... Funny how life can change things.

Now:

i have reclaimed the Divine within myself; that kernel of my being that is beyond harm's reach. The 'me' that is good and strong and sacred and worthy of love. She is goddess shaped.

i grew up in a family of bickering, blame and accusation. Everything was always someone's "fault". Wonderment was squashed. My father raged and was sometimes violent. My mother is snide, mocking and disapproving unless you are serving her wishes in some fashion; then of course you are her favorite and the others (2 sisters) are... not. She is unique.

In some ways because of what my upbringing had done to the deserving and worthy Divine in me, i failed to see that in my 21 year marriage i was being emotionally abused. It was me he blamed for his depression and SAD, his inability to function. All my fault. i internalized that blame and bent everything about me to accomodate it, and him. Over many angry years now i have learned that i need to give that responsibility back to him to own. i freed myself from the tyranny of his disability. i am worthy of so much light, so much love, and so tired of being trampled and devalued. She rises, wings unfurled.

In June of 1995 i announced to him that i would take my first trip alone to fulfill a promise i had made to a student of mine. Using my funds and determination i was going to fly to AZ, rent a car alone and spend four days with the student and their family. i was leaving my children with him for the first time in their young lives and stepping out of his mold for me. It shocked and angered him that i would do something so "selfish". It was that day that i truly realized what he'd done to everything i was, who i used to be. i took that trip as a gift to myself even more than my student. Haven't looked back since. She flys.

On September 11th, 2001... my then 9 year old son was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma. Given only a 60% chance of being cancer-free and then 5 years in remission (the benchmark for "cured") this March 19th he will reach that mark. We went through hell to get here. While i realize that this is pre-emptive, i have lived in celebration of this child's health since March 19th, 2002 when they announced his remission. It was during my son's hospitalization that i met the man from whom this tattoo is a gift. In the five years since we have known each other we have each been through our own personal hell... we each have lives to celebrate and to honor, even as we honor each other through our loving connection. She celebrates. Spirals, beautiful colors and upstretched arms.

Four years ago i began a M/s lifestyle relationship with a man. It was all-encompassing. Little did i know that he would abuse every bit of power i gave. He manipulated and alienated my friends and family. In the end he seriously hurt people i love. You can do that to me, but never to those i cherish! My safeword? Coincidentally: Butterfly.

And lastly, a poem for my own strength, for the Divine 'me' that i have reclaimed... by Maya Angelou

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

And there, in one long-winded package, you have it.
my tattoo was born.