Well let's see... i was up til 2:30 this morning getting stuff done. Up again at 7am to continue getting things accomplished... trying to create time and make space for my own happiness... only to find that (as i was walking out the door) the plans i'd lain for a large portion of the day had to go by the wayside.
my morning meal consisted of: not-so-controlled helpings of anger n'disappointment stew, a side dish of selfishness, sprinkled with a dash of attitude, a hefty cup of inconvenience spiced with some deep re-thinking, and garnished with a helping of guilt for most of the above emotions (except the thinking).
my dear friend R's words echo loudly in my head, "and always remember to breathe." Enter plan B: If i slow down and take my time with what i am cramming in to the day, that might be 'ok'. Novel concept, i know. So off i went... to make a pot of coffee before running the errand i was rushing to. Of course i added a few tasks (ever-productive me) here and there and was able to make good use of a roaring, disappointing, kill-someone angry, how-dare-you-do-that-to-me kind of day. Actually, it was about at this point that i finally remembered to breathe. i know there are two sides to this situation. Time will tell what its resolution will be.
What hurt most was the fact that i had begged off helping a friend in favor of these plans. That was selfish, but i did it. Then, having my self-indulgent plans fall through had me feeling not just resentment... but a lot of guilt. Bad friend, bad.
i admit, i did keep hoping my phone would ring and at least a portion of my plan A would be restored, but hopes faded away as the day went on and i had much to do to prepare for tonight's Yule celebration... Which Rocked! In the end it was a decent and productive day. Go Me! So really this entry should be about Yule... i just had to get this frustrated anger off my chest.
end rant. (but not end thinking)
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