Nailed

One exercise in which i have been taking part is to look at the resentments, hurts and anger that i "bring with me" on a daily basis. Of course i also have to listen to T's list (aka: The Book). Today he nailed me good with something i've been working on for a while now. You can see it reflected time after time here in my blog.

Here's the path it's taken:
i grew up n a family in which i never measured up - the makings of a "black sheep" came very early on. i am 5 years my sister's senior. i am independent and headstrong and i have outlandish ideas about how the world "should be". (lol)

Over time i learned to protect myself from the harsh scrutiny and judgement of my family by selectively reflecting what i felt was positive and that would gain me positive feedback. i was shown time and time again that they had no interest and could not tolerate hearing my musings about the world or how i'd mucked up something... so i stopped sharing that.

It's human nature to want people to think well of you, yes? Well it's my nature.

Clearly, i have carried this protective pattern into adulthood. i protect myself from the harsh judgements of others. i protect others from me too. i do not allow most people to see who i am "warts and all" for fear of their reactions. Yes, i'm afraid. i have not developed faith that anyone would love me for who i am, or that i am strong enough to handle the repercussions of sharing my full self with no political exclusions.

The Universe knows me. my spirit knows me. So, should anyone else?? Do they really need to? well... YES!

It took me a long time to come to this conclusion but it happened a few years ago. Since then i have been striving to show more of myself to a few select people... yeah, even i can be horribly vulnerable, afraid to my core and still risk the level of honesty towards which i am proud to continue to strive.