Secondary

i'm not even sure what i want to write here tonight.

It's been a long weekend and i've only felt i was a peripheral part of it, like a spirit on the wind. i am reminded of "The Queen of Air and Darkness" the title of a character in a Laurell K Hamilton book. She hears her name and the context in which it is used, even in whispers, from anywhere, but is not physically there. Sort of surreal. Now that i am she as it were, mostly it feels disconnected.

M is evidently sharing much more about him and me with his primary (C) than ever. i understand his need in this and have encouraged it all along. What i didn't anticipate was how much i had accepted my 'place' as private and separate. How comfortable the box had become. Now suddenly i am observing as notes and other details are revealed. Not wrecklessly mind you, just moreso, but still it is a change.

All at once i have trust, anxiety and a great need for patience. Trust that M is choosing the best path for all of us. Anxiety that i have no control over his choices (as i have never had) and how they are perceived by C - and me. And i am working on having the patience to see how it is resolved over time without trying to control or run from it.

What i'm trying to limit is the very thing i am inclined to do... set boundaries. i have worked so hard to create trust in M that though it is my knee-jerk reaction for myself [setting boundaries], it is also counter-productive to allowing this to take a natural course. River. Rock. Flow.

What i have to remember is that i am the only one i have control over. i can choose how i react and what i do, what energy i send out and what energy i allow in, etc. In many ways, though this is what M needs, i need to care for myself and my needs as well.

And here again are my recurring themes: choice and balance.