my head and my heart are messy places

i'm worried about l - her breakdown this week was frightening and stressful. i care about her, and her life and how she handles it affects s. l was told that her grades aren't good enough (all B's), that she's "not impressive" on paper and that she may be wasting her time and $. PLUS - (same day) she got called for a MONTH of Federal Grand Jury Duty! AND she works full time. Poor baby just snapped. I would have too.

Worried about s - the gastric paresis is rearing its ugly head for a bit of a recurrence. i hate feeling helpless when it comes to those i love

1 & 2 are both saying negative things about their father. On 99% of the counts they're right. Feeling caught in the middle. Busy loving them and empowering them to make positive differences in their lives.

Just found out that while i was gone T purchased a new laptop computer. Surprise.... cha-ching!

My new job situation feels out of my hands completely. The two "blows" that i took this past week had little to do with me or my teaching, yet i feel as though they're taking a toll on my standing with the company. One has cut into the small amount of hours i was scheduled to work, the other just makes me feel "less than". i know that small children have no compunction saying they liked the substitute better than me. It's not because of ME either. It's because she waltzed in there with three computers and a printer. She wins - hands down.

i really was afraid of being punished for having gone away. So many little things while I was gone built more fear in me than i wanted to recognize. Until i returned i never acknowledged how afraid i was of the repercussions of my actions.

The background... Past toxic relationship stuff: every time i went away (professional conferences, school trips, "me time" - or even had company here -) i was punished for "leaving him alone". Yes, i know now that this was my ex in my head and he's sick, but it's also my most recent memories, my gut reaction. Didn't help that i was overtired, missed my kids and the (late) flight was awful.

Good thing was that I was greeted with love and hugs all round! :)

A very dear gf and i had a day-long heart to heart talk. i realized again just how deeply i have been harmed along the way and that i have not yet healed many of those wounds.

One of those wounds: What kind of mother puts her own quest for happiness above the needs of her children? I did that. I own it fully.
No longer trusting myself and my judgment.

Searching to fulfill something that i need to find within myself. What is that something and how do i do it... and still have love in my life?

Little things like that. (wry smile)

Small steps. A day at a time. She's right (helps that she's 'been there'). Take it slow but don't stop. Solid advice.

Onward! This day has got to get itself underway.