It occurred to me that one reason there has been and is distance between S and myself is that i do not stand up to persistent and intense (my perception) analysis well. Not well at all.
It challenges everything. It drives me crazy with frustration because i cannot explain myself... even to myself. Though i know that i have learned to look at more angles of an issue and bigger pictures, i don't have rational explanations for it all. You can only say "i dunno" so many times!
i'm not at all consistent. i am an emotional creature. i listen to my heart too much. i do the best i think i can but i don't push myself enough. i am inherently inadequate at it all.
i feel as though i am a child in so many ways, coping and compensating in a world where the grown up people are everything i'm not. i strive to be like them. Yet i am like them. i can cope, i can function, i can do a million things that show that i am loyal, strong, capable, willing and engaged... but then there's the rest of me, a wishy-washy directionless blur.
My interactions with S over the past year or so have shown so much of this side of me that it's terribly uncomfortable in my skin. It shines the light of what feels like interrogation. And i squirm - away if at all possible.
Unfortunately, this has lead me to shrink away from someone i love very much and caused us both confusion and pain. In the end i am left owning responsibility. It's mine to own.
About Me
- me
- I'm an ornery wench. Just trust me on this one. :) my loves: coffee, road trips, learning, teaching, music of all sorts, firelight, intentional family, being at water's edge, intense conversations, boundless laughter, clearance sales. I'm a peacemaker, facilitator and problem solver. A fiend for conscious choice and personal responsibility. Nothing is sexier to me than brains and talent. I strive for nothing less than radical honesty. I expect nothing less than that endeavour in return.