Learning

Yesterday evening we had a conversation that has shed some serious light on "us" and the relationship dynamic in which we perceive ourselves to be.

While my head is filled with ideas of progress and balance, Yours is filled with black and white concrete truths that unless completely fulfilled are not, plain and simple. The end result is that no matter how much i work towards a goal and making compromises in an effort to move closer to that goal, none of it means a thing to You.

The amount of reactance that You encounter from me is much more than i had perceived before that conversation. With an understanding that reactance is an involuntary reaction to a limiting of freedom, it is understandable that in trying to mesh my life into a cohesive balanced picture, i have not fulfilled Your expectations of me at all. Clearly, Your wishes have been compromised and negotiated instead of followed without question. How stunningly sad for both of us.

The next thing i have learned is to accept that i cannot "keep" You. i cannot control what Your head and heart will do. If it moves on, so be it. All i ask is Your total honesty if that happens.

i guess what has me down is this: Combining the two understandings, a. That You are continually compromised by me, and b. That i cannot "keep" You true to me, leads me to believe that You may well move on. While this is a pretty crushing possibility, it remains a possibility that i can't ignore. It is what it is and You will do what You will do.

Our talk yesterday was shocking to me. i didn't know the length to which You felt i was not living up to what You want from me and for our dynamic. Maybe You thought i saw that as obvious? i didn't.