More learning

In reading back, i'm reflecting on the post "Learning" and the conversations at the dinner regarding reactance. It was comforting to hear that this "black and white/all or nothing" attitude isn't something which i'm alone in dealing with. It's actually fairly common among the Dom/mes we know. After all, it IS a Dominant trait to get what You ask for! Remember, Brehm was only looking at the response to the limiting of freedom.

What differed was what was being asked of the s's, and the responses from them. How interesting it was to hear how each of us has learned to respond to it, and how that response differs within one person depending on what's been asked.

Of the people who chose to share about this aspect of their dynamic, the ones that have learned not to react emotively and defensively are those who've been together longest. They were the couples who had developed a solid foundation of trust and security in their dynamic.

This leads me not to be surprised at my level of reactance towards You. We've had two major trust issues arise in less than 3 years. They've pushed us to the breaking point, in fact. Is it then any wonder that i cling so tightly in my reticence? That i bend rather than break for You? That i hold tightly to the power i have? How can i not have seen why this is happening?

i know this isn't what You want of me, believe me it isn't what i want for us either. For now, at least some times, i feel as though i have to. As though i can't let go and trust completely for fear of losing myself to one who has so much power to hurt me, and has. i've taken steps in working towards trust again, but there's obviously so much more work that needs to be done; steps to learn to trust You and Your judgement of people, situations, even of me; steps to being able to let go in a whole and confident way.

Since that whole conversation i have resolved to work on letting go in situations i perceive are safe in which to let go with You. But only You, through time and transparency, can give me the ability to let my life rest gently and without fear in the palm of Your hand. Even this lies in Your control.