Mistrust

Having learned that i cannot trust as i used to has made me cynical and distant. Call it: cautious - to a fault.

i miss the blind faith i put in him, not for his sake, but for mine. To me trusting was a freedom; that i could place it in someone and have it be held in love, confidently, knowing that they'd not do anything to cause me nor those i love emotional pain and harm. It hurts me to know i was wrong and that i chose to trust, poorly, whether too quickly, or too blindly.

So now the questions become: How do i rebuild the faith i had in my own choices? How do i give anyone a chance to have me trust them? Can trust that has been shattered ever be rebuilt? How? i'm not so "good" as to forget and deny that the mistrust happened. Can i be content with myself not ever completely trusting another person? i hardly think that can be true of me, but now, as much as i dislike the thought, it seems an option i need to consider.

Not trusting anyone feels protective of myself and those i hold dear, and that's a good thing. Not trusting anyone feels isolating, and that's so terribly sad. Bear with me as i learn my way through this experience.